Give thanks :D

It's a beautiful day to thank God for !!!

Last night my brother and I were being locked up inside the room and we were desperately trying to open the door. My brother said the only way was to knock down the knob which will cause a lot of noise and it was already 12AM. So there we were trying to think of ways to open the door. I try some really really silly ways such as tying a knot to the door knob and pull hard with my body weight, poking at the hole of the knob etc and my brother just said flatly to me, "Stop doing all these stupid things" Each time I tried, he would say that my efforts are futile. At one point, we both just gave up and thought about climbing over to my sister's room but after Zhiyong asked me to pray, I kept praying for the situation to change. As my brother lied on the bed after many failed attempts, I went over to keep trying again with my silly methods. Then an SMS came from my HP and my brother asked whether its my msg and the next moment, the door opened. It was a divine moment or rather, feels like it. I was in shock and I kept saying, "I kept praying and praying." God is good, all the time :) And yes, He will always provide a way out :)

I thank God for the three day course next week and for 16th March that my boss allowed us to go to Sentosa during office hours as well as allowing all of us to go for social workers' day and also the many exciting ideas for Daisy's hen's night and the tickets we bought to KL and the good and deep talk with Shu and the tiramisu making session tonight with close friends and tmr with Trac and June and the many many many things which keep my spirits high :)

Role/ identity confusion

Meetings after meetings for the entire week but somehow, it brings back the passion in me as I explain my case in front of a group of people. People who stops and listens to what you have to say. It's a good feeling but God reminded me that my motivation should come out of love n speaking for justice rather than wanting to look good in front of my boss or feeding my own ego. Yesterday I read an article on Singaporean women not making good wives cos according to the men interviewed, we are self-centered, self-opinated and materialistic. When it comes to good wife material, it seems the good but non-traditional characteristics of the woman are being greatly downplayed. Good traits such as independence, strong will, a mind of our own etc. Aren't this equally important in the choice of a mate? I would think so. The many roles of women has always been a debatable issue. We are sometimes required to be soft on the outside and tough on the inside and yet other times, soft on the inside and tough on the outside. The work domain n the family domain in conflicts with each other. Role confusion is but an understatement in this competitive yet patriarchal society we live in. I say it becomes identity confusion eventually. Afterall, we live the role we are being given. At some points, either one will have to take over more, as the situation requires. So dun blame a woman for having mood swings or being temperamental. It's a coping mechanism in the midst of the chaos.

Handle self with mind and others with heart

There are many tough decisions to be made in my line of work and sometimes, an emotional decision will lend me in hot soup later on. I realise how this is a fact of life. While it was a calculated decision, I still can't help feeling upset over the repercussions which takes place later on. However, given the choice to turn back time, I think I would have done the same thing all over again. One was lending money to someone who only managed to return to me much later than the promised time and giving me a long sob story which honestly I am not sure how much of it is true. Another is someone whom I chose to buy uniform for, out of a goodwill and yet still have not gotten back all my money. And now a child whom I wanted her not to be disaapointed and now, I am getting the brunt of it. Well, I think to myself whether I am being unwise in my decisions but still.... it's so inhumane to ignore the cry for help. At the heart, I still follow my heart.

Remember what God spoke to me some time back,

That I need to learn to :

Handle myself with my head
Handle others with my heart

I am still leanring...

Lifting up my hands and heart to you

That which causes tears to flow must be that which touches the heart. It's both a strange phenomenon yet amazing experience. I believe there is a yearning deep within in each of us to want to be part of something significant and at the end of the search, we realised once again that it can only come from God, our creator who determines our destiny. The God of love who fills our emptiness and satisfies our every longing and meets our needs even when we do not ask for it.

I love to know the wedding verses which others have chosen. It tells me the theme of their love journey :) Meiyan's was Psalm 23:6 and Daisy's Ecc 3:11. It's a wonderful thing to know how God has been with them throughout in their journey of knowing, understanding and loving each other, guiding them through and through. When my turn comes, I only pray for one thing which is God's hand to be clearly in the relationship.

All things are uncertain but only He is not. He is and will be the same forever :) My God :)

I am ready, use me!

A balancing act

A short break in between.

I am just wondering to myself how much do we ACTUALLY have control over our lives. If knowing what is the right thing to do is the first step then the actual execution will naturally follow after that. Sounds simple. However, due to human limitations such as the temptation of the flesh, distractions and interuption of plans due to external circumstances and the many other things, more often than not, we do not have as much control as we think we do.

In a way, its a helpless situation. Yet, it's also an opportunity for God to take charge during times when things does not flow according to our plan or how it should be. To follow strictly to the plan, one swings from the extremes of rigidity to being principled. To adopt the motto of following our heart, one swings from the extremes of unpredictablity to spontaneity.

It's all about balance.

And why is it so difficult?

