Roller-coaster ride

Around ten years ago, when I was doing outdoor sales during the school holidays, my manager once commented that I am like a roller-coaster, sometimes doing very well, sometimes doing badly. It hurt me and I remember thinking to myself that sales is like that, it will not always go well but why is it that some of my colleagues just keep doing well again and again? Week after week, day after day? It got me pretty discouraged and I thought that I could never be a leader. I had appealed to be a leader but was rejected cos I was not consistent in reaching my sales target.

Eventually, my sales picked up and I got more stable and became a leader but somehow, the feeling was no longer the same. It was like something which I wanted badly but not so anymore. More or less, the desire has gradually fizzled through the phase of self-doubt and disappointment. Upon reflection, it was me wanting to chase after something everyone else was moving towards. The lure was great, nobody likes to get left behind, nobody likes to be last. Though I was not last, I was not the first few either. Being a "roller-coaster" teen at that time, the delay in promotion did present as a very dampening experience for me. While a roller-coaster ride has its thrills, especially at the high points, the sudden plunge to a much lower point can leave us feeling like our heart is going to drop. Then it goes on and on.

For me, the question is how to keep the 'high points' feelings and yet keep the 'low points' feelings manageable. I guess it's impossibe to keep to a linear curve when it comes to emotions but perhaps a less fluctuating one. To me, it has to start with believing in your own dream, not somebody else's dream but the dream that God has given you personally. It's never sustaining, to be a carbon copy of another. It's your dream and you own it, taking responsibility for it. The motivation towards achieving a dream instead of fitting into a culture will eventually bring reality and idealism to meet at the same point. At least that's what I believe.

Signs of emotional attachment

How to know that your client is emotionally attached to you is when:

(1) They start coming for sessions at least 15 minutes early each time

(2) They subtly ask what your age is and other personal details

(3) They start blabbering when they fix the next appointment with you

(4) They make a special note to keep thanking you for helping them at the end of the session

(5) They agree with everything you said and do not mind even if you don't know what they are saying

(6) They continue to linger on and on when the session has ended

(7) They take out the money to want to pay you even before they leave the room

(8) They ask you to help them with the ratings on the feedback form

(9) They liken you to the person close to them who has hurt them

(10) They want to keep meeting you and speak of the goal vaguely. saying they are benefiting thus far

His faithfulness never fails

After many days of constantly checking the website for my assignment results (daily, hourly, minute-ly), it's finally up. The one which I dreaded receiving, the one which I find myself not understanding what I was writing, the one which I stayed up the whole night to do, the one which gave me the most headache, the first one of the year. Plainly put, the most cham one.

Well, thank God for a pretty good grade. One more point to distinction. I dun understand why it's always so close but never there. But I am feeling very elated because it was totally unexpected! I was still having a conversation with my boss yesterday and telling her candidly that I did not know what I was writing and I was afraid I might fail. She even asked me what will happen if I fail and I told her that I cannot fail because I cannot imagine doing the whole paper again and I re-emphasized, "I cannot fail." which follows with somewhat a look of shudder, I believe, as I spoke of it haha. She broke into laughter and said, "ok".

At least it looks like an essay, I often comfort myself after every essay I did which I did not feel satisfied about. It must be God, I am certain. It cannot happen if this is not His work in it. There are so many, "I would have" but He just banished all that with the outcome each and every time and assured me that the door was opened by Him. Only he can determine the outcome.

Yes, definitely. No doubts about it...

Explain yourself

The toughest thing on earth must be to explain yourself. Now I have found one more thing that drains me...Maybe I am someone who does not like to give excuses or say things in order to make myself look better, I just find that the words does not come out right each time. It's like, er..er.. and I find myself starting to get lost in my thoughts.

Perhaps it's the fear that others will not understand what is going through me or that they couldn't care less anyway. Or maybe it's the inner dialogue going on which hinders the process. Or probably that disorganised thinking is reflected in disorganised speech. I don't know, I just know that it's not easy. It's like anything I say may sound potentially wrong but yet, not to say anything does not make it right either.

Well, I guess when the rubber meets the road, that's when the reality sets in. Is it delay or denial? Sometimes, the line is as faint as it seems. Honesty has its risk and consequences, it's safer to hide in ignorance or isolation but a lack of dishonesty is choosing to live in a lie. At the end of the day, the tail will eventually catch up with the head. It's just a matter of time. But the feeling is still a heavy one, truth or not.

