The long awaited sunrise

I spent my free time in between work and other things today, dreaming about the sunrise I am going to catch in Cameron highlands! Yes, and that keeps me going ...

Beams for December

I am being headhunted today!! haha it's a good feeling because it makes me feel that I am still 'marketable'. Well, truth is, I am still bonded for another 1 and a half years. I wished that there will be a pay rise for next year, something significant to make me feel better and motivates me in my work here.

It has not been an easy year. As I read my past reflections these few months, there are so many times which I felt sick, was swarmed with work and did not wish to go to work and at an almost burn-out most times. I was left feeling emotional imbalanced yes that's right but pushing on, I continued. Social work is certainly a calling I must say. Without the passion, it is impossible to work. Without the emotion, you cannot excel in your work. With too much emotions, you get drained in no time and that's when the MC starts coming. I think I am talking about self-care. Not just the physical part but te emotional and mental as well. Once in a while, pat yourself in the back and be glad that you have done the best you can and move on from the bad feelings from your mistakes committed.

Looking ahead. I feel something bubbling inside of me. Something call excitement and anticipation. Going to be another kind of busyness next year after someone presents something shiny to me which represents his commitment to me. Well, I accept the challenge of this busyness. Once in a lifetime that is and doing all that you want to make that day all that you dream of.

Cool!

Looking forward to the short getaway this weekend and long break next week.

I am satisfied :)

Carebears

Bought 4 carebears for my rainbows kids, I feel glad :) Hope it brings sunshine to them :)

Also bought my mum's birthday present together :)

Romantic gesture

Thanks for the romantic gesture :)

It was a sweet surprise ;)

The little ones

Yesterday's rainbows was fun.

We had a great time acting out scenarios of the children being in stepfamily using hand puppets and I enjoyed myself thoroughly!

It was spontaneous and we took on different roles. Sometimes I am the mother, sometimes the father and sometimes the child. It's amazing to know what is on the kid's mind when they are role-playing. The naivety, the child-likeness, quick to get angry and quick to forgive. I adore each of them very much.

Thank God for all the little ones :)

Be the centre of it all

This morning I woke up with a sense of hope in my heart and I feel calm.

:)

I think to myself before I entered the lift: How I wish every morning I can look at the kids with a lovely kind face that gives out sunlight and say to them, "HI CHILDREN!"

Wouldn't that be ideal? But truth is far from that. I was a mess yesterday. I looked like it and felt like it.

Today is going to be different. Because Jesus is going to be the centre of it all.

Amen =D

Let's go!!

The Last Quarter

It's been a long while since I come into this space of mine.

The music in the background repeating itself over and over again. The CD from Taiwan, it brings me back to the mountains at the ming shu which we stayed in and a part of me wish I am back there.

At the bus this morning, someone's handphone rang and the song" My love will take you home" came again. It was almost like a reminder to me that God's love will always take me to where I belong - in His arms.

It has been a good retreat. Fantastic place with lush greenery, the mountains and a lovely swing. I wish I can stay longer. Much has been spoken but the application is tough part. God spoke about putting Him as shepherd over my life and that my role is simply to follow and trust. The issue on self-sufficiency spoke a few times to me. Yes, I have been handling things on my own. No wonder the anxiety sets in. I shall surrender and allow Him in.

More of Him, less of me.

Things has been started and they have completed. One by one. The review board meeting. MPC. The balloting of the flat. The lasik surgery.Den the weddings to come. The last quarter of the year: Mum's birthday, travelling with ZY's parents, appraisal, Christmas and my birthday! =D And it will be a new year with a new me turning 28. Boo. Two more years to the big three and so much to look forward too :)

yes, it's official

My plant officially died today.

I wonder if it symbolises a kind of death in me as well. I am slowly losing passion for my job. Not my kids nor their parents but for the job. The huge increase in paperwork which I view as redundant and takes away time for me to do the more important things, takes away my passion bit by bit each day. I do not want to suffer from presentism... I want to be fully present for my job but as days go by, it seems even more difficult a task to achieve.

Yes, it's not the end of the world and it can be pretty discouraging. I wish for a little more time for self-care. I wish that I can take a well-deserved break without considering, reconsidering and yet reconsidering again. I dun mind working hard but slogging for what I am not convicted about just drains my energy very quickly. I am afraid to be left hanging dry again. I wish there is a way out.

Hate the back-stabbing, gossips, hypocrisy, apathy all going on at the same time as well. All but part and parcel of work life. Do I have to accept and change myself or can I remove myself from it?

You are good

You are good :)

I recall during the conference, it was being shared by Jasmine that we have to choose between the baggages and carrying the cross. Always choose the cross because it will give us freedom.

Thank God for 10 hours of sleep, yes,I feel so so refreshed now :)

Thanks God for the spirit-filled weekend. For the renewal of passion for my work, for things of Him.

Important decisions to be made this week. Lord, I pray for your guidance, I pray for your protection, I pray for your power.

The Steadfast Love of the Lord

This song keep ringing in my head this morning. I recall hearing it for the first time @ a camp many years ago and it was led by Jasmine. Tears just flow when she was leading the song. I recall her leading us into prayer to address God as Daddy, Papa and any other names that we want. At that moment, I felt God is such a personal God. Every morning, God is with me.

EVERY single morning.

Came across this thai version on youtube and it reminds me of many years ago when I went on a short term missions trip to Surat Thani and we learnt from a brother how to sing P&W songs in Thai :) I remember us gathering at the food court and learning how to sing the songs and the brother say he will give a prize to the one who sang it the best and I got it :) It was a memorable experience visiting the churches and praying for them. We even led a mini service together! I remember we prayed for a Pastor as he has an accident and he was healed. It's good to pray spontaneously, serve spontaneously and lead p&w spontaneously.

I wish that I can do it again.

God really knows my needs. He sent me an encouragement through my kids

 this morning with a simple card :)

Psalms 37:23-24

Am feeling really tired after the meeting and the many things to do @ work. Yes, I presented with energy and knowledge of my area of work but the end product is a physcially drained Jiayan. Sometimes I wish I am a few years younger and I can go on with much energy even after work but reality is that my body will just function slower as the years go by. It's time to get into the habit of exercising but more importantly, allowing God to be my strength. Today, I pray for a quiet strength, a strength that comes from knowing that God is with me and that He will lift me up in All situations.

This verses kept me going for the day:

The LORD makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;
though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the LORD upholds him with his hand."
- Psalms 37:23-24

Keep the act?

When a relationship turns sour, there seems to be no turning back except if you are family. Of course, even that does not prevent love and cameraderie from becoming hatred or indifference. Life goes on. Yup, its a scary world. Few absolutes but lotsa greys. So grey till you probably sometimes can't see where the truth lies. The rules keep changing. They call it, "moving with times." Once unacceptable yesterday is sought after today. So one wonder who's to determine the standards. At this, many just take things into their own hands. At least there is some element of control in the midst of uncertainty. So, one then questions, is this just a false sense of control? An attempt to make oneself feels safer. Who knows? The right and the wrong, the false and the true sometimes intertwine and one becomes another in the split of the second. Therefore, some resort to ignorance. Afterall, isn't ignorance = bliss? If you can keep the act (within) together, why not? If you can pretend that all is ok and live a blissful and uncomplicated life, why not? If you can be as adaptable as a chamelon, why not? Well, all things come with a cost. The cost of one's values, the cost of one's identity, the cost of one's true self and many others. I, for one, believes that the act will eventually fall apart.

xiao qing ge

A song that keeps ringing in my head today :)

Happiness in the next stop

Times like this takes away my blues :)

Thank God for the holidays, the break to Taiwan.