Just three things :)

Just three things for Tmr night: The corsages, the carebear attire and an early rest :D

The human transformation

I was watching the Kings speech on my iPhone last nite... Din get to finish though cos the downloading was slow. Dun like things hanging in the air but I guess sleep is more important. In the show the duke, second son of the king was asked to give a speech following his fathers death but he has a problem with public speaking n has been stammering since four or five. He then went to a therapist who adopts unconventional methods of helping pple w speech problems. I love the exchanges between them, the slowly breaking down of his pride through the therapist skillful ways of engaging him, threatening him n convincing him. Also the qns which he asks which I find is brilliant. Definitely gg to finish it, I believe it will fall into the list of my fav movies. I love the process of transformation in someone. It's beautiful, like a caterpillar wiggling it's way out if the cocoon to be a butterfly. The potential of human strength is limitless :)

A friend who knows my heart

Met up with June to do the carebear attire for Meiyan's wedding... It reminds me of the good old time we just sit down together n prepare for Cg. 我们还是这么的有默契。She asked me how I spend Valentines day and I shared with her what happened and how I was initially upset that there will be no flowers and no Bday gift ... But later on Zhiyong gave me flowers. At that moment I felt very bad but I didn't know how to react cos I was feeling such a lot of mixed emotions. I didn't really look at the flowers and kept a distance. I told June I dunno why I did that and she just said matter of factly to me, "because u feel ugly right?" I looked at her, paused for a moment and said, "yes u are right". This is a friend who truly understands me very well n speaks the truth to me :)The ugly truth reveals. I am but a sinner incapable of perfect love.

June is such a great gal I feel like shouting out loud to all the good unattached guys out there " look here!!! Heres a perfect gem. Wat are u waiting for? "

My First Valentine's Day - A dramatic one which ended beautifully

My first Vday in my 28 years of age :) There is no such thing as too late :) God is good :)

Journey - Don't Stop Believing

Another lovely song :)

Just the way you are

Just what every girl needs to hear from their guy :)

U know it when u feel it

Question of the day: Should your boyfriend spend money to buy you flowers on V-day?

Well, my boyfriend said he got the opinion of 2 other girls and they said its a crazy idea to get flowers on V-day. He also think that it's more worthwhile to give me a nice treat. My male colleague, on the other hand, said that it's expected and that he nevers fails to give his wife 12 stalks of her fav pink tulips on V-day. This morning, I posed the qn to my 2 female colleagues and they said, "depends on whether your bf is romantic or not." And I saw on yahoo news that one of the 5 worst valentines day gift is flowers cos the price is jacked up.

Oh well... am I the overly idealistic gf or am I just typical girl who feels happy to receive flowers? Not about V-day or birthdays or anniversaries or what but yes, I do love to receive flowers. I love to give flowers to others. I feel happy when I do that cos to me, they are so pretty. Maybe it's a girl's thing I am not sure but I won't deny this impractical side of me just because of some article or the fact that it is 5 times more expensive than the usual rate.

All this said, another value which I hold more dearly is whether an action/ gift/ words comes from the heart. Thats the most impt, means u try ur very very best to put urself in the other person's shoes no matter how different u are and think of what makes him or her happy and do that thing. Like playing peekaboo with a baby and listen to him squeal with delight even though it makes u look like a fool, Paying for an air-tic at an extremely hefty price to visit ur partner who is studying or working overseas just to give him or her a surprise visit just becos u miss him and all things along this line.

Nobody needs to teach such things because as beautiful as it can be, the value is lost immediately once it becomes an obligation or a lesson to be learnt. Like a guy who pays someone to write love poems to please his girlfriend and being found out. Yup, that kind of feeling...

Need you more

Never want to go back to my old life ...

Life is full of dilemmas...you want to fit nicely into those pretty clothes yet u wanna enjoy every bit of that sumptuous meal. Well, I can't have the whole cake and eat it, can I? :P

I gave Ling the earrings, she say that it's nice and she likes it. Also intro to them the shop I went to, they all love it :) I feel happy to be able to share my joy and my discovery.

I love the time with June cos she is someone who knows me well and give really good comments. A genuine friend. She is a friend who makes me laugh just by being herself. Someone I enjoy eating my food with. I left my phone at the resturant yest and we had to go all the way back to get it. There was absolutely zero complaints from her and I can see that she was sincerely concerned about my phone. Along the way, she even try to lighten the situation. All this despite two long days at work with numerous meetings and that she has not prepared for her meeting the next morning.

She makes a great friend, a good wife, fantastic mother and companion.

Is this part of aging or is it just me?

There have been the bad dreams, the worries and difficulties in sleeping.

I think I need some consistency in my life. A kind of a routine that I can fall back on without having to constantly think of the next thing I need to do - be it work or personal life. People say you reap what you sow or that you get what you pay for. To a large extent, I do believe in this. That's why I believe in hard work and taking initiative. However... too much can be a killer at times. Especially in times where there are series of activities you have to particpate in. There are so many things I want to do but I am scared I cannot finish and the feeling of not being able to do them leaves me feeling helpless about it.

Perhaps the nature of my work can be quite intense at times and many times, the unexpected happens. A child blows up in front of you, a father crying in front of you, a parent screaming in the phone .... all part and parcel of my job. Sometimes it's like a love-hate relationship. I feel very alive to be experiencing raw human emotions yet it also leaves me slumped into my seat after all the "battles".

