Sunrise

God, I pray we can catch the sunrise tmr :)

Thanksgiving

This morning, I thank God for:

Giving me back my voice :)

Healing me of my ache and chest pain

Zy who reminded me to trust in God

Tracy who took time to plan for our trip

Huiqi who requested to thithe and serve in a ministry

Qiaoping who msg me to update about her life

My maid who make breadfast for me daily

The p6 outing today

The warm sunshine this morning

I can thank You again and again :)may your love drive off every single fear

It's the little things that counts

It was a night for them- the little ones ... As I see them standing on stage giving their best, I suddenly realized how much they have blossomed over the years, from playful little boys into young and attractive boys.. From little giggly girls to mature sweet and confident girls :) deep down in my heart I feel proud of them :) four years with this bunch and seeing how they grow to where they are now, sometimes I feel like a mother :) I feel closer to them than even their own family cos I see them everyday... Know all their needs and etc. Sometimes it pains my heart when I see them so sad that their family can't make it due to lessons or other things. One day they will understand that these are not just events but rather, are milestones in their lives signifying their growth and recording their proud moments. Moments which they will want to share with their closest :) even the time their teeth drop, times their first period came, times they did well for exams etc etc. Once missed, its no longer the same anymore cos the excitement of sharing it is gone and never the same again. Before they know it their little ones would have grown into young adults and no longer needing that affirmation, recognition and attention from them anymore. They have learnt through the years that asking, begging and yearning for it didn't make a difference but only led to disappointment but sadly that's when the love start pouring in becos their loved one have 'settled' their own issues and finally really ready to care fir them again. But sadly they have missed everything. All the important but seemingly insignificant moments to them which is what we call - the growing up process.

Love in action

Yesterday I received an 爱心bag at the security guard post. It's twice in a row for last week. I thank God for Zhiyong and wei who came down to deliver it to me. The fruits, herbal jelly and all, it really brought warmth to my heart:) I was reminded in jc days, we will often do such sweet things to one another. I rem one of my first few cg, there was a Sis who shared that 2 other bro in the cg (one of them still around: weilong)travel all the way to her house to give her the pork floss bun from bread talk because she really likes it. That time I was really amazed and was thinking 'wow, they are so nice' :)

And now I m experiencing this for myself. Thanks：）

It's a tough period for me now but I will make it through. Thanks for putting your love into action :)

An unexpected 'climax'

I am finally on mc today and thinking to myself , when will I ever learn? When will I ever learn not to let my stubbornness get into the way... I have been refusing to see the doctor for the past week, believing that drinking lotsa water, having lotsa rest and a strict diet will do wonders. Well.. Just because it happened a few times does not mean that it will again. Lesson learnt, like a slap on the face. Then the thought.. If I had gone earlier, I may be healed already. Another slap on the face and I am going to leave it as that. I have booked the tickets to Surabaya and yes it's confirmed. Initially I was checking non-stop on all the budget airlines and to my disappointment, I have to take a transit flight cos the direct flights back are all fully booked. Morever, the cost is not cheap but thank God I managed to get direct flights from silkair at around the same price and pretty good timings. Somehow I feel that this trip is God's plan cos he provided a way out of my inadequate knowledge and inexperience. I believe he will bless the process to be a smooth one. My pride has taken a dive and it's time to keep it there till I understand what true submission is.

Less than a month to 2011...

Listen

Powerful song :)

In His timing

My cough is getting worse and I can't go for the run tmr... it's rather disappointing cos I have been going for the past two years without fail. Is this year going to be different? Though I have been drowning myself with water, controlling my diet strictly, not even tempted by the high tea sponsered.. the end result is still a bad cough, despite desperate efforts to prevent it from occuring. I guess some things when it has reached a certain point, no amount of preventive work is sufficient. Yes, I hate the feeling cos I am a strong believer that efforts will amount to success. I guess it's not going to work cos some things, no matter how much effort u put in.. if it has to happen, it has to. Just like my Korean trip ... But I do believe God has a purpose for this. Maybe he is moulding me to grow in the area of patience, of letting Him be in control. Not long ago, I made this prayer that I will not make things happen but rather, let it happen. It's a tough call for a person like me who always wants to see the results quickly and wanting to out my finger into 'helping' God. Yesterday I received the video which was sent by the 01 computer systems. I was impressed cos its very well done :) I thank God that an idea which birthed in June is seeing its fruition now, everything just as I planned according to the timeline. I admit I like the feeling of seeing my plans happen as I thought it would be. I derive a satisfaction from it :) However, this time I am prepared for it... I will obey. Surabaya, here we come :)

Rapunzel

Just watched Rapunzel with June. My favorite part of the show is this:

Rapunzel: I was scared... Now I am not scared

Eugene: I think I am starting to understand

Sweet :)

Getting my certificate tmr :)

A lovely gift washed away my blues

My trip is officially cancelled and yes, that means no more Korea, no more winter and no more skiing... Though I am taking it well, believing it must be God's plan or his protection due to the chaos there currently, I can't seem to stop the growing disapointment from setting in. It feels like the time when my application for masters was rejected. Not that I do not have my fair share of disappointments in life or that I am now wailing like a cry baby, it's just that I really wanted a well- deserved holiday after two years of slogging and giving up many opportunities.

Well ...

I thank God that he always cushion me before the fall and this time round there was no difference :) I thank God for friends whom i know with full certainty I can always count on on times of need :) Tracy and June. I was so surprised that tracy messages me yest morn and said that she left something at the guard post. The security guard even told her that if I dun collect it before 7pm, it will belong to him haha.

There, behind him, I saw my gift... A big plastic bag with a lovely sunflower, a big soft toy. It brought an immediate cheer to my heart. There was also a herbal tea, a panadol, medicated oil, a handwritten message. My heart wad warmed. I feel very blessed though it has Bern a lousy week, an emotional and dreadful one after a very long time. It was an encouragement for me ad trac wrote, "you may be down but you are not out", something I held on to for one whole year during jc days.

I look forward to tonight's meetup w June and next Monday w Tracy, friends who will always find tome to meet me if only I ask.. And also sun with Meiyan. Jiayou Jiayan!!!

Me time :)

Pondering on many things...

I look forward to my personal retreat this Saturday. I can feel the focus coming back again. Another night of personal time, I am enjoying it. Getting in touch with my inner self. And best of all, my best friends are finally back. Can't believe nov is already over, good times passes really quickly, sometimes leaves u feeling that u dunno what u have done. One more month to the new year!