Throughout the trip, I kept telling ZY and Wei that we are very blessed, with kind souls who helped us and the weather and us being able to do all that we intended and many many things.

Today there are two resignations. Three already and more to come? God, I pray for perserverance and joy in the midst of all this. Pls be with me in all of this. I look forward to the kukup trip with LG this weekend and MPC in July. I finally feel like I am moving into a new station in my life n its a blissful feeling :)

One more day !!!

Been doing a mental checklist for this week..tick tick tick...

It's been going well cos I've been ahead of my deadlines and that has earned me my leave for this Friday :) One day earlier to the holidays and yes, I am proud to announce that my official last day is tmr till 20th June. Then it will be hard work again but for now I just wanna focus on the happy things. Soon, Jiayan and u'll be carefree.

Today I feel like embracing the marshmallow sky.

It's beckoning to me :)

Half - Time

God has His amazing way of moulding me that I do not even realise that the process has taken place till I taste a bit of the goodness which follows suit. All the pains and suffering are but part of what prepares me for what is ahead. I admit that I resisted, I resented and I felt like giving up ever so much, especially when my flesh cries out in self-pity. All this put aside, I am thankful I went through it step by step, bit by bit, sometimes having to drag my feet for that one teeny weeny step ahead but at least, there is some progress I tell myself. Just keep moving in the direction, you will soon see light. I am glad because of the precious lessons learnt and the process of self-discovery. Not sure how long the road ahead is going to be like or if it's will carry with it some dreaded experiences but yes, I am ready. I will make every single of this trial/ testing a learning opportunity.

5 more days to Taiwan trip. June is a month of break for me :)

Thank God for the break to rejuvenate and replenish.

Half- Time! :) And it has been good so far. Looking towards better days ahead.

4 more days to our one-year anniversary :)

Thanks for the gift :)

Sweeten-ed

An angel placed this on my desk :)

Thanks for sweetening my day :)

Tired

Today feels like going up the slope with a 100kg load... :(

Is it a 'before-holiday' syndrome or am I just tired?

Some things are just not worth losing

"What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" Matthew 16:26

This verse came to mind this morning and stopped me in my tracks as I was in the midst of completing my to-do list. Many thoughts fill my head. Thoughts about people and what motivates them to do what they do. What is the driving force behind the actions?

Is it for more recognition? Fear of losing what they possess? Wanting more material gains?

Will one go against his will in order to gain more or worse, go against his conscience. possible or very likely, as least that's what I see daily. I think to myself, "what's the point?" What goes round comes round. Havent they read the story about the couple who are very mean to their elderly parents and when their child grow up, he does the same thing to them, telling them that it is what they are being taught since young.

In the light of God and His eternity, all things pale in comparison. Whatever the world can give us is but temporal. Father, I pray that nothing will have a hold over me except you and that you will always be my first resort in times of challenges, that I will allow your intervention into my problem. Pray right, Think right and Live right. Amen.

:(

So sad that the 915 tickets are sold out by 7pm :(

Is it God's plan boooooo hooooo....

Jane Eyre



Some 'Me - Time' tonight :)

Going to watch the movie of one of my favourite books and though it's often the case that the movie is never better than the book, I am in anticipation ...

Some things are best done alone cos somehow it's not easy to find another who shares similar passion :)

Heart connection

I have an exceptionally strong realization today that through this five years, I have grown up together with the kids. It was a tough journey for both me n them. Me, an inexperienced worker with just a heart for them n few skills to now. From a 23 year old girl who jus started work to now. And them struggling thr the awkward years of pre-teen to now. We have indeed come a long way.

Thinking of the day I go up to the stage to get my five years award, tears just flow.

All the memories, tears, sweat and everything else...

I thank God for the journey thus far. My struggles which changes along the way but which makes me emotionally more equipped for the job n more compassion for my clients n more passion for the disadvantaged in the society. If I can turn back time, I will do it the same all over again. Albeit several -ve n painful experiences which took place, I feel I grow as an individual n mature as a Christian. It's all worth it n no regrets.

I have invested n I have received.

Betrayal cuts deep

Witnessed an act of betrayal and it just disgusts me... I wonder how many we can trust these days.

This Someone who will reduce u to nothing but an addict by name and reveal whatever u have shared in confidence to him because u r a threat to him. Some pple just can't take the competition, they handle it through elimination. The world is getting scarier each day and it just stop me in my tracks while I look at the future ahead. Pple who will stoop to anything to get u off ur course if there is a need to in order to lift themselves up.

Indeed a SELF-professed christian. Nothing but a load of bullshit.

Getting real sick of this :(

A good deed

Noticed a typical human reaction earlier on at the hawker centre...

As I was furiously globbling down my fishball noodle, I suddenly realize that the queue in front of the fishball noodle stall was suddenly very long. Before that there was not even a single person! Wondering if it was me savoring the food right in front if the stall that caused that.. Becoming the 活招聘。

The usual me would have caused one to take a look n move over to another stall but today it was the hungry me so good for them :)

Actually saw one lady going to walk away den she saw me eating n
Walked bck to buy haha

Yay! I did a gd deed just by being me ! :)

Passion to power your dream

This morning I saw the RSAF advertisement that goes like this:

It takes ambition to go places
But passion to power your dream

At that moment, I told God, "If there is such a thing as rebirth in my job, I pray that it will be now." Five years into the job and two more years before I end my bond, I hope that nothing will diminish this passion which led me into this job and field in the first place. One which stirred in my heart since my JC days when I had a brush with volunteering and later on fan into flame during my course of studies. Without passion, it's impossible to go on with POWER.

From my boss yesterday:
This case is very intensive and Jasmine have put in so much work, working both with mother and son. This intensity cannot be sustained over a long period as it would burn out any professional. Hence, I would appreciate if MCYS can give the decision and support for the programmes requested. Thank you.

One of my kids said during groupwork yest: "I know if I have nightmare I can pray to God. I dun have nightmares anymore."

Well, am pretty amazed by what he shared as that was not the key of the discussion we had but sometimes u just dunno what they captured. Little things like this reminds me again that I am making a difference and my hard work is being recognised :) yes, Jiayan Jiayou!

Good enough?

