What happens after the 1st impression matters more

A few days back, at Wfl, this guy said that he wanted to write a book in order to 'make it' as it is a trade secret. To me, it's kind of sad to use such ways to convince cos that's not the real stuff at all. The real stuff is what makes another's heart skip a beat even without trying at all. Simply put, it speaks for itself. Trying to fake happiness and shutting down the 'voice' does not mean that it it is not there. Hasn't he heard about the pink elephant theory? Well, at least one thing I do agree which is to focus on the blessings and be grateful daily. Now that's biblical. Cos we human beings are so forgetful, it takes God to remind us that we are saved already . While it may be scientifically proven that it takes 21 days to create a habit, I do not agree that we should be doing something for the sake of it. To me, 21 days or not, the motivation has to come from within. If that is something which u really believe in, you will want to do it albeit with reminders on and off ( we are human after all and the flesh is weak) but not to force ourselves to make it a habit. Well, maybe I am biased but such superficial ways of building first impressions irks me... Cos next time when I see him, I will wonder what is behind that bright sunny smile of his... Is it one which radiates from the heart or just a means to get his end met. I know I will never be sure. I guess I still prefer the old fashion way of stumbling through a few hiccups and misunderstandings but eventually being known for we I am, a point when selling is no longer a concern because I know that I am simply loved fir who I am. Not that perfect smile, perfect posture, perfect speech, perfect voice or perfect way of pronoucing 'teeth' with the th. After all is said and done, first impression can only get you that far because as time gird by, it is your character which people are going to rely on to decide if they want to use ad their staff, if they want to be your friend, if they are going to trust you. Definitely not that plastic. Cos it's going to melt when the heat comes on.

It is finished :)

Thank you God... I know I could never do it on my own. It was definitely you putting words into my mouth and gave me peace to deliver with calm and conviction. Two things you spoke, one on transformation and the other which is to live by faith instead of fear. Indeed what a big difference it makes. I want to do that which requires me to do what I naturally will be fearful of and exclaim to Him, 'It can only be you God'. Trandformation, not by human standards but according to God's plan and purpose. One that cannot fit a certain mould but individually planned out for me. Jiayan- sized. To be used by Him is simply to lift up my hands and wait... :)

Anticipation, excitement n assurance :)

It is finished.

A tough season

The sermon yesterday that it is not about working hard for the law but rather living s life of obedience... It's true that a rushed life is not what God meant by living life to the full but rather it is reflected in a life of obedience to Him... Tough because popular culture has told us otherwise. It has told us that we need to work hard for a better future. The beautiful house , the car, an early retirement, the promotion ... But I start to be reminded and humbled that the importance things in life cannot be achieved by hard work alone. Not long ago I said to the dmm that it is important to work smart than work hard.. True but certain things I realized it's more than that. Not about getting it faster nor rushing it but rather seeing it as a process, enjoying it and eventually reaping thr fruits of waiting. Easier said than done cos the process of waiting, moulding, dudcovering is a real tough one . You think u kinda get it and the next moment u dun and it leaves u feeling real disillusioned and back to point zero ( emotionally). It's tempting to skip the process , it is tempting to simplify things and sweep things under the carpet, it's easy to take the easy way out but has anything great come out of taking the easy way out? Tears and sweat involved. Perhaps these are but necessary ingredients of an eventually sustaining and fulfilling relationship.

Still learning... Chia jiayan, you can do it　

Depleting

Beyond words ... I felt that something in me has died, leaving only a wounding heart crying out to be healed by God alone. Romans 8:28... God has the best plan for me, something that I am struggling to hold on and believe in. Who says that it is easy to live out God's truth in our lives? The person who says that must be believing in a lie. Even Jesus himself prayed for God to take the cup from him.

Is this the thorn of flesh as prophecies over me? Am I destined to walk the narrow gate as Michael prayed for me. Probably this is a period of pruning and moulding. An emotional tug of war.

Life to the full - why do I feel like it's the other way round over and over again? The truth hurts. It cuts to the heart. Mayb I m not strong enough to handle this, I m jus a mere human w real emotions. Mayb it's time to surrender ...

The heart Is willing but the flesh is weak

I want to be more like Jesus until the end of time...

Tonight I am reminded of a prayer made sometime back but why is it so difficult now?