I am 27:)

What happens after the 1st impression matters more

A few days back, at Wfl, this guy said that he wanted to write a book in order to 'make it' as it is a trade secret. To me, it's kind of sad to use such ways to convince cos that's not the real stuff at all. The real stuff is what makes another's heart skip a beat even without trying at all. Simply put, it speaks for itself. Trying to fake happiness and shutting down the 'voice' does not mean that it it is not there. Hasn't he heard about the pink elephant theory? Well, at least one thing I do agree which is to focus on the blessings and be grateful daily. Now that's biblical. Cos we human beings are so forgetful, it takes God to remind us that we are saved already . While it may be scientifically proven that it takes 21 days to create a habit, I do not agree that we should be doing something for the sake of it. To me, 21 days or not, the motivation has to come from within. If that is something which u really believe in, you will want to do it albeit with reminders on and off ( we are human after all and the flesh is weak) but not to force ourselves to make it a habit. Well, maybe I am biased but such superficial ways of building first impressions irks me... Cos next time when I see him, I will wonder what is behind that bright sunny smile of his... Is it one which radiates from the heart or just a means to get his end met. I know I will never be sure. I guess I still prefer the old fashion way of stumbling through a few hiccups and misunderstandings but eventually being known for we I am, a point when selling is no longer a concern because I know that I am simply loved fir who I am. Not that perfect smile, perfect posture, perfect speech, perfect voice or perfect way of pronoucing 'teeth' with the th. After all is said and done, first impression can only get you that far because as time gird by, it is your character which people are going to rely on to decide if they want to use ad their staff, if they want to be your friend, if they are going to trust you. Definitely not that plastic. Cos it's going to melt when the heat comes on.

It is finished :)

Thank you God... I know I could never do it on my own. It was definitely you putting words into my mouth and gave me peace to deliver with calm and conviction. Two things you spoke, one on transformation and the other which is to live by faith instead of fear. Indeed what a big difference it makes. I want to do that which requires me to do what I naturally will be fearful of and exclaim to Him, 'It can only be you God'. Trandformation, not by human standards but according to God's plan and purpose. One that cannot fit a certain mould but individually planned out for me. Jiayan- sized. To be used by Him is simply to lift up my hands and wait... :)

Anticipation, excitement n assurance :)

It is finished.

A tough season

The sermon yesterday that it is not about working hard for the law but rather living s life of obedience... It's true that a rushed life is not what God meant by living life to the full but rather it is reflected in a life of obedience to Him... Tough because popular culture has told us otherwise. It has told us that we need to work hard for a better future. The beautiful house , the car, an early retirement, the promotion ... But I start to be reminded and humbled that the importance things in life cannot be achieved by hard work alone. Not long ago I said to the dmm that it is important to work smart than work hard.. True but certain things I realized it's more than that. Not about getting it faster nor rushing it but rather seeing it as a process, enjoying it and eventually reaping thr fruits of waiting. Easier said than done cos the process of waiting, moulding, dudcovering is a real tough one . You think u kinda get it and the next moment u dun and it leaves u feeling real disillusioned and back to point zero ( emotionally). It's tempting to skip the process , it is tempting to simplify things and sweep things under the carpet, it's easy to take the easy way out but has anything great come out of taking the easy way out? Tears and sweat involved. Perhaps these are but necessary ingredients of an eventually sustaining and fulfilling relationship.

Still learning... Chia jiayan, you can do it　

Depleting

Beyond words ... I felt that something in me has died, leaving only a wounding heart crying out to be healed by God alone. Romans 8:28... God has the best plan for me, something that I am struggling to hold on and believe in. Who says that it is easy to live out God's truth in our lives? The person who says that must be believing in a lie. Even Jesus himself prayed for God to take the cup from him.

Is this the thorn of flesh as prophecies over me? Am I destined to walk the narrow gate as Michael prayed for me. Probably this is a period of pruning and moulding. An emotional tug of war.

Life to the full - why do I feel like it's the other way round over and over again? The truth hurts. It cuts to the heart. Mayb I m not strong enough to handle this, I m jus a mere human w real emotions. Mayb it's time to surrender ...

The heart Is willing but the flesh is weak

I want to be more like Jesus until the end of time...

Tonight I am reminded of a prayer made sometime back but why is it so difficult now?

My resolution for 2011 1#

Collected my race pack today, feeling a little apprehensive cos I haven been running...I told Chris that he has to put on a smile when he runs pass the finishing line cos there will be hidden cameras ... I remember fondly the time June and I ran across the line together at the exact timing and same posture :) also the time when there was a lady who fainted after the run and I happened to be around...I rem I just took my first aid course that time and I was being taught that they have to take out tight things on their bodies and I asked her to take out her ring haha....thkfully she din think I was trying to be funny.

I do look forward and I want to go climb Mount Kinabalu next year...the breathtaking sights. Will that happen? :) Below are some pictures I took frm my friend's facebook..well, if the pictures are already so beautiful, I can't imagine how much more beautiful it will be up there! Clarence and JT say they are on as well, so long as she is not pregnant by den...Clarence even say he will bring an oxygen tank jus in case..so sweet....

2011 - the year of anticipation :)

Over lunch today, Rach said that when she and GH told another sister, Xiuqin that I am their CL, Xiuqin was very excited and said she knws I am attached recently..well, all I can say is that the church is really small and news spread really far and fast. I mean I barely spoke to her twice in church...and Rach says everyone at the table knows...and I dun even know a couple of them to begin with... it's almost like every week, I'll have someone coming up to me to ask abt my r/s and abt ZY, like KC who came over today JUS to ask me why ZY never come...and Joel who msged me yest to ask me when he is coming back...

Am I his official secretary now? hmmm...he has to start paying me salary :P

Love is not taught, it is felt :)

I have been wearing specs to work cos my eyes is red... the children are very cute. In the beginning, they say I look very nerd. This boy keeps disturbing me and say, "Nerd" with a gui2 lian3. haha, I can't help but laugh...cos he is very cute. Many of the girls were very sweet, keep coming up to me, stare at me through my specs and said, "Jie, you ok? Is your eyes painful?" Yup, I feel touched. Another asked me, "You ok? you look sad..." I love these children becos they are really very sensitive to the needs of others. Prob it has got to do with their upbringing, they have learnt to be very aware of their parent's mood swings, the occasional violence and sudden outbursts, nothing new to them. Yes, they have learnt to be streetsmart and along the way, they grown up way faster than they actually are. Yet remains in every of this little hearts is a heart that truly cares, a pure heart that truly loves becos they know better than the other children their age what it means to go through a loss or multiple losses and they learn to cherish, they learn to treasure.

I am very proud of my kids. This year most of them have improved in their studies. My fav boy pass me a medal for best progress and I placed it at the top of my shelf. Today there was a sweet moment, a moment my heart just felt drawn towards him. Sometimes in the busyness of my wrk, I dun even recognise myself cos I get impatient and blast at pple who disturb me. But today as I was busy typing away an email reply, my fav came in wanting to call his mother. I shouted at him for disturbing me which usually I will not cos I've a soft spot for him especially. He just sat at the chair while I continued with my work and I realised that he is very quiet and when I turned away, he was sleeping away. Right there on my chair. LOL. I find it quite funny and even cute :) Prob cos I myself is a light sleeper, I can never do that.

