Aha moment

When was your last aha moment? :)

3 more laps: Make or break

Feeling so tired that I can fall asleep now but am waiting for my two clients to come and then going back to office to do work. My office has become my home. I am there daily, over the weekends and when I am on course. I feel sick thinking about it. Yes, I think I am falling sick and I am scared of falling sick because the world keeps moving when I stop and by the time I catch up with it, I am far behind and now, thats a scary thought.

Two more days to the 7th Lap. Can October come now? Wei says it will end with a blink of an eye but it FEELS so long. I feel like I am going to die already Boo hoo...

Meet

The things in this world often leaves me feeling disillusional. Is timing such an important thing? Why do some people happen to be in the same place but their paths do not cross and why do some, when their paths crossed, their hearts do not meet? Probably it's about the right timing or perhaps it's about the right person. For me, it's the latter. Or is it both?

 

xi guan ran ren you zhong mo ming qi miao de an quan gan
que you you zhong mo ming de ji mo
er ni yong yuan bu zhi dao ni de xi guan hui ran ni zuo cuo she me

ta(he) xi guan xiang zuo zou
ta(she) xi guan xiang you zou

Start being Raw :)

I stumbled upon this comment made by a sister before and it brought understanding to me on the kind of person she is and how I can be more understanding. To me, the question is what is the reason she is not sharing her feelings with me but the second part just shed light to me and speak what has been in my heart - to share our RAW feelings to others so that they have an opportunity to be in our lives at the right time. Wow, powerful words. It's time to be raw ... :P

"I too am one who hardly shares my feelings with ppl. Sometimes the word jus dun come out, sometimes is because i dun want to add burden to another person, sometimes is becos i dun feel close to the person, sometimes wrong timing or lack of time to share etc... alot of reason :p but I too am trying hard to change in this area. I rem that my ex shepherd shared to me that the biggest breakthru in frenship is when you are with the person when the person need you most or vice versa -> to be in each others' lives at the "right" time. Hence by sharing your raw feelings to other ppl, actually you are giving them the opportunity to be in your lives at the "right time", to understand you, to know your expectations, to know how you respond,to console you or comfort you, to share your joy and happiness, etc... It is these few sentences that struck me and made me realize that actually I haven been giving opportunities to other ppl to be in my life... And the sentence that struck me most is :"Jus as I want to be in other ppl's life, they need to be in my life too!" :) "


Say what you need to say :)

Say the word and we will do it

Father, thank you for your vision for the group. May each of us take on our role with one purpose in mind which is to put up a performance as a team to glorify your name and to please you. When you say "move", we will move. When you say, "stop", we will stop. When you say, "jump", we will jump. When you say trust, we will trust. We will follow.

Say the word and I will sing for you
Over oceans deep I will follow
If each star was a song and every breath of wind praise
It would still fail by far to say all my heart contains
I simply live
I simply live for you

Ups and Downs

After the counseling session yesterday, my client came to me and speak in a hushed tone and with a huge smile, "Thank you Jasmine. D*** (her son) told me that he will sleep early because Jasmine says and he set the alarm clock to wake up on his own." I felt really glad because I was feeling a little discouraged after my session with him on Tuesday when he kept looking at the watch and asked if he could go halfway through the session. In my mind, I was not sure if he would like to come back again but it was really encouraging to hear that from my client. I told her that I was really very glad and was a little surprised as well. We stood there smiling like as though we were sharing a secret. The Ups and Downs of life.

The Process

I have been having dreams. Someone told me that you have dreams when your heart is burdened with something and is probably feeling worried or anxious. I searched my heart and I found nothing. Maybe I have not searched hard enough or maybe I have done it the wrong way. Then I realised, I have to search for the creator of the heart in order to find the answer. Because he who creates me knows me best. My weak points, my vulnerabilities, my fears, my dreams, my innermost being. Inside out. Yes, that's the word. The search has stopped, it is no longer necessary. Unless I am found in him, any form of searching is futile. In some ways, I think I understand but still not completely sure. The ways of men and the ways of God, it has always been a mystery on how they can coincide when one is imperfect and the other one perfect. The road to perfection is a never-ending one, in which the destination cannot be arrived at by mere effort. Then one may ask, what is the point of the process since we can never reach the end in this lifetime? The asker has missed the point totally because that is the point. The PROCESS. That which makes the difference. That which beauty unfolds over time, slowly but surely. That which does not focus on the outcome. That which makes the journey worth the while. Nothing is ever clear-cut but one thing is certain. As long as God is with us, we do not have to fear. Like Jacob who was blessed by God after having wrestled with Him. I was amazed by his courage and his conviction that God was with him every step of the way. The one who sees God makes the decision to abandon all other things and come before him in all transparency to be moulded by Him. The process may be a painful one, not a pleasant one but it's the best one. Only one thing is needed. Wow...there are so many things we feels we need all the time but our Most High says that only one thing is needed. Indeed, He is everything. Wat else do we need except him alone. The questions are many but there is only one answer and it never changes. An answer we can rest on for all times and all situations. I am humbled.