It's mad rush for me once again. Boy run away from home, houseparent forgotten to submit the report, submission of new reports to MCYS, meeting parents blah blah blah and the list goes on. Sometimes I really need to control my anger...feel very much like blasting in the phone sometimes. "If it doesnt get through, it's your business you know." I mean..I am not even in charge of that...and aren't we working together as a team, how can she say that? Cant stand the pple vying for recognition through their well-crafted email exaggerating the amount of work they have done. Well, talk about marketing. Such things disgust me, they gross me out and make my work an unpleasant affair. When it comes to life, I won't use the word, "good enough". When people tell me that life is very good already, it's hard to digest. It's like as if saying, "well, I can't expect much but ya...this is very good already. I mean like...I have NO choice rite??!! " hmmm...cough cough. Enough said. Few words that speaks alot. To me, it's either very good or how I can make it better if it's not. Not "It's very good already." Maybe I am being judgemental or maybe cos it the first weekday after a holiday and I am getting a little cranky. Whatever it it, I am prepared to push on and fight for a better tomorrow. Not with underhand means but by living my life with honesty and seriously take pride in what I do ...

One month

It's exactly one month before the Taiwan trip.

I can't wait!!!

When the line is unclear

It takes tremendous courage to bare your heart to someone knowing that you are placing yourself in a vulnerable postition. It's a step of faith taken and I am glad I did. Regardless of the outcome, I was being honest with myself and the other person and yes, the most important ingredient in a relationship - trust. The last 10% which most always choose NOT to say is indeed difficult to spit out, stuck in your throat most times. Why is it that the truth is always difficult to say out and what is in your heart most well hidden? Perhaps life has become a game of camouflage, pple hiding from love for love has caused pain to them. Afterall, the more you feel for someone or something, the more u r allowing that person permission to hurt you but to not feel anything at all in your heart, u wonder if such a life is worth living.

At the end of the day, I still feel that putting yourself on the line is far better than standing at the sideline.

You may be fighting for the wrong person or the wrong reason but at least you are fighting for a passion which belongs to you and you alone.

Happinessssss

Happiness is when you wake up on a Monday morning feeling totally at peace with yourself and everything else ! :)))))



The missing paradox

Why are people and the good times most missed when they are no longer around?

Candidate for Christ

One more day to voting day!

Thinking to myself on what Choon Yam shared last night during district.

How does Christ in us makes a difference to our lives?
Do we pray daily in the spirit or only during services/ prayer meets/ LGs? If not, why?
Is our life as a christian convincing?

Hard questions (glup)

Looking at the candidates from opposition this year, its no wonder why many are simply allured to their speeches. The conviction and passion which threaten to ooze out of them any minute. People love that, they love someone who can make a difference. As a christian, does our life spells conviction, passion and taste of victory or is it just an unimpressionable nice guy/gal living day by day, slipping flawlessly into the system? It's tough not to succumb to the pressure. In a way, it's depressing.

Everyone's looking for a saviour but do they know that we already have one? Maybe they are just waiting for someone to tell them and to bring them into his goodness.

Food for thought: How would I present myself as a candidate for Christ?

Good Tips for Life-work balance

[What to say to your boss]

PLEASE do not invite me to breakfast.

It’s not that I don’t like breakfast. To the contrary, I could happily eat eggs or cereal at every meal. But I write about life-work balance, and it feels a little contradictory to conduct an interview, or attend a conference, or give a speech, when everyone involved had to sacrifice sleep to attend.

I have similar qualms about working dinners. After a long day of work, why follow it up with more work?
. . .


There has been a shift in the role of these meetings-with-food over the years. In the 80′s, a 7 a.m. appointment was a sign that you were so important you had to start before dawn. We called them power breakfasts back then, and Masters of the Universe wanted to be seen at their regular table at dawn.
More recently, however, they’ve come to feel like yet another symptom of an overstuffed day.


(Extracted from Life at the Bar)

Some tips on how to have "life-work balance:

1. Plan intentionally. If you “go with the flow,” someone else will be determining the balance of your life. Instead, spend a few minutes every month deciding what commitments (business and personal commitments) are non-negotiable for you. Don’t forget to include time you spend on true recreation (Amen to that!). Mark those on your calendars, and then consider what else you’d like to add in.

2. Exercise your discretion. When you have an opportunity to attend a work gathering, whether it’s a working meeting or business socializing, at times outside the ordinary work day, consider carefully before accepting. What will you be saying “no” to if you say “yes” to this event? Is the event important? Is it urgent? Do you want to do it? There’s no single “right” answer here that means you should or shouldn’t attend. The questions will lead you to your decision without dictating it.

3. Limit yourself. You either have learned or will learn soon that energy is not infinite. Adding morning and evening business commitments to a packed schedule can constitute self-sabotage if done without attention to the effects on your energy level. One client I worked with decided to limit herself to 2 evening commitments each week and never to schedule a morning meeting before 9 AM on the day following an evening commitment. Although she reduced the number of hours she devoted to work in this way, she increased her productivity during working hours as a result.

This is cute or what?! =D

Seriously?! :)

I find this funny...

Why so serious?? Isn't life meant to be lived?

Yest an old friend suddenly texted me cos my status is "A new chapter" and we chatted blah blah blah and she said she heard that I am in a relationship with a brother from church. Well, news not only spread fast but far haha. I mean it was like ages since we have last met :) She remembered us shopping at Marina 9 years back and that I used to like green nail polish. That was kinda sweet for me and I rem she likes the colour red :) Well well... something to look forward this Friday... and updates from another fren abt her relationship, happy that its going great. The top I ordered came yesterday. Finally. I like the green, just like how it looks on the website.

Two more days to weekends.

Two more days to polling day!

My very first time :))

Happy Day :)

Soon it's going to be time for home. Feels so fast, perhaps cos it has been a long weekend, I am still stretching myself to get the engine going for the week. Before i know it, I know it's soon to be yet another weekend :) Just 3 more days. Today, I thank God for the many holidays in the month of May. Labour day, Vesak day, Off in lieu for polling day, off in lieu for family day. I thank God for the people I connected with today. I thank God for reminding me of the many needs in this world. I thank God for the ability to give. I thank God that my mum came for the service yesterday for the first time in my ten years as a christian :))

My little guy :)

Today my little guy came to my table and gave me a packet of drink. The first time in this 3 years!

The same guy who got me downgraded as he went to tell my boss that I did not have enough time for him last year when I was doing my studies.

I thank God that I did not give up on him but was able to look past the grade and treat him as usual. This is what I was called to do, to lift up the broken souls and not for the pay or recognition.

I need to always remember that !

Perhaps

After watching the 3 idiots, I feel something in me rekindled. Just feel like packing my stuff, go somewhere probably Australia to study and work there. Simply dislike the education system in Singapore and the crazy pace here and also the very boring places of 'interests'. It's like after a while, u just feel kinda sian. Watching the interviews of Nicole Seah, I am very much attracted to her passion and zeal despite her young age, how she speaks with conviction. I am really glad that I belong to the Marine Parade GRC so I get to vote. I realised that we actually studied in the same school! I like what she said about studying in the Marine Parade area all her life, from CHIJ to TKSS to TJC and that she has the heart for the place. Though competition is really really strong but at least there is some serious contending this year :)

Two more years, can it be a dream come true?

Take me and I will go. Anytime.