It makes me feel like he really trust me and feel comfortable in my presence, and that it doesn't matter I was too busy to attend to him and even when I scolded him, he just wanted to be there with me. I wanted to take a pic of him but had no camera haha. Children are very amazing, they reflect us when we put down our pride and reveal our need for love. He stayed there becos he loves me and wanted to spend time w me, he offers me sweet each time he sees me, he ask me qns abt me like a million time at one go and he holds my hand when we are down to the dining hall and he helps me take my things when we go for session. I am reminded again why I am here :)

I miss you ...

It feels good to be teeny weeny me :)

Yesterday wei asked me whether I look forward to the Korea trip...I think I must have looked a little blank, not sure how to answer but I managed to reply, "Hmm..ok lor...I can't look forward to something that is not certain." (Pause) "Hmm... you know right?" She nodded. I guess I am more of someone who lives in the moment more than for the moment. Yes, I will countdown, I will imagine the possibilities but somehow it stops short when reality sets in and I am certainly not one who drowns myself in the fantasies nor idealistic world so much so that I lose sight of things...

While I like to believe that I am a dreamer, I am very predictable as well. I like to be in a place I know exactly what to do next. It sounds strange but it's kinda true. It makes me feel like I will save time when I know what is expected of me... ok..maybe I am talking about work. At the same time, I am a dreamer and I hope for what is greater than myself and everything else, I love the idea of being immerse in something bigger and feel teeny weeny, like basking in the beauty of nature and simply be in awe. That's like pure bliss.

I know there are pple who wait and wait for that time to come and sometimes, when it comes, they just feel empty and what they imagine falls flat. Disillusion? Perhaps? For me, I don't feel so excited before the actual event happens till it becomes very real to me and when it does happen, it always never fails to amzed me and I will be like..yup, this is how I imagined it to be or rather, yup, this...this is what I wanted it to be :) Maybe I am exaggerating, maybe it doesn't happen all the time to me but when it happens each time, I will be like .... yup, this is it.

I thank God for His blessings at work... compliment from my boss today. More smiles from her recently... I thk God for my colleague who arranged for her niece to help me get my iphone 4. I have tried 3 times but to no avail, each time they are all swiped out before 11am. The iphone4 craze still unending...but thks to him, it will be delievered to my hse this Sat. I also thk God for the catching-up with old friends these few weeks, somehow God just created opportunites for it to happen. Everything just fall into place nicely.

One more week before December comes. My favourite month of the year always cos it comes in a package - bonus, my birthday, Christmas and countdown. What more can I ask... My heart tells me that next year will be a good one. New milestones, new changes, new beginnings, new ventures...

2 years and going strong...

Happy two years anniversary to this blog! :)

Teach me how to love

Dear God,

I pray that you teach me how to love. I have forgotten when  was the last time I sang the song, "break my heart for what break yours" and meant it as a cry from my heart. If ever my heart grows cold, I pray that you will remind me that You are love.

2 Corinthians 13:1-8.

I repent and surrender...

The ice princess has melted

I just came back from a wedding... though not my wedding, I received many congratulations from pple who have seen me since my uni days and with big smiles saying, "I am happy for you!"

It started when Jiadai said to me, "You look like a happy single" and I told her, "I am attached" with a straight face. She thought that I was joking with her and didn't believe me. After that, she told Claramae and Claramae did not believe either. Was really quite embarrasing cos the whole table turned their focus to me cos Jiadai was speaking so loudly and Jan said, "The ice princess has finally melt." The rest all agreed and say that they never thought I will get attached.

I was embarrased. Yes, very indeed. Not because they knew I was attached but because I HAD TO EXPLAIN why I was attached. It's like... such an awkward moment when they asked me why. Seriously I dunno how to answer...then I said, "I have changed since you knew me from last time. I am open to relationship all along" and their faces were still indisbelief. Finally, in desperation, I said, " I desire a relationship". Then, silence followed.

Since the beginning of the wedding, there were pple coming up to me to talk to me just to ask me about this as they have a heard a 'rumour' and wanted to verify and pple coming to the table just to say, "I come here to kapoh cos I heard something...". or "why u never tell me?" and "You should be happy for her, we all are." This coming from Robert. ok, I dun even know that he knows.

Well...maybe the ice princess has really melted. I am just an ordinary girl who desires to be in a relationship with someone who loves me and whom I love.

A good read

My book finally came, 20 days earlier... I am so happy :)

Time for a good read :)

Our first retreat :)

Zhiyong and I had our first retreat last Friday on Deepavali :)

Though we were not able to go to ECP as planned during to the heavy rain that began in the morning, it was a good turn of plans to head to Kallang instead...On my journey to meet him, I prayed to God that He will give me a vision...3 things which I prayed for are for me to know my strengths and weaknesses, my dreams and expectations and to be grateful for the pple in my life. God reminded me the verse from John 10: 10 that he has come so that we may have life and have it to the full... how many times do we actually feel like we are living life to the full?

I enjoyed the conversation on our work and colleagues etc over a sumptuous meal. After that, the split where we each spend our individual time with God. I enjoyed the lovely scene of green and blue at waterfront and walking by the river... As I walked towards the grass, the sight of a butterfly resting on a flower which stands the highest amongst the other flowers. It remains on the flower for a long time and even after I rested on the grass and read, it was still there. As it started to drizzle, I decided to pluck the flower to keep as memory. I was surprised that even when I was pulling the flower, the butterfly continued to remain there unmoved, enjoying the flower.

This is the vision which God has given me, that in my relationship with Him, I need to enjoyed His presence deeply instead of just seeing it as a routine. I was reminded of the importance of putting Him as the highest. Indeed, as Matt 6:33 says, Seek first His kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well.

I thank God for the unhurried time spent with Zhiyong and hearing him share from the article written by Adrian about work, love and life. Working for passion and loving someone. He had a revelation from God on why He creates men in such a way that their minds can sometimes go into blank. It was good to spend the time sharing with each other and be reminded of some past memories. I look forward to more of such times together :)

One more day to our 5 months... so short but feels like a long time to me :)

I am a spagetti

There are so many things going through this little head of mine I feel it's going to burst anytime. As aptly described by the author of the book that men are like waffles and women like spagetti...yes, I do feel like a spagetti now :P I am pondering about friendship, work, relationship and my giftings.

It's true. Life does happen very quickly and sometimes, it feels like they are moving past you and other times, you feel like it just sweeps you away and before u know it, you are off with the waves. Tonight, zhiyong and I met up with marcus and yufen. This is the second couple we have met in these two weeks. As trac commented, we seems to be meeting a lot of couples recently but it's really not planned but just happened.