Worship You alone

I want to be the humingbird which always finds a flower in the desert instead of the vulture which find carcass in the desert...

"What is it about women that creates such a desperate need in us to always "know", to always "understand"? We want an itinery for our life, and when God doesn't immediately produce one, we set out to write our own.

"I need to know," we tell ourselves.

"No," God answers softly, "you need to trust."

(Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World)

When I could barely open my eyes and was feeling like my head could split, you were there with me and sustain me through with your strength and quiet presence, till the very end when I have done what I needed to. Thank you God :)

And I will follow after You

For You are my desire
Oh Jesus, my heart belongs to You

Authentic Community

The cafe was a disappointment for most of us yesterday cos of the poor service, leaving us feeling unimportant. The limited choice of food and the slow service, no one came to attend to us or clear the table for that matter. Everyone's mood was pretty affected and that makes the food tastes horrid I guess. But it was great that we spoke on missions trip and everyone was keen about it, wanna go tog :) Also, thk God for the open and trasparent talk at the end of the CG when we shared about how God is present in our lives, thoughts and decision-making as well as how we can make CG an authentic communinity. House visits as suggested by Chris, sports by Len, the after midnite theory excitedly confirmed by pris, Shu and wei, that there is a strange magic that happens after midnite that pple will share of themselves vulnerably :) Community work is in my mind. The birthdays to come. Ownership, what Shu says...amen, the CG belongs to all of us..

Thanks for the phonecall, I enjoyed the talk :) It's good to do something just because you feel like doing and not out of obligation or agenda per say. Out of sight but not out of mind...

If only it can always be like this

I just came back from staff day, it's a bowling event this year...Though I din win the first prize like last year, I pretty much enjoyed the event. I managed to know a few colleagues more and also share about my personal life to another colleague who took the inititaive to come and talk to me. Honestly, I was very touched as we seldom get to talk to each other, her in the childcare and me in the social work department though we knw each other for abt 4 years alrdy. It's prob like what they say, the most familiar stranger :P She was sharing with me about marriage life, relationships and all that...thank God for her and she said she will pray for me (though I dun think she is a christian). I also had a chat with my colleague about church and we shared our fears, concerns and thoughts. It was good to hear her views on this. I also thank God for the colleagues who encouraged me each time I bowled and we are the SUNSHINE team, name chosen by me!

I find myself enjoying the event very much, it was just like eat, play, laugh, slack and talk crap and I talked a lot of crap haha. Not sure if my boss if shocked cos she is at the lane next to me but I dun care lah, I mean, it's staff day leh, when else can we relax... It's amazing how anyone can really be friends minus the stress and status. No office polictics, no climbing over another to get somewhere higher, no meeting of deadlines, no curt remarks, no comparing, no gossiping, no judging, no complaining etc. Jus pure enjoyment of one another's company. After all, we are HERE because we have the same passion. We love the children and we want the best for them. We love to work with people. My brother says that his ideal job is when his job doesn't feel like a chore. I told him that my job doesn't feel like a chore but I realised that the joy is slowly seeping away, consumed by the workload and stress.

I wish to be the same person I was just now as I am at work. Someone who can simply be myself 100%. To scream like a schoolgirl when I got a strike, to share my dreams, fears and concerns, to share about my personal life, to eat and eat without having to watch the time, to play with the children and squeeze their cheeks, to laugh like crazy, to pose in the pictures like an idiot, to joke with my colleagues, to choose a 'childish' name like sunshine team just becos I feel like it and to give Hi-fives like nobody's business...

Work, life, me. How to strike a balance?

Cafe Parlet @ Tiong Bahru

Caffe Pralet

17 Eng Hoon Street

#01-03/04, Eng Hoon Mansions

6223 5595

Looking forward to CG this Sunday...Yummy :P

Selective Amnesia

My supervisor says that a person can have selective amnesia. I think it's kinda true, I think it may just be happening to me. Maybe it's the many things going on all at the same time and I am using too little of my brain. Can a person genuinely forget something that happens to them at some point in their lives? Perhaps so. If our mind can have a limited storage space like that of our memory card then it can't possibly store everything.