Water for elephant

Definitely my next show ! :)

Sunrise

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I not knew midnight

Weekend, here I come :)

Pretty mixed feelings before the long weekend. One is that I am really excited cos it's going to be a long weekend, another is that I am afraid of it ending soon. I think I am going mad. Was looking through a magazine while at the clinic and saw the symptoms of stress and realised that I am pretty much moving towards most of them. Also saw this picture of cocoa island at the maldives. I was like wow... wished I am there NOW! A wish remains a wish though cos of the killer rates. Will be starting on my medication soon if my blood test goes well. Feeling a little scared cos of the side effects and yet excited of improved skin condition. I am sick of oily face and new pimples popping up, makes me feel like I am going through my teenage years again. I pray that once and for all, this problem will be solved and I dun have be bothered by it.

Keeping my fingers crossed :)

Burnt caramel ice-cream

Eating my burnt caramel ice-cream... Wat a great way to end a tiring day at work :)

You are my father

Love this song...

In the light of God's majesty, alot of things doesn't matter anymore :)

Moments

Mum: 什么是natural?
佳燕：huh?
Mum: 什么是natural?
佳燕:Orh..自然lor..有人说你natural ah?
Mum:刚才我们说话的时候，他们一直说，＂你很natural,我不懂他们在说什么。＂
Mum：natural 是好还是不好？
佳燕：好 la!!

I love such conversations of the everyday life :) simple yet real :)

I wish ...

Today, I wish I m already in Taiwan ...

Marriage

How do two people know they want to marry each other? Does it happen one morning when they wake up n it suddenly occurs to them or is it cos the time is right or what?

Take it slow

Yes, it's official. I am now a masters student :) just received my certificate by mail last night and it brings a slight cheer to my heart. God has the best way of encouraging me when I feel low. A dream I had five years ago now fulfilled. I know God's hand has been in this all along. I had never been so clear about something.

I did a few good things for myself... Reckon I need to get my life right... At least in the areas which I still have control over. Changed my contact lens to daily disposable n w retained moisture, a new toothbrush, an eye cream n a desert to complete my night. Oh, and a show I had always wanted to watch though i din get to watch it. Rather catch up on my sleep, enough activity for the day.

I realized these are things which I have been putting aside since dunno when n they r like long overdue but I jus din feel like doing much after wrk but rather go home directly n eat n rest earlier. Feel like crying again. God, I need to know that you r God n I m not. A sudden feeling of lostness. Am I at another stage of quarter life crisis?

Today I jus wan to take it real slow.

Just gonna take it and live with it

Feel my body failing me...the diahorea, headache, sore throat and whatever is going to come. Is it the emotional rides or the physical tow from the increase in workload and staying back at nights? well...maybe it's all. Knowing me...it all connects. God, I need your strength, I need your passion, your compassion, your rest. Ling will be going in to tell boss about her resignation in half an hours time :( Yup, it's coming. Jus realised that another colleague has jus tendered and staying till end of this month. He happens to b my fav houseparent. Another colleague telling me that she is very demoralised.

One after another after another, my heart is failing. Sometimes, I wonder why it must all come at the same time. Can't they spread out while I allow the emotions to settle first? Nope, this is life. Thrown right into your face whether u are prepared or not. Jus gonna take it and live with it.

Life pushes u to move on faster than your heart is ready. How many times do I need to experience this before I finally get numb? Maybe when that day comes I will no longer be me.

22/03/11

As I was drinking my coffee this morning, I feel that it taste pretty standard, like an everyday affair...Something I have to have everyday yet it does not have the wow feeling. Perhaps such is life, when a part of your life becomes part of you, so much so that it becomes routine and dull. I love my job, even though I go to work daily. It's never a routine. There are always changes and happenings.

11/04/11

Something's pulling me back. I am feeling a little tired but I dunno what it is. Is it a lack of sleep or spiritual dryness or what? I just feel like putting everything down and go into hibernation for a day or two. Prob it's a sign of burnout, the past week stayed back for two nights. Soon April will be over and next comes May...and June.

Journey

Life is funny sometimes...

When u think u have got everything going and all of a sudden u realize that u are starting right from the beginning again. All that have passed are all just part of what makes the foundation for something greater, something bigger.

The journey continues.

Caterpillar still waiting to be a butterfly.. Wondering when I will get there...

The beauty of aging gracefully :)

Beautiful for me

Beautiful for me by Nicole Nordeman

Every girl young and old has to face her own reflection
Twirl around, stare it down
What’s the mirror gonna say
With some luck, you’ll measure up
But you might not hold a candle to the rest
“Is that your best?” says the mirror to the mess
But there’s a whisper in the noise
Can you hear a little voice
and he says

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me

If it’s true beauty lies in the eye of the beholder
What my life and what’s inside to give him something to behold
I want a heart that’s captivating
I wanna hear my Father say

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Oh
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me
Close your eyes
Look inside
Let me see the you that you’ve been trying to hide
Long ago, I made you so very beautiful
So I ought to know you’re beautiful

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
Yeah
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful
You’re so beautiful
Beautiful for me
So beautiful for me

A sad note

The day began on a sad note.

Another person leaving the team and this is the only person in the workplace whom I feel most comfortable with and now she's going. I know I should be happy for her that she is pursuing God's calling for her and deep down, I can't stop the sinking feeling from setting in. I am in great denial (numbing my emotions). No wonder I have been feeling real emotional recently, like as though God is preparing me for what is to come. The dream I had on Sunday that Ling was moving to a new place. It's scary, reminded me of that time when my dad passed away, I had a sad dream the nite before as well. All these thoughts of losses are like filling my mind.

Another shocking news which came in a conversation. It solved the puzzle in my head rite at the start when she first joined.

In a way, everything is slowly making sense but while ignorance leaves me and knowledges sets in, the pain comes along with it as well. It's draining my energy bit by bit.

10 months :)

Today is our 10 months anniversary ...Zhiyong, case u dun remember what I shared to u, I thank God how He brought us through till now, how we are both moulded and changed to where we are now. I am grateful for the many times we both choose to stay n resolve the issue despite the hurts n the times we showed grace to each other n the times we put each other above ourselves, the times we confess our sins to each other n ask for forgiveness, the times we showed understanding to each other, the times we simply enjoyed each others' company, the times we encourage n comfort each other, the times we had lotsa fun together, the times we prayed for each other n the relationship, the times we come out of our comfort zone...

I thank God for letting me experience the joy of being in a secure relationship, that by His grace, we did not give each other up even after the cooling off periods. Thanks for the flower n the eye drops n more importantly, the heart behind Wat motivated the action. I will support u in watever decision u make :)

Love u :)

Growth revisited

Yesterday during the training at MCYS, the trainer ended off by sharing a few quotes to encourage us in our work with the children:

"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter."

"Just living is not enough," said the Butterfly." One must have sunshine, freedom and a little flower."

They kinda connected to me... one for obvious reasons (cos it the title of my blog! ha!) and the other about the importance of laughter. The next side of the bookmark has quotes on what children really wants from a research done. Some of them are:

Children should grow up happy and enjoy their childhood.
Do I know what is the best thing about this child?
See the child, not his problems...