I thank God for these wonderful sisters who show me through their actions what it means to be a good support and companion to their other halfs. Trac who gave Jason a surprise, sending him to work and buying xmas presents for his colleagues and gg to m'sia to see the dentist. Wow. Now, that's really love in action :) I am proud of my best friend. As for Yufen, as I spoke to her, she told me tat initially she was not that into trekking and diving but cos marcus is very adventurous so she picked it up along the way. Also, she was willing to sacrifice her beloved dog for him cos he dislike animals. That's is really sweet to me :) I am sure there are many more as I meet and speak to them. Godly sisters whom I can learn from their lives how to love another more than themselves. I feel really small in comparison to them. No wonder the men are all ready with the ring even though the wedding may only take place 2 years later :P

The feeling of nostalgia came over me this week as I meet with friends who has known me for as long as I can remember. Pple I dun have to try being who I m not in frnt of. Conversation which flows when I met up with Trac and things that comes naturally and understood with the slightest explanation. I love the feeling of being understood without having to say much. Tonite too, with them... friends who know my 'pattern' and still acceptand appreciate me for who I am. What really, is the inner circle and how big can this circle get and how far can it go? I thk God for friends who keep me in their minds despite the busyness of life and the many life responsibilities they are undertaking. I thk God for friends who keep me in the loop of how things are getting along even when I fail to ask and show me unconditional concern even when I am preoccupied with my own stuff. I promise that I will be more faithful with these friendships God has blessed me with.

Lastly, my sweet spot. What really, is it? As more possiblilties opens up and more options come along, I find myself getting hazy... do I need to be very clear of the end goal before I continue? I know I have this tendency to get my footing right before running full steam ahead but this time, I am kinda stuck, in a way. It feels like standing at the crossroad once again. I have forgotten how to listen hard to God when things are going right. It has always been the other way round. I know that not all opportunities come from God so how am I to know?

Searching...

The sweetest 3 words

The sweetest 3 words: I love you

Was watching this variety show and this 65 year-old lady was performing a song. After that, they invited the husband who is in his 70s to come on stage to join her. Both looking a little awkward and not too expressive. The host asked the wife what she would like to say to her husband.

She said, " So many years we are together...it has always been me who says that "I love you" but now, can you say the same to me?" He ,then, looking a little embarrassed and half looking at her said that he loves her that that he will want to be together with her in their next life. Even that, she had to prompt him.

I find it quite interesting that sometimes a couple become so familiar to each other that expressing their love becomes such a rare thing to do, so much so that they become like 2 robots when relating with each other. I hope for a love that remains passionate and warm till the very end, to my old age. I wish for love that feels like love even when the stresses in life sets in and threaten to take it away. I desire for a love that grows deeper and sweeter and richer as time goes by instead of the other way round. I told ZY that I finds it sweet when I saw an old man holding his wife's (an old lady) hand in the train when she is sleeping and he was holding her hand tightly, like as though they are still newly-weds.

Can we make it till the end?

Friendships in church

"If you can’t hold a relationship together without a small group, it might not have been all that significant of a relationship." - Brian

"Small groups need a simple mission. Too often small-group “theory” dictates that groups should be constantly multiplying. These strategies often place too much pressure on an average leader to be a “church strategist” instead of a relationship builder. We help small group leaders relax and use their natural desire to serve in ways that help their group grow closer.

When John and Mary walk in the front door of a small group, they’re hoping that someone will be there who will greet them warmly, love them for who they are, pray for their challenges, encourage their growth in Christ, and praise their answered prayers. The last thing they want is those friends they are starting to trust—those people who they now feel ready to open up with—suddenly say, “OK, it was fun knowing you. Let’s all pray about the new small groups we are going to start!” Life on life takes time. One piece of iron doesn’t sharpen another piece of iron with one brush against it. Iron on iron has to happen many times in order for both to be sharpened."

http://root48.wordpress.com/

After all the bitter, here comes the sweet :)

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
With the last step taken, I savour the sweetness of success
And it warms my heart to know that You were with me all along
Even when I fail to see...



This song spoke to me at a prayer meeting last year when I first heard it and it was the first song that came to me last night. I felt like my heart could burst and I was just trying to contain it, so it doesn't overwhelm me. It feels like being high on sugar and yet my physical body was tired. I was worried that I couldn't sleep and it will affect my work today. I think I really worry too much haha cos I just fell into a deep sleep after. No more dreams after a long time. Thank you God :)

I am loved by the king and it makes my heart want to sing (Words alone is really not enough)

This is my dream 4 years ago when I step into this organisation. Hit many walls, felt disappointed when it didn't get approved and I had to wait for one year and then another and when I am finally at it, the struggles I faced in juggling it all, the lack of understanding at work, the overwhelming feelings all the time and all this till the end. Today. A day I have always imagined and it's here. It's tasting the fruits of my hard work, faith and perserverance and I know deep down in my heart, it's all worth it. It is something I have always wanted and I have never regretted, not once...even in all the struggles.

"...because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:4-6)

Is this my sweet spot?

I have just gotten my results for assignment 1 of research methods... I thought that I would absolutely fail cos I am seriously, COMPLETELY clueless as to what I was writing. I mean, as I write, I was simply wondering what I was doing, nothing related to what I am doing, my job. Commenting and interpreting and analysing a set of numbers, sample size blah blah blah. Actually the textbook and seeing the question itself already makes me yawn... But I actually passed and I guess my saving grace was my written expression which the marker commented that it was very satisfactory. Surprising in a way cos she is excellent in her language and extremely experienced in writing reports, with published works and all. I know that God is good to me because I heard of pple failing and I was shocked cos I thought that they will not fail us... no matter what. So far, all my grade on written expression has been good. Makes me wonder if this is the way to go, in the area of writing. Till now, it still puzzles me cos I am more of a do-er kind of person, like to put things in place, trial and error, experimenting till I get it right. Also, my language, compared to many others, is definitely below the mark YET God has blessed me in this area again and again. Makes me rethink if training is the way to go or something else. Well...I have been thinking alot. The year-end syndrome picking up on me again. This year the feeling of anticipation is even greater. I am looking forward to the future yet I cannot be exactly sure what I am looking forward to. Cos things are still tentative. Possibilities - tons of them.

Released - my word

Am watching Kurt Weill: An Homage To Wayward Women with Zhiyong this Friday...

I am so looking forward.. first time at the Arts House watching a performance

MY FIRST DAY OF FREEDOM!!!

3 more days :)

I feel so............................................. (phew) Released

Addicted ?

http://keepmeout.com/

cute :)

Honesty and Love

I thank God for the people in my life who love me enough to be honest with me :)

Looking in the wrong places

There is an old story about a policeman coming upon a drunk crawling under a stretchlight. The policeman asks the man what he is doing and he replies in a slur, "I lost my keys and I'm looking for them." The policeman decides to help the man. However, when, after quite a bit of searching, they still haven't found the keys, the policeman says, "Wait. Let's retrace your movements when you lost the keys. Where exactly were you when you dropped them?" The drunk pointed across the street to a dark corner. The policemnan, frustrated, rebuked him, "Why weren't you looking over there for them, then?" The drunk replied, "Cause there's more light over here."