Weiwei's birthday

God's Timing :)

The merciless rain, I have always disliked the rain and these few days it has been raining cats and dogs. So, I am like "arghhh..." dun feel like getting out of the bed, dun feel like getting out of the house haha. I feel handicapped, in a way. I fell again on my way to work. It often happens to me on a rainy day, with slippery paths... :( It was not so bad a fall though, I guess I am pretty good in my balance afterall, considering I am holding an umbrella on one hand haha... Despite all that, I look forward to the day. Happy thoughts filling me :) I guess God has His timing and even though I am not able to see things clearly, He has a plan and purpose for me. I believe He will make all things beautiful in His timing.

Yesterday I felt really encouraged at TFSC. My client called and told me that he has taken on my advice and went to 2 old folks home to interview the elderly. I was super encouraged to say the least because I did not expect him to do that. Guess I was wrong, very wrong indeed. Something is working there, right inside of him and my supervisor affirmed that we must know when to challenge the client. Reminds me of truth-telling shared by Pastor Jeff. Truth with love, a potent combination for discipleship. Another encouraging moment was when a mother and son told me that they feel the session helps them a lot in understanding about their family and before the boy left, he turned around and said to me, "Jasmine, it was nice talking to you." wow, it melts my heart, makes it all worthwhile. *beams. Times like this reminds me that this is God's calling for me and that I am fitted for the job. My emotional tank was filled.

I had a good supervision session, look forward to meeting Trac for lunch and night out with wei and June at Marina bay sands.

In His time

The tiredness is seeping in once again and while today prove to be a calmer day at work, with my boss being in a good mood, I am still experiencing the subtle sian-sation. The thought of the sessions to come and the many other things just weighs my body down. I wish to have a break too, to be freed from the countless activity. A wish remains a wish and the time will come when the time comes. I want to be bubbly too, to have the can-do spirit and the spontaneity, the energy and go with the flow. But I need to keep pushing, to keep slogging and to keep going till that time comes. In His time, all things will be made beautiful. Father, I just wish simply for opportunities along the way to stop and smell the roses so that the journey aint that bad, so that I can take a breather and move on with renewed strength.

One session tonight and 8 more to go for the rest of the week.

Arghhhh......

I will live for you

I will live to love you
I will live to bring you praise
I will live a child in awe of you

It's been a while since I have said these words to God. The reason for living, it has slowly became something else. For myself, for others but God seems to be fading into the back scene. I need to get back this relationship again...

Healthy Church Part One

" If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honoured, every part rejoices with it" (1 Corinthians 12:26)

"Paul clearly points out that when we as followers of Jesus become spiritually intimate with one another, it is as if our souls grow together and we begin to share spiritual nerve endings. If something happens to you, I can't help but be affected by it. We are connected soul to soul. In the same way a twisted ankle affects every other part of a human body, the hurt a church member feels touches everyone else in that community. In a healthy- functioning community of Jesus followers, people are deeply connected to one another, and when something happens, good or bad, the instinctive response is to rally around one another."

(Excerpt from Second guessing God: hanging on when you can't see his plan by Brian Jones)

Plus and Minus

Yesterday my couple did not turn up for the session. They are ending up in divorce. That's number 4 for me. I do hope that the next one will have a better ending. Maybe then I will be able to say that one in every 5 couples who comes for marital counseling does not end up in divorce. Well, at least that's for me.

Pluses and minuses, this is what life is about. You gain some, you lose some...the process goes on. I thank God for my client who gave me bad rating last session, come back with a renewed hope in him and good news of a job interview after waiting for 4 months. Such things keeps me going. I was glad that I passed him that book instead of thinking that it won't matter since he appeared to be resistant. I was touched at the end when he told me that he will come back for sessions with me after he gets his job because work is just work. Once again, it's the light at the end of the tunnel.

There was another client, a child who asks me what is the magical word I said to him. Honestly, I could not remember myself saying that I would give him a magic word. He was persistent and kept asking. Well, I tried but I just cannot remember it.

I guess everyone is looking for a little magic in their situation, no matter how bad it seems. Waiting for a miracle to happen which will set things right.

God, can you create a miracle in all our lives? We need you.

What The Dog Saw

"What is the first thing that we want to know when we meet someone who is a doctor at a social occasion? It isn't "What do you do?" We know, sort of, what a doctor does. Instead, we want to know what it feels like to be a doctor, because we are quite sure that it doesn't feel at all like what it means to sit at a computer all day long, or teach school, or sell cars. Such questions are not dumb or obvious. Curiosity about the interior life of other people's day-to-day work is one of the most fundamental of human impulses... "
(excerpt from What The Dog Saw and other adventures by Malcolm Gladwell)

He went on to share that he diliberately went through a spiral dive in an  airplane to understand what Kennedy experiences in a plane crash... to know what may possibly go on inside his head as he went through that.

