Another lesson learnt - Love is courageous

Glad to be back here at my desk after three days at the course. Phonecalls after phonecalls and many things to attend to but I enjoy such a fast-paced environment at times, it keeps me motivated, keeps me going. Thank God for Ling who gave me a clip cos I said I was looking for it, a very timely and thoughtful gift :) I think God is good because I have made the decision to stop buying things which I want but does not need and here, she bless me with something I want ... She finally bought her iphone and now we can watsapps each other :)

I invited a number of friends for service this sunday but they are all busy, either got to OT or going to M'sia. At least this lets me know that this is what they do over the weekends, can organise something along that line next time ...

I WANT TO...
I want to rise above my circumstances and not let anything stop me from doing what I need to. I want to be emotionally, mentally and physically present in everything I do without just seeing it as a task to be ticked off from my to-do list. I want to make an effort to appreciate the people around me more, especially those who love me and whom I love. I want to treasure everything which I already possess and bring it to the maximum potential. I want to do what God has called me to do and not be 'over- responsible'. I want to go to bed every night and be glad for the day that has passed and wake up each morning looking forward to what is to come.

Tuesday was a emotionally charged day and it's been a while since I experienced such an array of intensive emotions bubbling in me, making me feel almost out of control. I lost myself to my emotions but also realised at the same time that a negative feeling can lead to something good. Perhaps it was God's gift of survival instinct at the right moment when it was much needed. The empowerment came from inside and not outside but after that, left me feeling so weak and I broke down physically. It takes a lot of strength to be angry, it's tested and proven. It's amazing that in the same night, I also allow my anger to lead to something bad, to reveal an ugliness in me which is capable of hurtful words when left unchecked.

Something inside which blamed, questioned, doubted and criticised and yet, I was received with kind words. I recall the story which I read of the girl who was hiding from love and pushed people away from her and ran away from them. Somehow I felt like that girl and it had felt safer to handle everything on my own, something I have slowly grown accustomed to. Yet, something pulled me back, out of my defense mechanism and made me realised there is another person I can trust with my vulnerability. No wonder the bible says that we overcome evil with good. I was touched yet I was scared at the same time. It takes a lot of courage to be loved by another, knowing that all humans are imperfect and will at some point, disappoint you (whether intentionally or unintentionally). It takes a lot of courage to trust someone with your raw emotions, knowing that their lack of understanding will hurt you even further.

But it also takes a lot of courage to continue to love despite being pushed away, avoided and rejected.