God, I made it (soon) :)

An email received from my boss today:

Hi

I note that most of you are struggling with the report on your work objectives. Jasmine did a tremendous job on her report on work objectives - case management. If it is ok with Jasmine, do give this a read, as her paper responds to the questions asked in her work objectives.

Gerardine
 

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

Though not like it was a big deal, I feel very thankful to God how He has carried me this far. Without Him, it would not have been possible. Not even near.The improvements that was noted of my performance. She said that I am strong and I said, "I hope so". It was really affirming for me :) Those who see me through this 4 years will understd. She said that if not for my studies I will not know that I have so much strength in me. Self-discovery - the word she used.   
 
I want to be a testimony :)
 
Maybe it is becos I know how weak I actually am and how many times, I just feel like crumbling inside or the many tears held back. The little girl trying to be a grown-up, the feeble arms and weak knees. The pounding heart and uncertainty on where I am heading. The many fears I have and the anxiety I often faced.
 
All these let me know that it must be God, through and through...

Clueless

If God does not give me what I want, can I still be as happy?

It feels so real

Today the world seem a little brighter, a little cheerier and a little more colourful :)

I forgot to set my alarm for this morning and woke up late but somehow I was not anxious at all, just did the usual and went to work. My timeoff approved and at work, my boss actually gave me a smile and thanked me. It's being a long while since I saw that smile. It actually looked kind and kinda sweet... Maybe I haven been noticing.

The meeting went well. There was the feeling of belonging as I sat there. I felt that I knew exactly what I was saying and what I have done and even why I was there. The smiles and the friendliness I was experiencing once again. Was it cos I felt lighter? Perhaps. or prob they could feel that I was back on board again. The children started streaming in again with their stories and their laughter, their touches and their smiles. No more asking me where I am going off to again and why I am leaving so early. The whining begins again... haha.

Yup, I am feeling connected. Connected to the Me in this whole equation. No more of traveling elsewhere in the middle of work. No more of disrupted work. No more of chasing kids away cos I am rushing some reports. No more of "Sorry I am busy now". Always not enough time, always not able to give of myself fully.

I look forward to the appraisal tmr. The meetup with my favourites this Sat, the catchup cum bday celebration at night, CG on Sunday, bday celebration for ML at MY's new house and the many things. My graduation party. Things which have been parked aside for ages. Today my classmates said that I will be getting a prize at the graduation party cos I was the first one to respond that "I am Going!" to the party. haha..I love prizes and surprises.

It's happening. I can feel it, so real to me. Sigh...finally... :)

The time is now

When we were sharing about life after getting our masters, I shared that I want to slow down my life. It has been 2 years of activities after acitivities. No doubt growth is taking place in the mind but the body is depleting and my heart waning. The inner me growing thinner each day. I want to be Mary and not Martha. Only one thing is needed. I am tired of the rushed life, I want to be ministered, to enjoy the moments. To go on sporadic retreats, to catch up with long-lost friendships, to get in touch with who I am..

The time is NOW. 

11 more days.

Eat, Pray, Love

To me, the two words for the show is to learn to 'let go'.

Well.. not a new concept to most but the act of doing so is certainly a tough feat, especially for those who struggle most part of their lives trying to understand and grapple with forgiveness. I am not an exception. There are lotsa emotional baggages the female lead holds on to, which weighs her down, causing her to be unable to move on. Indeed, she does have "control issues" as rightly pointed out by the guy in the temple. Surrenderedness, the heart of devotion - not easy for the modern working woman who takes on multiple roles and is expected to think on the feet before the situation occurs. Yet the beauty of being able to let go of the so-call balance far outweighs all things else.

I love the simplicity of living to enjoy the pleasures of life, the "sweetness of doing nothing". It's excellent, though far-fetching for the typical singaporean who slog day and night and plop himself/herself right in front of the TV wearing his pyjamas till the next working day. Sad. A total contrast to the ferocious appetite for life reflected in their appetite for good food... Maybe I am feeling kinda deprived, which explains for all this feelings surfacing or maybe it's just spelling out what has been going through my heart in the midst of all the mindless acitvities. Possibilities sounds like a good word. It gives me something bigger to look forward to :)

I love my life but I want to love it more each day till the very end :)

workaholic

I get this rush when I am at work, it makes me wonder if I am a workaholic...

Not a good thing cos I think a workaholic makes a lousy girlfriend

I hope we manage to catch our movie this week :)

Week of departures and that's it :) Whoopee

This is the week of closure... Departures, good byes to my clients.

Today my client whom I have seen for 29 sessions cried during the session as she thanked me for how I have helped her thus far. It is a warm feeling to go through the challenges in life with a family through a period of time till they tide through it, while you yourself is also going through stress in life. It's a process of growing together and overcoming together, like holding each other's hand, pulling each other through the hurdles and here we are, standing here. In victory, with a sigh of contentment :) Basking in the satisfaction of overcoming the barrier of our own disbelief and weaknesses.

She said that she wants to date me after our session next week and wants to treat me to a meal :) Though I would really like to, I can't but I was touched by that thought. Last week, I received a box of dumplings from another client. I seriously can't believe it's going to be over this week. I have met some of them twice a week, discussed their cases over supervison weekly. That's like a whole load of my life for the past few months.

Goodbye :) I thought of a good gift for my agency. A cake I am going to decorate for them to thank them for their help this period of time. Fantastic.

Now is just the assignments and I am done.

Keep going !

I am afraid of the feeling of not getting used to it when my studies is over but heck, just going to let go and enjoy myself! The day I can say, "THAT'S IT!" Yes, That's it. That's it. That's it.

YES!!!

-------------------------------------------
The last day

Yin Tian De Xiang Ri Kui

Yesterday I saw this MV on tv and felt sadness in my heart. The sunflower is supposed to be bright and cheerful, facing the sun but yet in the down times, the flower slowly forgotten its purpose. It's not happy because of the many troubles but this morning, God gave me a song, Light of the world. He is like a light coming down into our darkness, open our eyes and let us see.

:) To my dearest friends, Jiayou! :)

Each step with you :)

Even though it was pouring this morning, there is a lot of sunshine inside of me as I thank God for the blessings one after another, after another. At a time I feel I simply cannot continue anymore, he send people to be advocates, he changes the situation, he just makes my day a better one. Without Him, I really dunno how to go on. The song came to mind, "I wouldn't take one step without you, I could never go on...I don't have the strength to make it on my own" and also, "Because He lives, I can face tmr..."

Yesterday was a super lousy time for me as my client had terminated his session with me and that will mean that I may not be able to clock enough hours which means that I will have to extend my placement or end later. Both equally bad. As I was feeling real helpless and discouraged, I made a short prayer to God and the next moment, I opened my mail, he had decided to put his counseling at the other centre on hold. I was literally screaming 'Hallelujah' in my heart!!! I thank God He answered to my helplessness. The meeting with the difficult parent went well and the rainbows session went very well.