These reminders set me thinking how many times I have brushed aside a little one because I am busy with all the admin work and how many times I stop them from playing with water and toys because it messes up the place and creates fights and also how many times I let one pass without a genuine smile or laughter from our session together. Actually what they want is so simple, just our presence and our undivided attention for that short period.

I had a new admission last night, a five year-old girl and she was experiencing separation anxiety, refusing to let her mother go. I just carried her and brought her back to the unit and she stuck with me like a koala bear, not letting me go. One of the girls say, "Jie, you haven take in a child like that for very long already hor." and I was thinking to myself, "ya, that's right." I have forgotten this feeling of being a safe refuge for the little ones which os part of what brought me here in the first place. Providing a place they can feel safe enough to stay in till they are ready to face the scary new place. A familiar longing was stirred somehow.

The audition for the kids, as I watched them all grown up, now performing. It brought tears to my eyes. It's like not too long ago this group were in their primary schooling years, socially awkward and low self- confidence. There I saw them all in their teens, playing the guitar and drums and singing to the song, "Once in a december". I felt so...... proud of them :) Blossoming ... I know that they will grow up to be really close friends, just like siblings as they have grown up together all these years. I thank God that they have each other to count on ..

God, thank you for giving me a glimpse into how it must feel like when u witness my growth through the years. I really hope to make you proud.

Up ahead

It's mid-week :)

The groupwork tonight, intake interview, discipline committee meeting and orientation for new staff plus the recordings to be done. That's going to be a busy but fruitful day ... Tmr yet another round, training at MCYS in the morning and the audition for the talent show at night. Friday will be my relaxing day.

Am wearing my $8 dress which I bought online and all my colleagues says its nice and fits very well. Well, cheap can be pretty too :)

I am looking forward to the Taiwan trip, the lasik surgery and Cameron highlands trip :))

Today I want to remember that the reason for me working hard is not for that excellent grade which gives me that additional bonus and promotion but rather, the passion which led me here in the first place.

God, pls break my heart for what breaks yours. I dun wanna lose focus.

Amazed

This morning, I give thanks to God for the blessings He has given me though underserving I definitely am. Sometimes, I get so caught up with all the activities as well as resting and slacking that I fail to settle my heart to ponder about things and reflect on my life. Yet, I am ever so amazed that He is always in control :) A song came to me which is one of my all-time favourite AMAZED:

You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound

Yes God, many times I am either in slumber or deaf even when you are watching over me. The martha in me getting so caught up with the many things when only one thing is needed. Have I forgotten that I wanted to build a deeper foundation with you and that I want to draw closer to you? Perhaps its time to clear the clutter and allow space in me for you to work in me.

Father, I thank you for the unexpected bonus in April
Father, I thank you for the brothers and sisters in the new CG
Father, I thank you for new friends we make during the badminton session
Father, I thank you for the friends who may be coming for the movie night
Father, I thank you for keeping me sane and reminded of my purpose at work despite the chaos
Father, I thank you for speaking to me at every service
Father, I thank you for people in the CG who shared openly about their family problems and love life
Father, I thank you for being able to handle my emotions better in conflicts
Father, I thank you that I am never in lack and that you will always provide eventually

My bond

My bond will end as of 24th May 2013 :))

For now, my aim is to get excellent grade for the rest of my time here...

Inside

There are many external things which can move our hearts but I am convinced that the most beautiful things comes from inside :)

Dreams

There is so much going through my heart these few weeks that I thought I could burst. This morning I thank God that I managed to wake up early to do my work. I know that this is only possible with God and not me because my natural self would have gone to sleep longer and nua in bed. I thank God for the sisters and brothers in the new group who have extended their warm welcomes, offered their prayers, availability and kind replies throughout this short period of time. The sowing event which is going to take place this Saturday eventually culminating in the Easter celebration. I really feel God's leading being clearer in the midst of it all, how He seem to guide my actions in the most divine way and speak to me in the wrong heart attitudes and affirm me through people. I am also thankful for the art class which will begin in May and I can already see the theme of the painting - DREAMS. Yes, that's what came to my mind.

Dear God, I thank you for all that I am and all that I am not.

At the art gallery :)

Surrenderedness

Made the decision to put on hold my driving till next year and cancelled my test in April. In a way, I am relieved. It was a rash decision made and with the motive of wanting to accomplish yet another thing. This morning, I prayed that God stills my heart and increase my desire for Him, that which will want him badly in my life. I want to go back to those days when worshipping God was a lifestyle and as it is, doing it as though it is second nature to me. To be in the world, yet not of the world and influencing the world. That's a calling. A calling for all of us to go forth and make disciples of all nations. I need to set my life right. The daily devotions, prayer and seeking God in all direction in my life.

Not my will, but Yours be done.

I surrender.

My victory is in you

Hi


Just want to congratulate Jasmine for the control and direction she placed in her presentation of cases this afternoon at the care plan meeting. The care plan forms used ensured that a systematic coverage was made on the cases and I hope you all sense a more in-depth discussion from the members of the meeting, on the cases presented by Jasmine.
I hope to see more of this from the rest of you.
Gerardine


Another affirmation from my boss and her asking me to do devotions. I must be doing something right.

God, your will be done :)

He has overcome the world

Preparing for devotion this morning.

God reminded me that the authority comes from His word and not me but why am I still having this bit of butterflies in my stomach? I pray for my confidence to come from Him and my strength and words from Him and not myself.

God is god and I am not.

No, I dun wanna be overwhelmed. Jiayan, take heart...He has overcome the world.

The next generation

Wondering to myself how we can prepare our kids for this world... it's certainly not easy to do so. I mean, before we get to that, we have to first be ready for the world ourselves. Is it enough just to cram them with all that MOE has given to them in school and make sure they come up tops in everything? Well, for one, that's a start. How about everything else after that? Who's going teach them about the office politics which DOES happen, managing relationships with others well and yet still keeping oneself sane, have an open mind and hopeful heart? That, I believe, comes from their experiences with others most of the times. And if they stay cooped up at home doing their assessments day after day, night after night...with the TV as the main source of relaxation after some hard work, they are not going to learn anything from there. They will simply get a very wrong perception of how this world is like and believe in an illusion painted by the media. Sure, there is the parental influence and the definitely, without doubt, the good values passed down by their parents through modelling of good behaviors. While this is good, it does not paint a realistic picture of the world where not everyone truly desire the best for them from the bottom of their hearts. A world where actions may not necessarily comes genuinely from the heart. To me, exposure has to begin from young and understanding has to come from within so that decision-making is informed and not influenced by popular culture, coercion from other influential figures in our lives, pressure from stressors or simply because we just do not know what else to do.

I believe in the fall, pick ourselves up, fall and pick ourselves up again theory in teaching a child, if there is one :) I think what I really mean is that the next generation needs to be prepared for the challenges of the next generation and not now.