At the end of the day, I am just wishing for a nice, warm shower and soft bed to sleep in.

But then, as I lay there on the bed, images of the day comes to mind and the things that are not settled seeps in. This and that, here and there. My mind becomes so alive till it's hard to fall into sleep. Now, that's a painful feeling being unable to rest when the environment is right. I detest that.

It's like next, next, next...............and it doesn't seem to end.

I love my job :)

Hi Jasmine

Glad to note that XXX is behaving well. I must thank you for your tireless effort in helping this boy and the family. Thank you Jasmine.

Gerardine

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wow, this really made my day! :)

Btw, XXX is my favourite boy :)

Little things which means a lot

I am skipping lunch today, in an attempt to look slimmer for the weddings to come :) My colleagues were like, "Come on la...do you need to?" Well... yes, I do haha. Gonna get my dress tmr and my hair permed next week, ALL for the sake of the weddings. yup, all the trouble for that. It's prob a girl's thing. I can almost imagine the anxiety going through all the brides-to-be, they must be like.....super stressed, making sure everything is perfect on their big day. At times like this, it must feel good to be a guy cos they have at most 2 outfits. Mayb I am being biased but that's how I really feel :)

Thinking about the couples around me...each have their own kind of sweetness, in different ways. Looking at their pictures, the things that they did for each other, their shared experiences, the happy and dreamy look they have when they share about each other. It's like no one is better than the other. It's just sweet in their own special ways.

Thank God that I managed to find an affordable restaurant which the food looks good and the ambience nice for the hen's night. Somehow, I knew God will provide cos he will want the best for Meiyan. Next up is the wedding corsages.

Many things to prepare and do.

For now, I pray for joy as I do every of these little things which means a lot.

Segregation

Segregation sometimes takes place so subtly that before you know it, it is happening to you. I guess life is as such...there always comes a point when you are either in one group or the other. There is no in-between or so it seems, though I am often an optimist in such matters. Believing in teletubbies land.

Till it leaves me face with the harsh reality...then, I am awoken from the dream.

Suddenly. Like a wave.

I tell myself ...

Perhaps this is just a seasonal thing

Perhaps it is part and parcel of life

Perhaps I have been naive all along

It's ok, Jiayan. Keep going.
God will make everything right in His timing.
He loves us too much not to.

In order to overcome your fear, you have to first learn to be comfortable with it.

Chinese New Year 2011

I feel kinda slack this CNY...jus watching TV, reading, sleeping and eating. I have almost finished the book on boundaries in dating and it gave me quite a number of insights into myself. Watched a show call 'Perfect lover' about a dog who became a human and falls in love with her owner. It reminded me of the importance of having a strong friendship in a romantic relationship. A love that is heartwarming even without sex but just purely enjoying each other's presence. As the actress said, "someone you will miss when u dun see him, u feel comfortable when u are w him and u feel warm just hugging him".

"see if that person is a person that you would like spending time with if there were no romance at all" (Boundaries in dating)

That's a tough one to answer because I experience both in the relationship, instead of one without the other and vice versa. But I think it's definitely a yes as I recall times when we spent time together without me having any thoughts abt romance at all and yes, I did enjoy spending time together :) However, I do wished that it had been a longer period and more opportunities of knowing each other at that level. Now, it's impossible to go back to then already.

We took a family potrait :)

I am amazed that we (my sis and cousin) are gg to KL tmr. It was a nice surprise for me as I can go and visit ZY and his family for the first time. I like to believe that it is God's plan in this as it certainly never came to my mind before of such a possibility. haha, i was still feeling emotional cos i thot i was not gg to see him for a while. God is good, He provided an opportunity in a way i did not expect :)

Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.

Looking back, seems like it has been God's plan all along. How we came to be in the same group ... leading to us having shared experiences and opportunities to build our friendship thr a natural setting, serving together. It gives me faith when I feel God's hand is in this. For me, I will just follow.

Looking forward

One month over, 11 more months to go.

It has been a frutiful month of catching up with old friends (people I have not met for the longest time like my sec sch best frens, NPCC frens!), time with my best friends recalling our memories, started my driving lessons, meeting with boyfriend (first time to my house, universal studios, Sentosa and meeting with his colleagues), sowing on friends (steamboat, badminton) and people who has been mentors in my life (Daisy, Meling, Junting). Though not much time for myself, I had felt energized and alive.

I look forward to more to come in the coming months.

Looking ahead, there is Meiyan's wedding, Daisy's wedding, Jingna's wedding, Huiwen's baby shower, Tracy's bday in the upcoming two months. Weekends taken up for hen's night, discussion, weddings. It will be a time of preparation and sharing in their joy. Also, the changes which are taking place in CG, the restructuring which is going to take place very soon. Preparing to move ahead as a team in the different directions which God calls us. This sure is eventful. To say the least.

Just booked my driving test on 4th April. I hope I can pass once and for all :) After that will be planning for family day in May. June another busy month, going to STM, church camp, KL with ZY, staff day.

For now, the first half of the year seems pretty packed and planned out already.