This morning I was thinking I really need a break cos I am slogging daily, this weekend's presentation yet to read up and discuss. Thank God for a coursemate who wrote in to the lecturer to ask to cancel the class presentation all together and to extend the submission deadline to 18th Oct instead of this Friday. In my faithless mind, I was thinking it was a waste of effort on his part though good intention. But this morning, to my delight, when I opened the email, they have changed the deadline, criteria for assignment and no more presentation...whoo hoo... God IS good! I dun have to meet my classmates tonight to discuss anymore, I can rest earlier and prepare for my assignments.

I just got back my assignment grade and did pretty ok. Considering I submitted late, spend a few days on it as there was simply not much time to do it on top of work and million other things, I got a 'good' grade. Though I still expected more but at least it gives me a booster to continue with assignment 2. Now I am just crossing my fingers that nothing will go wrong, it's like walking on a tightrope but God reminded me today that when it is His will, He will make a way. Indeed, He will and I just have to obey, trust and follow :)

Thanks for putting courage into this weakened heart :) I love you God :)

Keep going - the end is near :)

By next Monday, I will be down to...

2 assignments
8 more sessions

Jiayou! :)

The first gift

Recall some memories...

When I received my first gift from you :)

Typical young adult

The life of a typical young adult.

How does it look like? :)

Growth

Tonight I am wondering about growth. Is it the wrinkles that start to form on our faces or the white hair growing on our heads? Well, to note these signs of aging will be merely picking out signs of physcial growth which all will face as time goes by and youth passes us by... I guess I am thinking about growth which goes beyond appearance, one which resonates from within and is not seen by the naked eye. What is the measure of real growth I wonder.. can it be determined by the individual alone based on the gut feel that, "Hey, I think I have grown". Perhaps that is quite a good indicator as it takes consciousness for one to note that growth is taking place. The unconsciousness part of it is then, the process which eventually leads to a sense of awareness. What then, is the purpose of consciousness since it does not make a difference to one's degree of growth? To me, it is the first step to intentionality and purposefulness. With a clear direction, the growth can take on greater depth and diversity. More importantly, it celebrates and reminds us of the gift from God :) 


"that as we grow in our knowledge of God, through his divine power he gives us everything we need for life and godliness." (2 Peter 1:3)

"And he shall be like a tree planted by the streams of water, that bringeth forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also doth not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.” (Psalms 1:3)

"This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples." (John 15:8)
"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight." (Philippians 1:9)


"We ought always to thank God for you, brothers, and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more and the love every one of you has for each other is increasing. (2 Thessalonians 1:3)
"Filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God." (Philippians 1:11)
 
"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge."
(2 Peter 1:5)
"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." (2 Corinthians 3:18)
 
"All over the world this gospel is bearing fruit and growing, just as it has been doing among you since the day you heard it and understood God's grace in all its truth." (Colossians 1:6)
 
"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained." (Philippians 3:14-16)
 
"Nevertheless, the righteous will hold to their ways, and those with clean hands will grow stronger."
(Job 17:9)

Only hearts can touch hearts

It was an enjoyable 2 days of class with all of us taking turns to lead groups. So far there have been a group for single woman above 30, another for work issue, one for caregiver stress and one on us - students who are completing their masters.

I enjoyed the session very much and as we were asked to draw who we see ourselves BEFORE and AFTER the masters. I drew a cactus plant. The cactus plant before was a small one who faced the sun and the rain and the after picture was a bigger one with red flowers. It was delightful to know that my classmates actually KNOWS about the cactus plant, that it only flowers for a while and all that :) After the session, a friend just came to me and told me that she felt the same way as me as well. It was a nice feeling. I share that I have grown in depth of thinking and resilience through the process, having personal breakthroughs. I believe it does help to relate with people who are in their 40s and 50s, married and unmarried at an intellectual, social and emotional level for this 2 years.

I was experiencing performance anxiety during the session but after the ice-breaker, I felt things just went smoothly and I felt I knew what I was doing. It was a good session. It was encouraging for me to know that I did well when a coursemate came to me after the session to say that she felt very connected during the session when I was leading it and said she felt that I was really engaged and that I really knew the group. I know in my heart that the things I said, I said it from my heart. I always believe that only hearts can touch hearts, not the mind or empty words.

Tmr we will be taking a class photo together. I know I will miss THEM. Some things hits harder when it is here. I know it is not now yet.

29 more days before I can throw my brain away

This morning began with tiredness and I typed to God in my hp: "Tired to the max times 1000". Yup, that was how tired I was. 3 hours of sleep and the assignment still to be completed plus the consultation in the morning, staff lunch and 2 counseling sessions. The planner in me came out at the right time. I just prayed that all will go as planned. I thank God that they did :) I thank God how He sustain me through the day even without red bull and I managed to keep my mind clear for the meeting and the counseling. Times like this reminds me how real God is and that it has to be Him.

Many thoughts filling me. Thoughts on what I want in my life. There are so many things to do and achieve I sometimes I can't decide.

October is the month of appraisal and I pray for a good grade. Though the youth worker has backed out, I believe God will keep me going though I can feel my boss throwing the cases to me already. 1 more day to the last lap. It feels so quick, I know it will end before I know it but somehow I still dun feel too ready.

14 more sessions, 2 more lessons, 2 more assignments...

I wish for the day I can throw my brain away :P

Time to sleep. It's a long week ahead.

True Colours

A little bit scared, a little bit nervous yet a little bit excited. Something in me constantly tells me that if I keep going, the end is near. Yes, at least I am progressing. For now, that's good enough. It's not about attaining perfection, it's about moving forward.

If all else goes well, I will be on my way to 15 sessions by Thurs and 2 more assignments, 1 more intensive weekend by Sunday. Next Monday will be a new beginning altogether. It gets better and better each week. Things'll move, they'll not remain status quo. They'll move forward and they'll come to an end in due time.

November seems like such a hopeful month that I get scared. I get scared that it'll not be as I thought. But everything'll be better I know.

I will look forward to being 27 years old and I will learn to slow down, build the depth and build my relationship with God :)

Leadership requires genuiness

Two things I simply dislike - one is people who use underhand means to get what they want and another is people who shares things for a hidden agenda. The commonality of this two has to be a lack of genuiness. To be transparent and to share from the heart is something which attracts me to someone. This morning I saw a display of the two things and I find my cringing within, it's simply difficult to contain my disgust. Who we really are when all else becomes unimportant. The status, the ambition, the image. Therefore, the mask. Give me a leader with convictions and a heart for others, I will follow with no questions asked. Otherwise, it will just be plain submission. Nothing more than that.