A cord of 3 strands is not easily broken

This morning as I was walking to the bus-stop, there were 3 pigeons in front of me...At first, they were going in the same direction then two of the pigeons turned to the side to get some food while the other pigeon kept going in the same direction. After that, all three pigeons continued moving forward together. I believe it's a reminder from God about friendship. Though we are no longer as closely knitted as before in terms of proximity, we still hold on to the values which we did in the past and till now. Things that let us know each other for who we are, despite the changes in lifestyle and appearance or life stages. We made a pact that we will be committed to each other on things that we promised, no matter what :) And I know we will. Not pushing to make it happen but more of a silent trust that it will be.

My dear Tracy is soon going to be someone else's wife and I am really happy for her. It's like we have always been talking about this before we got attached and now it's happening. more waiting to unfold. June and her trips, also what she has in mind all along, to explore another country. In a way, I am glad that we are not at the same position because I already carry a piece of them with me and whatever they are going through in their life will just be added to this piece in my heart. I am so grateful to God that the friendships continue to remain in spite of changes in ministry, church and all other things. It gives me a sense of security as well that the friendships can stand through the test of time and changes.

This week I want to slow down my pace so that the inner me can slow down as well. Sometimes I am scared of myself, so many things going through my head and it becomes a mess. This happens when there are a lot of things to do and the kan cheong spider in me comes out, stressing others as well. Worrying that things are not in place, did I miss out anything etc etc.

I need to tell myself that come'on Jiayan, the world can do without you and that even if everything is not in place, it's ok. God will still make all things beautiful in His timing.

Listen and love

Learning points:

"When someone is sharing his point of view to me, I try to ...

Listen,
ask questions,
listen again,
ask more questions,
lsiten some more,
then
respond."

"We gossip because we fail to love. When we love people, we don't criticize them. If we love them, their failures hurt. We don't advertise the sins of people we love any more than we advertise our own."

School holidays

Today I realized that when your boyfriend n ur best friend are teachers, school holidays suddenly becomes so significant ...

Pink n yellow roses, it is done :)

What a wonderful week !

Be there

I just realised that there are so many leaves in our garden which can be eaten on its own. There is basil leave, curry leave, mint leave and a few others. Some which is good for sore throat, cold and flu. Some good for bringing down cholestrol and some which is just simply good on its own. I just feel like buying a few pots of these and grow them at home :)

Just feel really happy with this new discovery and other little things such as a recognition of my work by my boss. It's the second time in these two weeks she has praised me and it tells me I am on the right track :) Also, two colleagues commented today that my earrings is nice. Yesterday another colleague said that I write well. It does make working here a more pleasant experience for me. Not forgetting to mention that my boss is on two days leave next week :)

I love celebrations because they remind me of the good things in life. Like yesterday's hen's night for Daisy, Tracy's bday celebration next Tuesday, Guanhui's bday celebration, Daisy's wedding. I realise all of a sudden that this is the most beautiful time in my life when I can chase my dreams, when people celebrate new beginnings and life, when I can still do challenging things without having to worry, when I have the energy to do many things, when there is so much to look forward to. To learn, to feel, to experience, to taste, to witness, to simply - Be there.

Makes my day :)

From my boss today :)

Hi Jasmine


Your persistence demonstrated in the case has been instrumental in making this difference. Thank you Jasmine.
Gerardine

Family

Yesterday my mum cooked herbal soup and each time I smell it in the kitchen, it brings back a familiar feeling of home. To me this is much better than any nice cusine out there selling in the restaurant. It's like a kind of comfort food which you can only experience at home. This is the same as the homesick feeling u get after leaving home for a number of days and missing the food at home when you are sick. No where is better than home.

Yesterday I told my mum that we are going to bid for the BTO flats and she was very supportive, saying that we should do it already as we have to wait a number of years. She said that we can come back and eat anytime and also ask the maid to go to my house to clean up a few times a week. I felt very assured by what she said. Partly because I knew that my family will be there even after I get married and it's relief to know that my life will not be so much of a change. I can still very much enjoy what I am enjoying in the comforts of my home now. I am thankful that my mum is very understanding as she said that the house shouldn't be too far from Zy's school as he will have to travel very far everyday.

I hope to be able to build such a family next time where my children will feel so comfortable that they are unwilling to leave home :)

Wisdom can only come from Him

Yet another morning this weel which I wake up fresh and ready for the day. Sometimes a little bit more sleep can work wonders! :) Thank God for giving me the wisdom to understand the situation at work today, I think He is just amazing. I mean, on my own, I would not have seen it that way. It must have been from Him. Waking up to this statement sticking in my brain, "God is God and I am not". Amen to that :) The change in perspective enabled me to put things into perspective.

I started reading the book on 'Winning with people' and the first chapter talks about how prepared we are for relationships. A few things which struck me:

The way people see others is a reflection of themselves.

People respond to what they are prepared to believe. And what prepares them for what they believe is their experience...We can't undo our past experiences, but we can reprogram ourselves using new ones.

Celebrate Life

One thing I want to do for the whole of next week:

CELEBRATE my LIFE as It is :)

As what Pastor said today during the sermon, do not give up the important to take care of the urgent.

Another lesson learnt - Love is courageous

Glad to be back here at my desk after three days at the course. Phonecalls after phonecalls and many things to attend to but I enjoy such a fast-paced environment at times, it keeps me motivated, keeps me going. Thank God for Ling who gave me a clip cos I said I was looking for it, a very timely and thoughtful gift :) I think God is good because I have made the decision to stop buying things which I want but does not need and here, she bless me with something I want ... She finally bought her iphone and now we can watsapps each other :)

I invited a number of friends for service this sunday but they are all busy, either got to OT or going to M'sia. At least this lets me know that this is what they do over the weekends, can organise something along that line next time ...

I WANT TO...
I want to rise above my circumstances and not let anything stop me from doing what I need to. I want to be emotionally, mentally and physically present in everything I do without just seeing it as a task to be ticked off from my to-do list. I want to make an effort to appreciate the people around me more, especially those who love me and whom I love. I want to treasure everything which I already possess and bring it to the maximum potential. I want to do what God has called me to do and not be 'over- responsible'. I want to go to bed every night and be glad for the day that has passed and wake up each morning looking forward to what is to come.

Tuesday was a emotionally charged day and it's been a while since I experienced such an array of intensive emotions bubbling in me, making me feel almost out of control. I lost myself to my emotions but also realised at the same time that a negative feeling can lead to something good. Perhaps it was God's gift of survival instinct at the right moment when it was much needed. The empowerment came from inside and not outside but after that, left me feeling so weak and I broke down physically. It takes a lot of strength to be angry, it's tested and proven. It's amazing that in the same night, I also allow my anger to lead to something bad, to reveal an ugliness in me which is capable of hurtful words when left unchecked.

Something inside which blamed, questioned, doubted and criticised and yet, I was received with kind words. I recall the story which I read of the girl who was hiding from love and pushed people away from her and ran away from them. Somehow I felt like that girl and it had felt safer to handle everything on my own, something I have slowly grown accustomed to. Yet, something pulled me back, out of my defense mechanism and made me realised there is another person I can trust with my vulnerability. No wonder the bible says that we overcome evil with good. I was touched yet I was scared at the same time. It takes a lot of courage to be loved by another, knowing that all humans are imperfect and will at some point, disappoint you (whether intentionally or unintentionally). It takes a lot of courage to trust someone with your raw emotions, knowing that their lack of understanding will hurt you even further.