My resolution for 2011 1#

Collected my race pack today, feeling a little apprehensive cos I haven been running...I told Chris that he has to put on a smile when he runs pass the finishing line cos there will be hidden cameras ... I remember fondly the time June and I ran across the line together at the exact timing and same posture :) also the time when there was a lady who fainted after the run and I happened to be around...I rem I just took my first aid course that time and I was being taught that they have to take out tight things on their bodies and I asked her to take out her ring haha....thkfully she din think I was trying to be funny.

I do look forward and I want to go climb Mount Kinabalu next year...the breathtaking sights. Will that happen? :) Below are some pictures I took frm my friend's facebook..well, if the pictures are already so beautiful, I can't imagine how much more beautiful it will be up there! Clarence and JT say they are on as well, so long as she is not pregnant by den...Clarence even say he will bring an oxygen tank jus in case..so sweet....

2011 - the year of anticipation :)

Over lunch today, Rach said that when she and GH told another sister, Xiuqin that I am their CL, Xiuqin was very excited and said she knws I am attached recently..well, all I can say is that the church is really small and news spread really far and fast. I mean I barely spoke to her twice in church...and Rach says everyone at the table knows...and I dun even know a couple of them to begin with... it's almost like every week, I'll have someone coming up to me to ask abt my r/s and abt ZY, like KC who came over today JUS to ask me why ZY never come...and Joel who msged me yest to ask me when he is coming back...

Am I his official secretary now? hmmm...he has to start paying me salary :P

Love is not taught, it is felt :)

I have been wearing specs to work cos my eyes is red... the children are very cute. In the beginning, they say I look very nerd. This boy keeps disturbing me and say, "Nerd" with a gui2 lian3. haha, I can't help but laugh...cos he is very cute. Many of the girls were very sweet, keep coming up to me, stare at me through my specs and said, "Jie, you ok? Is your eyes painful?" Yup, I feel touched. Another asked me, "You ok? you look sad..." I love these children becos they are really very sensitive to the needs of others. Prob it has got to do with their upbringing, they have learnt to be very aware of their parent's mood swings, the occasional violence and sudden outbursts, nothing new to them. Yes, they have learnt to be streetsmart and along the way, they grown up way faster than they actually are. Yet remains in every of this little hearts is a heart that truly cares, a pure heart that truly loves becos they know better than the other children their age what it means to go through a loss or multiple losses and they learn to cherish, they learn to treasure.

I am very proud of my kids. This year most of them have improved in their studies. My fav boy pass me a medal for best progress and I placed it at the top of my shelf. Today there was a sweet moment, a moment my heart just felt drawn towards him. Sometimes in the busyness of my wrk, I dun even recognise myself cos I get impatient and blast at pple who disturb me. But today as I was busy typing away an email reply, my fav came in wanting to call his mother. I shouted at him for disturbing me which usually I will not cos I've a soft spot for him especially. He just sat at the chair while I continued with my work and I realised that he is very quiet and when I turned away, he was sleeping away. Right there on my chair. LOL. I find it quite funny and even cute :) Prob cos I myself is a light sleeper, I can never do that.

It makes me feel like he really trust me and feel comfortable in my presence, and that it doesn't matter I was too busy to attend to him and even when I scolded him, he just wanted to be there with me. I wanted to take a pic of him but had no camera haha. Children are very amazing, they reflect us when we put down our pride and reveal our need for love. He stayed there becos he loves me and wanted to spend time w me, he offers me sweet each time he sees me, he ask me qns abt me like a million time at one go and he holds my hand when we are down to the dining hall and he helps me take my things when we go for session. I am reminded again why I am here :)

I miss you ...

It feels good to be teeny weeny me :)

Yesterday wei asked me whether I look forward to the Korea trip...I think I must have looked a little blank, not sure how to answer but I managed to reply, "Hmm..ok lor...I can't look forward to something that is not certain." (Pause) "Hmm... you know right?" She nodded. I guess I am more of someone who lives in the moment more than for the moment. Yes, I will countdown, I will imagine the possibilities but somehow it stops short when reality sets in and I am certainly not one who drowns myself in the fantasies nor idealistic world so much so that I lose sight of things...

While I like to believe that I am a dreamer, I am very predictable as well. I like to be in a place I know exactly what to do next. It sounds strange but it's kinda true. It makes me feel like I will save time when I know what is expected of me... ok..maybe I am talking about work. At the same time, I am a dreamer and I hope for what is greater than myself and everything else, I love the idea of being immerse in something bigger and feel teeny weeny, like basking in the beauty of nature and simply be in awe. That's like pure bliss.