Passion continues to burn even when being snuffed out

Today, Hong Teck shared of his dream to plant a church in Botswana with his wife but had to halt the plans because his daughter, May ann came along by accident. Subsequently, the second child and then the third child. It was not what he has planned but God just gave and He just blessed, one after another...at an unexpected time when he had decided to go full-time. The next thing he shared strike a chord in my heart when he said that God will give us visions when it is according to His will, what He intended for us in our lives. It's something I believe in as well. He received a vision that he will be like Abraham, the father to many offsprings. His passion is inspiring :)

It reminded me of the morning's DMM when Tony ask how we can balance between being stretched by God and knowing it's time to take a spiritual rest. I shared that, to me, I will believe by faith that God has called me to do something with the intention of glorifying Him and I will know it is from Him when He reveals to me along the way with fruits that come with it. After the sharing, I feel like as though I was being brash in my saying that after he responded to say that success is not an indication of whether it is God's will. I guess it may be true cos we can WILL ourselves to reach success but what I meant was a kind of divine intervention when u just know. Something which only God can make it happen. Moments which I am humbled, moments which I feel assured it was Him and not Satan pulling a wool over me.

Yes, I can never be 100% certain but I know that God's ways are never easily understood at the beginning. It usually unfolds as time goes by. The sharing by Hong Teck just reaffirms to me on how God works in our lives, like a jigsaw puzzle. Piece by piece placed on the board till we get the picture. Not to jump to a conclusion when we have only seen the parts, but simply to just trust the person who created the puzzle and take it through baby steps.

4 more days to the last lap :)

每天第一件事

Nice song :)

I realised her name used to be Jasmine too, same as me :)

Labels NOT

"Is this the first time you know people like us?"
"When you say "people like us", what do you mean?"

.......

There was a sadness which came over me. I hate labels, any form of labels and sterotypes and to hear someone accepting a label brings an almost defeating feeling to me. It gives the feeling of hopelessness, as though nothing can be done about it. Who are we to decide that we are better than others or place ourselves in a certain hierachy decided by the society? Afterall, God uses the tax collector and the prostitute, didn't He? What makes one person less human than another. We all have the same needs, as a human. We all long to be heard, to be loved, to be accepted as who we are. We all stand a chance to know God and to go to heaven. Not determined by the skin colour, our appearance, how smart we are or whatsoever. It's a decision we make to allow Him Lord over our lives and His blood has been shed for ALL.

I hope we take off that label and put on a new one - Child of God :)

Good news

I thank God for 2 blessings today :)

Before they came, I was telling my colleagues that "no news is good news" cos there have been so much admin wrk to do we are all kind of like swarmed, literally. Having to come back to work on a Sunday and having to conduct weekly night group work plus the many meeting, reports, appointments. Work will never end, it just adds on or pile up.

Good news #1
My boss just hire a new youth worker and she is reporting to work on 1st October. Thank God because I was worrying that I have to share the workload of my colleague who left and now is not exactly a good time for that.

Good news #2
I just got a new case and his name is Rain. It is divine because not long ago I was just praying to God for a challenging case and I believe his unique situation will allow me to understand myself better, especially in the area of sexuality and stretching my comfort in talking abt the topic. Also, he shares the same name as the ficticious character in my story. I believe God has something planned out :)

Indeed, Your ways are higher than my ways and your thoughts greater. Always and forever more.

Though my plan to end placement is disrupted and I have to end later, I still pray that God will let me end in 2nd week of october so I have time to rest and do my assignment in between the breaks.

Every day is an adventure :)

Some things just can't be done alone

Yes, I am missing those friendship days. When my studies end, I am going to get them all back again :)

Looking forward :)

One assignment down...

What lies ahead:

3 more assignments
2 more intensive weekends
24 more sessions

JIAYOU JIAYAN!!!

I love you too :)

Thanks for the postcard :) It brought a smile to me in the midst of my work cos it's so cute... and sweet.

I thank God for how He has brought this relationship to where it is now. Every single step seems to break down whatever defenses I have in guarding my individuality and whatever resistance I have towards relationships. It's amazing how things just happen one after another without any planning and at the same time, progressing and deepening. To me, there's no manual for such things cos each relationship is so different and it's not static. Probably when it takes too long to figure out, it ain't the real thing cos one does not need to know how to love, you just love.

You do silly things like picking a plant for that person and asking out of the blue, hypothetical questions. No why but just because. That's because most of the things just reminds you of that person and it can be anything and everything. I love the silliness and the simplicity in it all. It feels like sharing life together at a deeper level, that as though the person is there to share it with you even when he is not physically there.

You just want to know the other person and be known. The questions you ask does not need to come from following any theory or being an experienced interviewer. It just reveals the intensity you desire to know the other person and what you share just means how safe and understood you feel. The more I know, the more I realise things I didn't know. Being real about yourself and allowing the other person to be honest about his feelings towards that. This is something I am constantly learning and trying to grapple with the issue of pride.  

Zhiyong, thanks for everything you did which convey your love and care for me and is prepared to do to be more involved in my life, though it may take a bit of courage :P 

I love you too :)

Trust needs to be acted out

It's been a long long time since I feel so nervous about something, it's like no amount of rehearsing makes any difference when it comes to the actual thing. Baring your heart to someone else does take a lot of courage and that kind of risk is something I am not used to. Asking me to speak in front of a group, meeting a new person, seeing clients for their issues or even doing something adventurous cannot make me feel that way.

It's almost like I am reduced to a little girl, at a loss of what to do next. It's perhaps the real me which many people have not yet seen, only reserved for people I trust enough to allow to come close to my heart.

Though fearful, nervous, awkward and embarrassed, I placed myself there on the line. A line, that if taken, signifies something significant to me. Trembling hands, heart beating fast and words coming out in pieces. I learn that trust is an verb, it needs to be acted out and tested before you know whether it is there. I am glad I did and looking forward to what follows from the first step :)

The Climb

Happy Birthday Pris :)

Happy 24th Birthday Pris :) Yes, you are still young. Take joy in that!!! hee

End with a BANG!

9/9/10

I really enjoyed tonight's session. It was a fun one and I think I know why - their love language is just quality time, simple as that. Sometimes I feel like I am part of them, fooling around. Their smiles just brings joy to my heart. The little ones. How can I ever think of doing my own stuff and compromise with meeting them? Looking at my own life, I am glad I pursue my dream relentlessly and is nearing my graduation. The first day I came for interview, that was what I knew I wanted to do and I never stopped asking till now. I was so sure and till now, as I think about it, I can't believe how sure I was. It was amazing...