Being a Mary instead of Martha

Luke 10:39-48 (New Living Translation)


Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.”

But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”

April Fool

"Are you playing an april fools day trick on me?"

Haha..seriously I am baffled by the reply.

I thought April Fool's day trick is supposed to be played on April fool's day? :P

Well....

I love my job

It's pretty amazing how God protects me from a lashing by my boss...

I was waiting for it for the past two days but her reply to me today was far from a scolding. It was "_______ (my ex-colleague) use to give us her training commitments very early so there was no problem sloting in her request when the rostered is being prepared. Could you do this?" Well, at least it was presented as a request and no direct blame on me.

I was kind of relieved.

Yesterday, as I was reflecting on my job, I just told God, "God, I love my job". Indeed, thanks for placing me in this position of influence where I can be with people at their times of deep hurt. This was after I have counselled a lady in great distress.Today my colleague told me that I am able to speak well and make good sense as I present myself. And the many, many other things...

Thank God for yet another assurance that this is the path for me to go :)

Creepy crawling in...

Hate the rain that keeps pouring...

Why is the feeling of loss so great?

My neice and nephew

I will survive

It was a seriously tiring week and feels like March will take forever to end...

I made yet another mistake at work yesterday, I forgot that I was supposed to work last night. The first time in my 4 years here. It was a terrible feeling on top of me already feeling tired and weak and also taking in the effect of my boss's sms that she wants a statement from me today. I started writing to God in my journal:

Things threaten to crumble again and I am like this little girl trying to hold it up on my own with my weak and feeble arms. Not much, I know.

The the next moment came an sms from the most unexpected person at home. He is a 20 year-old houseparent from Myanmar and has worked in the Home for a few months. This is the first time he sent an sms of encouragement to us:

" Sometimes you have to fall from the mountain to realise what you are climbing for...obstacles are placed in your wayto see if what we want is really worth fighting for...from every wound there's a scar, and every scar tells a story..a story that says, "I was deeply wounded but I survived"... ;)"

I was SUPER encouraged to say the least. I thanked him and he replied, " Welcome jie, nothing to do now thats why im forwarding some quotations to everyone. god bless"

I sure hope he often has nothing to do haha...God uses such an unexpected person to send a very timely encouragement. he is indeed the only one who knows our deepest needs and will meet them. Though the situation has not changed but knowing that He is present is good enough for me. I will be able to brave through it. I will survive!

長大了

This morning as I was walking to CSL, I saw a youth cleaning the soccer court. He looked so grown up and I realised at how time passes so quickly and that children grow up so fast! To think that a few years back I was still using sweets as a reward for him. Now he probably think it childish haha...

Yesterday at the traffic lights, I told Zhiyong that he looked like a student and he gave the classic reply that 他就是這樣的﹐不會 look old. Then Weiwei asked a profound question, " 你媽媽會不會覺得你長大了﹖”We were both stumped for a while...then wei said that her mother feels that she has grown up. I guess it will be an accomplishment for any parent to feel that way towards their children. As I look at the two of them, I think that they have grown as well.

I am really thankful to God for allowing me to serve together with this two committed brother and sister who faithfully give of their talents and resources to serve the CG.

Zhiyong is someone, the CG members and esp the sisters will known as a caring brother. He extends genuine friendship to them and shared to me before that he hopes to be a friend to each CG member and walk through life with them. I am also grateful for his heart to want to support me in CG through pastoring the pple and taking on responsibilities. His life draws people to the group such as Huiqi and other friends who have joined us :) With his bubbly personality, he also liven up the atmosphere in the CG and make the people feel at ease. Sometimes I feel that he is more senstive than the sisters combined in the CG ( haha, in a good way of course)

Weiwei is my sheep and my core team so she is a key person in my ministry :) I have to admit that I do not spend as much time with her now and yesterday, as we shared abt the past shepherding moments, it was like so long ago. She is a faithful person who will follow through with her duties excellently. I am thankful for her submissive spirit and her willingness to come out of her comfort zone, to connect with the sisters in the group (Pris, Shuling and Huiqi). I am also touched by the effort she puts in to bless the CG and it amazes me what she can do. It's often like wow. I thank her also for her friendship throughout the years,at times listening to me go on and on about my  牢騷 hee

Thanks for making serving a joy and not a burden :)

Um

Stayne - Knave of Hearts (Stayne sees Alice): And who is this lovely creature?