But it also takes a lot of courage to continue to love despite being pushed away, avoided and rejected.

Give thanks :D

It's a beautiful day to thank God for !!!

Last night my brother and I were being locked up inside the room and we were desperately trying to open the door. My brother said the only way was to knock down the knob which will cause a lot of noise and it was already 12AM. So there we were trying to think of ways to open the door. I try some really really silly ways such as tying a knot to the door knob and pull hard with my body weight, poking at the hole of the knob etc and my brother just said flatly to me, "Stop doing all these stupid things" Each time I tried, he would say that my efforts are futile. At one point, we both just gave up and thought about climbing over to my sister's room but after Zhiyong asked me to pray, I kept praying for the situation to change. As my brother lied on the bed after many failed attempts, I went over to keep trying again with my silly methods. Then an SMS came from my HP and my brother asked whether its my msg and the next moment, the door opened. It was a divine moment or rather, feels like it. I was in shock and I kept saying, "I kept praying and praying." God is good, all the time :) And yes, He will always provide a way out :)

I thank God for the three day course next week and for 16th March that my boss allowed us to go to Sentosa during office hours as well as allowing all of us to go for social workers' day and also the many exciting ideas for Daisy's hen's night and the tickets we bought to KL and the good and deep talk with Shu and the tiramisu making session tonight with close friends and tmr with Trac and June and the many many many things which keep my spirits high :)

Role/ identity confusion

Meetings after meetings for the entire week but somehow, it brings back the passion in me as I explain my case in front of a group of people. People who stops and listens to what you have to say. It's a good feeling but God reminded me that my motivation should come out of love n speaking for justice rather than wanting to look good in front of my boss or feeding my own ego. Yesterday I read an article on Singaporean women not making good wives cos according to the men interviewed, we are self-centered, self-opinated and materialistic. When it comes to good wife material, it seems the good but non-traditional characteristics of the woman are being greatly downplayed. Good traits such as independence, strong will, a mind of our own etc. Aren't this equally important in the choice of a mate? I would think so. The many roles of women has always been a debatable issue. We are sometimes required to be soft on the outside and tough on the inside and yet other times, soft on the inside and tough on the outside. The work domain n the family domain in conflicts with each other. Role confusion is but an understatement in this competitive yet patriarchal society we live in. I say it becomes identity confusion eventually. Afterall, we live the role we are being given. At some points, either one will have to take over more, as the situation requires. So dun blame a woman for having mood swings or being temperamental. It's a coping mechanism in the midst of the chaos.

Handle self with mind and others with heart

There are many tough decisions to be made in my line of work and sometimes, an emotional decision will lend me in hot soup later on. I realise how this is a fact of life. While it was a calculated decision, I still can't help feeling upset over the repercussions which takes place later on. However, given the choice to turn back time, I think I would have done the same thing all over again. One was lending money to someone who only managed to return to me much later than the promised time and giving me a long sob story which honestly I am not sure how much of it is true. Another is someone whom I chose to buy uniform for, out of a goodwill and yet still have not gotten back all my money. And now a child whom I wanted her not to be disaapointed and now, I am getting the brunt of it. Well, I think to myself whether I am being unwise in my decisions but still.... it's so inhumane to ignore the cry for help. At the heart, I still follow my heart.

Remember what God spoke to me some time back,

That I need to learn to :

Handle myself with my head
Handle others with my heart

I am still leanring...

Lifting up my hands and heart to you

That which causes tears to flow must be that which touches the heart. It's both a strange phenomenon yet amazing experience. I believe there is a yearning deep within in each of us to want to be part of something significant and at the end of the search, we realised once again that it can only come from God, our creator who determines our destiny. The God of love who fills our emptiness and satisfies our every longing and meets our needs even when we do not ask for it.

I love to know the wedding verses which others have chosen. It tells me the theme of their love journey :) Meiyan's was Psalm 23:6 and Daisy's Ecc 3:11. It's a wonderful thing to know how God has been with them throughout in their journey of knowing, understanding and loving each other, guiding them through and through. When my turn comes, I only pray for one thing which is God's hand to be clearly in the relationship.

All things are uncertain but only He is not. He is and will be the same forever :) My God :)

I am ready, use me!

A balancing act

A short break in between.

I am just wondering to myself how much do we ACTUALLY have control over our lives. If knowing what is the right thing to do is the first step then the actual execution will naturally follow after that. Sounds simple. However, due to human limitations such as the temptation of the flesh, distractions and interuption of plans due to external circumstances and the many other things, more often than not, we do not have as much control as we think we do.

In a way, its a helpless situation. Yet, it's also an opportunity for God to take charge during times when things does not flow according to our plan or how it should be. To follow strictly to the plan, one swings from the extremes of rigidity to being principled. To adopt the motto of following our heart, one swings from the extremes of unpredictablity to spontaneity.

It's all about balance.

And why is it so difficult?

Just three things :)

Just three things for Tmr night: The corsages, the carebear attire and an early rest :D

The human transformation

I was watching the Kings speech on my iPhone last nite... Din get to finish though cos the downloading was slow. Dun like things hanging in the air but I guess sleep is more important. In the show the duke, second son of the king was asked to give a speech following his fathers death but he has a problem with public speaking n has been stammering since four or five. He then went to a therapist who adopts unconventional methods of helping pple w speech problems. I love the exchanges between them, the slowly breaking down of his pride through the therapist skillful ways of engaging him, threatening him n convincing him. Also the qns which he asks which I find is brilliant. Definitely gg to finish it, I believe it will fall into the list of my fav movies. I love the process of transformation in someone. It's beautiful, like a caterpillar wiggling it's way out if the cocoon to be a butterfly. The potential of human strength is limitless :)

A friend who knows my heart

Met up with June to do the carebear attire for Meiyan's wedding... It reminds me of the good old time we just sit down together n prepare for Cg. 我们还是这么的有默契。She asked me how I spend Valentines day and I shared with her what happened and how I was initially upset that there will be no flowers and no Bday gift ... But later on Zhiyong gave me flowers. At that moment I felt very bad but I didn't know how to react cos I was feeling such a lot of mixed emotions. I didn't really look at the flowers and kept a distance. I told June I dunno why I did that and she just said matter of factly to me, "because u feel ugly right?" I looked at her, paused for a moment and said, "yes u are right". This is a friend who truly understands me very well n speaks the truth to me :)The ugly truth reveals. I am but a sinner incapable of perfect love.

June is such a great gal I feel like shouting out loud to all the good unattached guys out there " look here!!! Heres a perfect gem. Wat are u waiting for? "

My First Valentine's Day - A dramatic one which ended beautifully

My first Vday in my 28 years of age :) There is no such thing as too late :) God is good :)

Journey - Don't Stop Believing

Another lovely song :)

Just the way you are

Just what every girl needs to hear from their guy :)

U know it when u feel it

Question of the day: Should your boyfriend spend money to buy you flowers on V-day?