16/09/10

I used to think I am a decisive person who is clear of what I want in life but the time has come when I start to wonder if what I planned is really the best. I realised that the more I know, the more I do not know. Another paradox in life which always baffles me. Maybe such is the thrill of life. Little surprises, unexpected twists and you become a new person. Is that a sign of growth? The ability to embrace uncertainty and ambiguity better than before. Perhaps so...but I can't help yearning within to take control of some things, to at least keep myself sane for the stressful moments. Work, studies, placement, groupwork, relationship, ministry...if I can survive all this, I must be superwoman. haha...no, it must be super GOD :P Two nights free immediately in November. This makes my heart leap with joy. Yes, I guess I have started to grown tired of a rushed life. Not another blink of an eye for me this year. It's going end with a bang! :D

RELIVE

I wish to re-live the experiences with 10 times intensity!!! :)

The Journey not the arrival that matters

It's been more than a week since I last dropped by... the internal world and the external world sometimes in conflict with each other. One keeps chasing you to move, the other just keeps moving on its own in different directions. This morning, on my way to work, I took out the itinery to Korea and read through it, it makes me happy as I imagine the experience. It brings a little sunshine to my heart. Today is my colleague's last day- another. On the way to lunch, they say that it's very fast, my studies is ending. Everyone has been reminding me of that. My calendar too which I happily marked, "THIS IS THE DAY!" Fast? Feels like a long, long journey. Each step filled with memories good and bad. No matter how 'experienced' I am, now that it's the last semester, it doesn't stop the feeling of stress and anxiety from coming. Some things never fade I guess. It just is. I thought to myself just now, "What if I fail my assignment?" Unknowingly, the thought just came. Scary. Yes, I am looking for a miracle once again. Today, I want to think and feel something different. I want to only remember the journey, not focus on the arrival.

1# My first lesson which I brought my laptop and typed everything down. One and only time! (haha)
2# My first time introducing myself in the class and realised that I am the second youngest
3# My first assignment which I was so excited I spent a whole day at SMU to do
4# My first time counseling another person in class and I was so super nervous, I spoke super slow
5# My first time sharing my real problem to be counseled by a classmate and I was dead nervous
6# My first time going to NUS after a long, long time to borrow books for assignment. I was speed photocopying till the last minute before the library closes
7# My first placement which I didn't get what I want but still thank God for it. Keep going!
8# My first client who didn't come back after the first session but I got to know more about loansharks after that
9# My first couple whom I counseled in the office cos there were no other rooms available. Funny

10# My first time finishing the studies. To be continued...

Breathless

Head throbbing ... it's a horrible feeling but nothing beats the thought of the many unfinished business. Nothing gets forgotten, nothing gets sidestepped...a responsibility remains a responsibility, a deadline remains a deadline. There is no need to keep track of it, the internal barometer does the job well enough. Rain or sun, the heart gets it first. The body almost feels weakened, is it the part when I have to sprint again? Why is it that the body is not rising up to the occasion? Maybe it's feeling tired or maybe the heart is. It's hard to tell which is which. Like the chicken and egg theory. Sometimes I wonder if its something only I face and everyone else is doing great, like how it should be and I am like trying to flow along, pretending that I am part of all that. I can't pretend to be ok when I am not. I don't know how to do that. Trying to get the passion back... it's going further from me now.

--------------------------------------------------

My mum and sis were talking about her boyfriend and saying that he smokes and the conversation went into one on the bad effects of smoking and blah blah blah.... on and on it went...somehow my heart just cringe at how someone can evaluate someone else's life like as though it belongs to them. It's probably human nature to think that the other has to fit into this perfect mould that we have. If not, it's either he change or the deal is called off. Who are we to set such conditions for another. Who are we to hold a measuring scale when relating to another, even if that person is our boyfriend or girlfriend. Won't it just get more tiring each day, to have to meet up with that scale which just keeps increasing as the day goes by. Never good enough. When it gets to that point, there is no longer an equality in the relationship. One is deem to be superior over the other. The relationship becomes imbalanced. Who can say he is good enough?

Only one person has the answer and that is definitely not any of us.

It happens

Life is like standing in front of the revolving door. Day in and day out, many people pass through the door. People you barely know but people whom you have become familar with. A polite smile which gradually becomes a friendly wave overtime, just before the person disappears through the door again, into the space of his/her world. So it goes on and on and it becomes part of your life. Then one day, they stop coming through the door and you wonder what happens. Before long, new faces start coming through the door. The cycle repeats itself. Polite smiles slowly becoming friendly waves as they come through the door. You learn that it will yet happen again. You stop wondering what goes on on the other side. You stop expecting. It happens.

Today a sense of loss has slowly start to creep in on me. The all too familiar feeling. I am glad that my heart has not become numb yet. It's been a long time since I feel that way, the feeling you get when you graduate from school. Two years of camaradarie, of working hard together, learning together, sharing our hearts together... the list goes on. This is a very special group for me. It's a support group for me when I feel disillusioned about work, when I feel fearful about life. It's pple who believe in the same things together, having the passion to work in this sector.People from different walks of life (different ages, different nationality, different life experiences, different make-up) and one common heartbeat. I will miss everything, every one of them.

Our graduation party on 30th October - durian party.

Not sure why but it feels like losing a part of myself. Maybe it has slowly become a large part of my life...

梁靜茹 - 情歌

Nice song ...reminds me of JC days...

Wanderlust Hotel

wanderlust (noun) \ˈwän-dər-ˌləst\ – an irresistibly strong desire or an impulse to travel far away and explore different places.



Address: 2 Dickson Road Singapore 209494
Website: http://wanderlusthotel.com/

 
This place is real cool :)

The 9th Lap - Keep going!

The 9th Lap! 2 more to go...

KEEP GOING!!! :)

The Rain and the Sun

As the rain pours mercilessly, Yoki glance out of her bedroom window and wonders to herself, "Does the rain fall in droplets or needles?" Against the faint florescent light from the distant lampost, it almost looks like there are many little needles falling to the hard, cemented ground. There is something magical about it and it always seem to have this calming effect on her. She reaches out of the window. As the rain drops continuously on her hand, she feels as though they are seeping through her skin and she has become part of it. Just like her name Yoki, which means rain. 

As she stares dreamily at the falling needles, the memory of this morning comes to her mind. She was waiting at the pavilion for the rain to stop and just like now, she was also staring into the rain, mesmerised by it. At that moment, there was a male voice behind her asking, "Excuse me, do you happen to have tissue paper?" As she turned around, there was this guy who looks like he is in his mid-twenties, totally drenched in this yellow shirt with a sun printed on it. She thought he was quite a pathetic sight but on a closer look, there is this boyish charm about him as he flashed a big smile. He does not fit into the scene, a total contrast to the picture of gray in his background. She finds herself smiling back at him unwittingly.

"Sure, here you go", she carefully put down her camera and took out the tissue pack from the outer compartment of her backpack.

"Thanks, I am Haul...you are?" He reaches out his hand to her for a handshake. There was an easy manner about him as he introduced himself.

She answered, "Yoki, my name is Yoki."

He gave her a thoughtful look and then broke into a smile again, "Yoki, what does it mean?"

She replied, "It means rain".

This time he was nodding away and there was a faraway look on his face as he repeated softly after her, "Rain...that's a ...very nice name."

A glimpse into the future :)

A glimpse into what is to come. Yes Tracy, it's happening!!!

Tracy becomes a 17 year-old when she is excited. I love you Tracy :)

This year Korea, next year Taiwan whoo hoo ~

lovely scenery ...