The Red Queen: Um,my new favourite
Stayne - Knave of Hearts (To Alice): What is your name?
The Red Queen: Um
Stayne - Knave of Hearts (To Alice): I believe your name has slipped the queens mind.
The Red Queen: Her name is Um, IDIOT!

great news

My good friend just shared a piece of very good news to me this morning and I am really happy for her :) Whoo hoo!!

Jiayou!

All things beautiful in His timing

I had my first couple counseling tonight with both husband and wife present. Thank God for the timely session after I had just completed the essay on engaging a couple in session. I thank God too for his grace that one of my clients could not turn up. I had actually forgotten that I was supposed to meet her and went back to sleep till the session at 7pm.

Before the placement, I asked God for clients who can come regularly for sessions as I would like to do some long-term work with them. I am indeed grateful that so far there are 4 such clients, one of which is a couple.

Somehow I just know that this is His will cos He always makes things right eventually...

I thought the third lap will be unbearable but He makes all things beautiful in His timing :)

Pris water bapt :)

Used to be Priscilla, now Raphella meaning God heals...Congrats! :)

(from left: Kim, Huiqi, me, Priscilla, Lennon, Wei, Zhiyong and Shuling, short of Chris)

Live for something bigger

Today is a weird day because the past two nights felt like no day and no night. I am trying to get my biological clock back again. Though I missed the deadline by a few hours (I finished it at 3am this morning), I was happy with what I have accomplished simply because I am glad with what I wrote. Not just a piece of crap paper I needed to write but one which I understand and think I have written well. The last assignment was truly crap when I felt I was quite clueless so the goal I set for myself this time round is to spend more time on the readings to understand them, not to exceed the deadline and to write well. I am finally out of the cave :P

It was a paper on working with couples. I don't have much experience in this area and is not even in a relationship but as I go through the readings, they gave me a lot of insights into couple relationships. Sometimes not having much of clue in something may actually be good cos you see it from a fresh perspective, like a detective trying to explore the truth. The drawback is probably the lack of ability to identify but well, it will come eventually I believe :)

It's funny that I was rejected by a client who comes with marital issues for counseling cos I am not married and she wants a person who is. My reaction: To whine and laugh about it with the rest. When I put down the phone, I said to the staff in the whole office, "I was rejected because I am not married." My supervisor looked at me and was shocked. Well, welcome to the real world Jiayan... I remembered I told Meiyan before many years back that I admired this particular person for having gone through certain experiences in her life as I felt that I will benefit much from them. She told me that I do not need to go through all that to be able to emphathise and identify with another. Indeed, God can give me the compassion, wisdom and insights.

The prophecy shared by Christine last Sunday resonated in my heart. It's not about chasing after the experiences, it's about knowing the truth in Christ. Devotion is about giving the heart to God. I realised that I have been missing my dates with God. The retreat I wanted to have monthly are not as appealing as it was previously. Pastor said that missing QT with God is like missing a date. I guess I have been doing that for some time cos my schedule is just so packed. The guilt sets in and I am like... time with God cannot be compromised.

Our lives is worthwhile only when we start living for something bigger than ourselves - Jiayan

How comfortable are we with ambivalence?

Every face tells of a story and every story is different from another. People often say 戲如人生, I couldn't agree more. Afterall, behind every good movie is a brilliant mind at work, the brilliance which comes from skilfully combining various day-to-day experiences, fantasies of the harrys and sallys. What better way to connect to the hearts of the street people than to portray their thoughts and lives on the big screen? Seemingly simple yet very difficult to do, to find the commonality in the different people yet being specific enough to touch the heart of the individual. Maybe that is why different movies appeal to different crowd :)

I like the predictability of the formula of each genre but I like better the twist or reality bites which comes at the end which often leaves me astounded in my seat. This is usually the part which makes the movie worth the money for me, rather than just the warm and fuzzy feeling I get at the end of a feel-good movie. The latter is definitely appealing but as I step out of the cinema, the reality sets in and the disparity between the two leaves me feeling almost disillusional. A feel-good movie just does not carry its effects that far for me.