Creation of an experience in order to understand better what another person may be thinking, that is something that hit a chord in my heart. Probably there is this desire to do that every now and then in each of us, especially when we hear of something and we want to go beyond the knowing.  I know that it is painful to sprain my neck but do I really feel it? maybe not if I have never sprained my neck. Not that I have to construct that in order to know. That will be really silly I guess. What I gather is that no matter what experience someone goes through, we need to take it seriously and not make light of the situation. To be really able to identify with people different from us (we share different experiences in life) is to see them with the eyes of God because God truly knows each of us, deeply and intimately. He knows the number of hair on our head and what we need even before we bring it up to Him. Only He can fully understand and only He can fully identify and only He can fully give the comfort needed.

The same boat

I feel like I have never stopped working. It goes on and on and on again. Thinking about tmr brings a chill to my heart, 6 sessions back to back again. Plus the work I need to do at work. I just needed to stop cos I know continuing will not br productive. It's more important to keep my sanity for the week than to try to meet the deadlines.

I said "Whoo" and my colleague said "what?"

I replied, "No, I feel like dying" and he erupts into laughter.

Only the people in the same boat understands the joke and I am glad I am not alone.Now, I am just putting my brain aside and go back for a nice meal and good rest. Let the world keep running, I am tired. I need a break.

I am a social worker and I am proud of it

We had a case study at WFL today and it's an example of a CL who is a social worker who has two 'highly qualified' people in her team who are 1) a lawyer and 2) a senior accountant... They have different viewpoints and the CL had to meet them up separately to mediate with them.

One of the guys said that the CL may have to deal with her self-esteem issues cos she is a social worker. I replied, " I am a social worker". He said, "No offense". What he said is not as offensive as how he feels. I replied that my self-esteem is not that low.

I am proud of my profession and just because it pays lower than the general profession in the society doesn't make it any lesser. I made the choice and it's my passion so it does not make me any lesser than a lawyer or an accountant. My self-esteem comes from my job in fact because I do feel that I am helping the downtrodden in the society to get their feet on the ground. I am also proud of my other colleagues in this field who are choosing to be underpaid in order to serve a grp of pple the pple in the society has forgotten. I have my opinions, viewpoints as much as any other person and I do believe I have a right to be heard. Social worker or not.

Finally, I love my job and I esteem it...and how many can say that with true conviction?

Wondering

After going through what happens after the masters, I am wondering many things...

When will the promotion take place?

Am I happy with the new job scope that comes with the promotion? Is it something that I can do in other places or learn even more elsewhere?

Do I want to give another 2 and a half years here?

My boss spoke to me about her daughter who is also in the social service sector, who is 26 years old (about my age) and she asked her to explore because she is still young.

Maybe it's time for me to do the same as well :) I never regret the process nor the decision but a key decision may determine what is to come in the next stage of my life but I know I have to think very carefully because I tend to act on my decisions quickly after I m convicted but sometimes, even when one is fully convicted, it doesn't mean it's definitely the best decision. Yup, perhaps I shld speak to the rite people...

The 6th Lap

As I looked at her face turned from smiles into tears, I find myself staring at her face. Not sure why but I just felt very drawn to it, the pain I can see clearly on her face which tells me what is going through inside of her. I wonder why I viewed her as though she was a piece of art, as though each expression tells a story. I wonder how she will feel if she knows what is going through me as I look at her. It was an unexpected outburst of tears, totally unexpected. Now I begin to understand why my trainer says that the client often shares what is closest to their heart at the last 10 minutes, almost testing us if we will be willing to spend another 30 minutes to listen to their story. Well, if time is not a limit, I can spend a day with her but experience tells me that a story nevers ends. The next client waiting acts as an alarm that time is up. Sometimes I wonder if the client is secretly relieved as they are allowed a chance to slip away and face the issue till the next session.

I have my fourth couple this week. When I say that, I mean when they come together as a couple. So far the others have not stayed for more than a session. One chose to discontinue, the other end in divorce, yet another only one of them came back. What a poor track record I have ;) Somehow I have a feeling that this couple will return next week as arranged. Something the wife said during the session struck me, and as I told weiwei, I was amazed. She was sharing what she likes about her husband ..."Other than ..., we can work very well together. We have common interests also. Everyone around us say that we are very compatible." I look at her with full sincerity and told her that it's an amazing quality as a couple.

To me, I see it as a rare quality because being able to work well together requires good teamwork, synergy, problem-solving skills, good communication, common goal etc... At least I am seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. Will this be a beautiful end as I walk through with them till the session ends? I certainly hope so.

Appraisal tmr morning :)

I can't...but I can...

“你很有本事 hor﹐你這麼年輕..."

It was the first time I felt happy to be known as young :)

Though I am not that young anymore... I love the video below