I know there are pple who wait and wait for that time to come and sometimes, when it comes, they just feel empty and what they imagine falls flat. Disillusion? Perhaps? For me, I don't feel so excited before the actual event happens till it becomes very real to me and when it does happen, it always never fails to amzed me and I will be like..yup, this is how I imagined it to be or rather, yup, this...this is what I wanted it to be :) Maybe I am exaggerating, maybe it doesn't happen all the time to me but when it happens each time, I will be like .... yup, this is it.

I thank God for His blessings at work... compliment from my boss today. More smiles from her recently... I thk God for my colleague who arranged for her niece to help me get my iphone 4. I have tried 3 times but to no avail, each time they are all swiped out before 11am. The iphone4 craze still unending...but thks to him, it will be delievered to my hse this Sat. I also thk God for the catching-up with old friends these few weeks, somehow God just created opportunites for it to happen. Everything just fall into place nicely.

One more week before December comes. My favourite month of the year always cos it comes in a package - bonus, my birthday, Christmas and countdown. What more can I ask... My heart tells me that next year will be a good one. New milestones, new changes, new beginnings, new ventures...

2 years and going strong...

Happy two years anniversary to this blog! :)

Teach me how to love

Dear God,

I pray that you teach me how to love. I have forgotten when  was the last time I sang the song, "break my heart for what break yours" and meant it as a cry from my heart. If ever my heart grows cold, I pray that you will remind me that You are love.

2 Corinthians 13:1-8.

I repent and surrender...

The ice princess has melted

I just came back from a wedding... though not my wedding, I received many congratulations from pple who have seen me since my uni days and with big smiles saying, "I am happy for you!"

It started when Jiadai said to me, "You look like a happy single" and I told her, "I am attached" with a straight face. She thought that I was joking with her and didn't believe me. After that, she told Claramae and Claramae did not believe either. Was really quite embarrasing cos the whole table turned their focus to me cos Jiadai was speaking so loudly and Jan said, "The ice princess has finally melt." The rest all agreed and say that they never thought I will get attached.

I was embarrased. Yes, very indeed. Not because they knew I was attached but because I HAD TO EXPLAIN why I was attached. It's like... such an awkward moment when they asked me why. Seriously I dunno how to answer...then I said, "I have changed since you knew me from last time. I am open to relationship all along" and their faces were still indisbelief. Finally, in desperation, I said, " I desire a relationship". Then, silence followed.

Since the beginning of the wedding, there were pple coming up to me to talk to me just to ask me about this as they have a heard a 'rumour' and wanted to verify and pple coming to the table just to say, "I come here to kapoh cos I heard something...". or "why u never tell me?" and "You should be happy for her, we all are." This coming from Robert. ok, I dun even know that he knows.

Well...maybe the ice princess has really melted. I am just an ordinary girl who desires to be in a relationship with someone who loves me and whom I love.

A good read

My book finally came, 20 days earlier... I am so happy :)

Time for a good read :)

Our first retreat :)

Zhiyong and I had our first retreat last Friday on Deepavali :)

Though we were not able to go to ECP as planned during to the heavy rain that began in the morning, it was a good turn of plans to head to Kallang instead...On my journey to meet him, I prayed to God that He will give me a vision...3 things which I prayed for are for me to know my strengths and weaknesses, my dreams and expectations and to be grateful for the pple in my life. God reminded me the verse from John 10: 10 that he has come so that we may have life and have it to the full... how many times do we actually feel like we are living life to the full?

I enjoyed the conversation on our work and colleagues etc over a sumptuous meal. After that, the split where we each spend our individual time with God. I enjoyed the lovely scene of green and blue at waterfront and walking by the river... As I walked towards the grass, the sight of a butterfly resting on a flower which stands the highest amongst the other flowers. It remains on the flower for a long time and even after I rested on the grass and read, it was still there. As it started to drizzle, I decided to pluck the flower to keep as memory. I was surprised that even when I was pulling the flower, the butterfly continued to remain there unmoved, enjoying the flower.

This is the vision which God has given me, that in my relationship with Him, I need to enjoyed His presence deeply instead of just seeing it as a routine. I was reminded of the importance of putting Him as the highest. Indeed, as Matt 6:33 says, Seek first His kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well.

I thank God for the unhurried time spent with Zhiyong and hearing him share from the article written by Adrian about work, love and life. Working for passion and loving someone. He had a revelation from God on why He creates men in such a way that their minds can sometimes go into blank. It was good to spend the time sharing with each other and be reminded of some past memories. I look forward to more of such times together :)

One more day to our 5 months... so short but feels like a long time to me :)

I am a spagetti

There are so many things going through this little head of mine I feel it's going to burst anytime. As aptly described by the author of the book that men are like waffles and women like spagetti...yes, I do feel like a spagetti now :P I am pondering about friendship, work, relationship and my giftings.