To me, a movie which stimulates the mind at the end of it is exciting. I realised,however, that people do not like to be provoked or disturbed beyond their comfort level. The inability to form a conclusion or having the feeling of incompleteness leaves us with an unsettledness and discomfort. It feels like having knots in the stomach, not too troubling yet enough to bother us. The human response is simply not to entertain it or at least not long enough to make us insane. That's coping, the basic instincts of survival. If you do not understand something and is feeling stuck, move on.

"To truly live in the 'here and now' is a difficult and painful struggle, since having a realistic view of the world involves being conscious of our innumerable negative emotions as well as our positive ones...Living fully consciously in such a world can be considered as coping with ambivalence, and is a difficult task. "   

Should we ask why in our sufferings?

"Job did ask “Why?” questions and he is not condemned for doing so; but I don’t recall God directly answering Job’s “Why?” questions. Instead, the Lord redirected Job’s focus to Who God is. That, ultimately, is where we hope to settle our hearts: Be still and know that I am God.

Embedded in the Why? questions can be the seeds of unbelief or anger against God. God does not usually answer our why questions with the answers our flesh is demanding.

But he does give us abundant reasons to sustain our hope. And those reasons are usually a more direct answer to the Who, What, & How questions. In other words, “I gave you this thorn in the flesh to exalt my strength.” This tells me something about who God is, what God is doing in my life, and how God intends to use me for his glory..."
                         

Simple faith

I set the alarm to 6am this morning, wanting to do my assignment. Awake and while 我在賴床, it started to rain outside. Certaintly not a fan of rainy days, I dreaded to get out of the house. I was like arghh...it was a torturous moment. My willpower was defeated hands down, within a matter of minutes. I went back to bed and slept till it was time to go to work.

As I was travelling to work, I received an sms from Pris:

"Good morning jy! Its so amazing, last night I pray tt it will rain. Want to know that the universe is at His call, nt that I already nt knw. And it rained! So unusual in a mth like march! I'm amazed!!!"

Yes, I was amazed too and at the same time,reflected on my lack of faith in God. I have been relying upon my own strength and wisdom in doing my assignment and my attachment. All it requires is a simple prayer to God for Him to help me but that, I didn't even do. I even told Jinghe yesterday that by God's grace I have not pleaded for God to take away the thorn yet. What pride, to think that I do not need His help.

To need someone/ something is to be vulnerable as one is saying that he cannot live without the thing. We cannot live without air, food, shelter. More often than not, we choose to place God as a want, rather than a need. " I want your presence to be with me", "I want you to help me in this situation" instead of "I need You".

A simple 3 words that means a lot. Just like the cup needs to realise its need for the saucer.

Am I ready?

After a wonderful break, life seems to throw me back way too fast into the reality of my work-studies life. Apart from the sms sent by my boss on the mistake I have made, today the world threatens to crumble after I opened an email.

My course coordinator has sent me an email informing me that he had just approved my placement contract only and all the other counseling sessions I had done were all not counted. Talking about a testimony to thank God though I start late. This email really puts a heavy weight on my heart. How can this be when I had sent in the contract on 5th Feb before my trip.

Well...in my mind, I am just going to be prepared for 2 options. One is to pray that he will allow me to count the sessions, the other is that even if it doesn't happen, God will make a way out. No point crying over spilt milk. I can experience the tremors comings, the prophecy shared over me. It's coming. I got to be ready for the battlefield.

God, Please help me!

suffering - a dirty word?

It's the third lap (March) and the third week of internship. The number 3 seems to be a significant word for me at this point. Two prophecies were prayed over me at the leaders' meeting and both implies a kind of "suffering" that I am either going through or will go through in time to come.

A verse prayed over me:

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassing great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

(2 Corinthians 12:7-9)

While 'suffering' is not an unfamiliar theme to me, the knowledge that it will happen does bring some level of fear. How much suffering and to what intensity? I thank God for his grace and his love to encourage me in my weakness. It is not always easy to do what it is right. Many times I fail, I struggle and I want to give up. But God always sustains me and gives me a word at the most unexpected moment, through unexpected means. Or even change my thoughts and feelings about certain things.

Yesterday at the seminar, Shawn said that he has counselled 100 clients over the year and I just thought to myself, "I have 96 more to go!" It has nonetheless been an eye-opening experience for me so far, listening to real people share their struggles and also putting into practice how to help them overcome the struggles. I hope that this will add on to my bag of weapons so that it may be filled as I bring it to the field :)