Well, my boyfriend said he got the opinion of 2 other girls and they said its a crazy idea to get flowers on V-day. He also think that it's more worthwhile to give me a nice treat. My male colleague, on the other hand, said that it's expected and that he nevers fails to give his wife 12 stalks of her fav pink tulips on V-day. This morning, I posed the qn to my 2 female colleagues and they said, "depends on whether your bf is romantic or not." And I saw on yahoo news that one of the 5 worst valentines day gift is flowers cos the price is jacked up.

Oh well... am I the overly idealistic gf or am I just typical girl who feels happy to receive flowers? Not about V-day or birthdays or anniversaries or what but yes, I do love to receive flowers. I love to give flowers to others. I feel happy when I do that cos to me, they are so pretty. Maybe it's a girl's thing I am not sure but I won't deny this impractical side of me just because of some article or the fact that it is 5 times more expensive than the usual rate.

All this said, another value which I hold more dearly is whether an action/ gift/ words comes from the heart. Thats the most impt, means u try ur very very best to put urself in the other person's shoes no matter how different u are and think of what makes him or her happy and do that thing. Like playing peekaboo with a baby and listen to him squeal with delight even though it makes u look like a fool, Paying for an air-tic at an extremely hefty price to visit ur partner who is studying or working overseas just to give him or her a surprise visit just becos u miss him and all things along this line.

Nobody needs to teach such things because as beautiful as it can be, the value is lost immediately once it becomes an obligation or a lesson to be learnt. Like a guy who pays someone to write love poems to please his girlfriend and being found out. Yup, that kind of feeling...

Need you more

Never want to go back to my old life ...

Life is full of dilemmas...you want to fit nicely into those pretty clothes yet u wanna enjoy every bit of that sumptuous meal. Well, I can't have the whole cake and eat it, can I? :P

I gave Ling the earrings, she say that it's nice and she likes it. Also intro to them the shop I went to, they all love it :) I feel happy to be able to share my joy and my discovery.

I love the time with June cos she is someone who knows me well and give really good comments. A genuine friend. She is a friend who makes me laugh just by being herself. Someone I enjoy eating my food with. I left my phone at the resturant yest and we had to go all the way back to get it. There was absolutely zero complaints from her and I can see that she was sincerely concerned about my phone. Along the way, she even try to lighten the situation. All this despite two long days at work with numerous meetings and that she has not prepared for her meeting the next morning.

She makes a great friend, a good wife, fantastic mother and companion.

Is this part of aging or is it just me?

There have been the bad dreams, the worries and difficulties in sleeping.

I think I need some consistency in my life. A kind of a routine that I can fall back on without having to constantly think of the next thing I need to do - be it work or personal life. People say you reap what you sow or that you get what you pay for. To a large extent, I do believe in this. That's why I believe in hard work and taking initiative. However... too much can be a killer at times. Especially in times where there are series of activities you have to particpate in. There are so many things I want to do but I am scared I cannot finish and the feeling of not being able to do them leaves me feeling helpless about it.

Perhaps the nature of my work can be quite intense at times and many times, the unexpected happens. A child blows up in front of you, a father crying in front of you, a parent screaming in the phone .... all part and parcel of my job. Sometimes it's like a love-hate relationship. I feel very alive to be experiencing raw human emotions yet it also leaves me slumped into my seat after all the "battles".

At the end of the day, I am just wishing for a nice, warm shower and soft bed to sleep in.

But then, as I lay there on the bed, images of the day comes to mind and the things that are not settled seeps in. This and that, here and there. My mind becomes so alive till it's hard to fall into sleep. Now, that's a painful feeling being unable to rest when the environment is right. I detest that.

It's like next, next, next...............and it doesn't seem to end.

I love my job :)

Hi Jasmine

Glad to note that XXX is behaving well. I must thank you for your tireless effort in helping this boy and the family. Thank you Jasmine.

Gerardine

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Wow, this really made my day! :)

Btw, XXX is my favourite boy :)

Little things which means a lot

I am skipping lunch today, in an attempt to look slimmer for the weddings to come :) My colleagues were like, "Come on la...do you need to?" Well... yes, I do haha. Gonna get my dress tmr and my hair permed next week, ALL for the sake of the weddings. yup, all the trouble for that. It's prob a girl's thing. I can almost imagine the anxiety going through all the brides-to-be, they must be like.....super stressed, making sure everything is perfect on their big day. At times like this, it must feel good to be a guy cos they have at most 2 outfits. Mayb I am being biased but that's how I really feel :)

Thinking about the couples around me...each have their own kind of sweetness, in different ways. Looking at their pictures, the things that they did for each other, their shared experiences, the happy and dreamy look they have when they share about each other. It's like no one is better than the other. It's just sweet in their own special ways.

Thank God that I managed to find an affordable restaurant which the food looks good and the ambience nice for the hen's night. Somehow, I knew God will provide cos he will want the best for Meiyan. Next up is the wedding corsages.

Many things to prepare and do.

For now, I pray for joy as I do every of these little things which means a lot.

Segregation

Segregation sometimes takes place so subtly that before you know it, it is happening to you. I guess life is as such...there always comes a point when you are either in one group or the other. There is no in-between or so it seems, though I am often an optimist in such matters. Believing in teletubbies land.

Till it leaves me face with the harsh reality...then, I am awoken from the dream.

Suddenly. Like a wave.

I tell myself ...

Perhaps this is just a seasonal thing

Perhaps it is part and parcel of life

Perhaps I have been naive all along

It's ok, Jiayan. Keep going.
God will make everything right in His timing.
He loves us too much not to.

In order to overcome your fear, you have to first learn to be comfortable with it.

Chinese New Year 2011

I feel kinda slack this CNY...jus watching TV, reading, sleeping and eating. I have almost finished the book on boundaries in dating and it gave me quite a number of insights into myself. Watched a show call 'Perfect lover' about a dog who became a human and falls in love with her owner. It reminded me of the importance of having a strong friendship in a romantic relationship. A love that is heartwarming even without sex but just purely enjoying each other's presence. As the actress said, "someone you will miss when u dun see him, u feel comfortable when u are w him and u feel warm just hugging him".

"see if that person is a person that you would like spending time with if there were no romance at all" (Boundaries in dating)

That's a tough one to answer because I experience both in the relationship, instead of one without the other and vice versa. But I think it's definitely a yes as I recall times when we spent time together without me having any thoughts abt romance at all and yes, I did enjoy spending time together :) However, I do wished that it had been a longer period and more opportunities of knowing each other at that level. Now, it's impossible to go back to then already.

We took a family potrait :)

I am amazed that we (my sis and cousin) are gg to KL tmr. It was a nice surprise for me as I can go and visit ZY and his family for the first time. I like to believe that it is God's plan in this as it certainly never came to my mind before of such a possibility. haha, i was still feeling emotional cos i thot i was not gg to see him for a while. God is good, He provided an opportunity in a way i did not expect :)

Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.

Looking back, seems like it has been God's plan all along. How we came to be in the same group ... leading to us having shared experiences and opportunities to build our friendship thr a natural setting, serving together. It gives me faith when I feel God's hand is in this. For me, I will just follow.