It's true. Life does happen very quickly and sometimes, it feels like they are moving past you and other times, you feel like it just sweeps you away and before u know it, you are off with the waves. Tonight, zhiyong and I met up with marcus and yufen. This is the second couple we have met in these two weeks. As trac commented, we seems to be meeting a lot of couples recently but it's really not planned but just happened.

I thank God for these wonderful sisters who show me through their actions what it means to be a good support and companion to their other halfs. Trac who gave Jason a surprise, sending him to work and buying xmas presents for his colleagues and gg to m'sia to see the dentist. Wow. Now, that's really love in action :) I am proud of my best friend. As for Yufen, as I spoke to her, she told me tat initially she was not that into trekking and diving but cos marcus is very adventurous so she picked it up along the way. Also, she was willing to sacrifice her beloved dog for him cos he dislike animals. That's is really sweet to me :) I am sure there are many more as I meet and speak to them. Godly sisters whom I can learn from their lives how to love another more than themselves. I feel really small in comparison to them. No wonder the men are all ready with the ring even though the wedding may only take place 2 years later :P

The feeling of nostalgia came over me this week as I meet with friends who has known me for as long as I can remember. Pple I dun have to try being who I m not in frnt of. Conversation which flows when I met up with Trac and things that comes naturally and understood with the slightest explanation. I love the feeling of being understood without having to say much. Tonite too, with them... friends who know my 'pattern' and still acceptand appreciate me for who I am. What really, is the inner circle and how big can this circle get and how far can it go? I thk God for friends who keep me in their minds despite the busyness of life and the many life responsibilities they are undertaking. I thk God for friends who keep me in the loop of how things are getting along even when I fail to ask and show me unconditional concern even when I am preoccupied with my own stuff. I promise that I will be more faithful with these friendships God has blessed me with.

Lastly, my sweet spot. What really, is it? As more possiblilties opens up and more options come along, I find myself getting hazy... do I need to be very clear of the end goal before I continue? I know I have this tendency to get my footing right before running full steam ahead but this time, I am kinda stuck, in a way. It feels like standing at the crossroad once again. I have forgotten how to listen hard to God when things are going right. It has always been the other way round. I know that not all opportunities come from God so how am I to know?

Searching...

The sweetest 3 words

The sweetest 3 words: I love you

Was watching this variety show and this 65 year-old lady was performing a song. After that, they invited the husband who is in his 70s to come on stage to join her. Both looking a little awkward and not too expressive. The host asked the wife what she would like to say to her husband.

She said, " So many years we are together...it has always been me who says that "I love you" but now, can you say the same to me?" He ,then, looking a little embarrassed and half looking at her said that he loves her that that he will want to be together with her in their next life. Even that, she had to prompt him.

I find it quite interesting that sometimes a couple become so familiar to each other that expressing their love becomes such a rare thing to do, so much so that they become like 2 robots when relating with each other. I hope for a love that remains passionate and warm till the very end, to my old age. I wish for love that feels like love even when the stresses in life sets in and threaten to take it away. I desire for a love that grows deeper and sweeter and richer as time goes by instead of the other way round. I told ZY that I finds it sweet when I saw an old man holding his wife's (an old lady) hand in the train when she is sleeping and he was holding her hand tightly, like as though they are still newly-weds.

Can we make it till the end?

Friendships in church

"If you can’t hold a relationship together without a small group, it might not have been all that significant of a relationship." - Brian

"Small groups need a simple mission. Too often small-group “theory” dictates that groups should be constantly multiplying. These strategies often place too much pressure on an average leader to be a “church strategist” instead of a relationship builder. We help small group leaders relax and use their natural desire to serve in ways that help their group grow closer.

When John and Mary walk in the front door of a small group, they’re hoping that someone will be there who will greet them warmly, love them for who they are, pray for their challenges, encourage their growth in Christ, and praise their answered prayers. The last thing they want is those friends they are starting to trust—those people who they now feel ready to open up with—suddenly say, “OK, it was fun knowing you. Let’s all pray about the new small groups we are going to start!” Life on life takes time. One piece of iron doesn’t sharpen another piece of iron with one brush against it. Iron on iron has to happen many times in order for both to be sharpened."

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