29 more days before I can throw my brain away

This morning began with tiredness and I typed to God in my hp: "Tired to the max times 1000". Yup, that was how tired I was. 3 hours of sleep and the assignment still to be completed plus the consultation in the morning, staff lunch and 2 counseling sessions. The planner in me came out at the right time. I just prayed that all will go as planned. I thank God that they did :) I thank God how He sustain me through the day even without red bull and I managed to keep my mind clear for the meeting and the counseling. Times like this reminds me how real God is and that it has to be Him.

Many thoughts filling me. Thoughts on what I want in my life. There are so many things to do and achieve I sometimes I can't decide.

October is the month of appraisal and I pray for a good grade. Though the youth worker has backed out, I believe God will keep me going though I can feel my boss throwing the cases to me already. 1 more day to the last lap. It feels so quick, I know it will end before I know it but somehow I still dun feel too ready.

14 more sessions, 2 more lessons, 2 more assignments...

I wish for the day I can throw my brain away :P

Time to sleep. It's a long week ahead.

True Colours

A little bit scared, a little bit nervous yet a little bit excited. Something in me constantly tells me that if I keep going, the end is near. Yes, at least I am progressing. For now, that's good enough. It's not about attaining perfection, it's about moving forward.

If all else goes well, I will be on my way to 15 sessions by Thurs and 2 more assignments, 1 more intensive weekend by Sunday. Next Monday will be a new beginning altogether. It gets better and better each week. Things'll move, they'll not remain status quo. They'll move forward and they'll come to an end in due time.

November seems like such a hopeful month that I get scared. I get scared that it'll not be as I thought. But everything'll be better I know.

I will look forward to being 27 years old and I will learn to slow down, build the depth and build my relationship with God :)

Leadership requires genuiness

Two things I simply dislike - one is people who use underhand means to get what they want and another is people who shares things for a hidden agenda. The commonality of this two has to be a lack of genuiness. To be transparent and to share from the heart is something which attracts me to someone. This morning I saw a display of the two things and I find my cringing within, it's simply difficult to contain my disgust. Who we really are when all else becomes unimportant. The status, the ambition, the image. Therefore, the mask. Give me a leader with convictions and a heart for others, I will follow with no questions asked. Otherwise, it will just be plain submission. Nothing more than that.

Passion continues to burn even when being snuffed out

Today, Hong Teck shared of his dream to plant a church in Botswana with his wife but had to halt the plans because his daughter, May ann came along by accident. Subsequently, the second child and then the third child. It was not what he has planned but God just gave and He just blessed, one after another...at an unexpected time when he had decided to go full-time. The next thing he shared strike a chord in my heart when he said that God will give us visions when it is according to His will, what He intended for us in our lives. It's something I believe in as well. He received a vision that he will be like Abraham, the father to many offsprings. His passion is inspiring :)

It reminded me of the morning's DMM when Tony ask how we can balance between being stretched by God and knowing it's time to take a spiritual rest. I shared that, to me, I will believe by faith that God has called me to do something with the intention of glorifying Him and I will know it is from Him when He reveals to me along the way with fruits that come with it. After the sharing, I feel like as though I was being brash in my saying that after he responded to say that success is not an indication of whether it is God's will. I guess it may be true cos we can WILL ourselves to reach success but what I meant was a kind of divine intervention when u just know. Something which only God can make it happen. Moments which I am humbled, moments which I feel assured it was Him and not Satan pulling a wool over me.

Yes, I can never be 100% certain but I know that God's ways are never easily understood at the beginning. It usually unfolds as time goes by. The sharing by Hong Teck just reaffirms to me on how God works in our lives, like a jigsaw puzzle. Piece by piece placed on the board till we get the picture. Not to jump to a conclusion when we have only seen the parts, but simply to just trust the person who created the puzzle and take it through baby steps.

4 more days to the last lap :)

每天第一件事

Nice song :)

I realised her name used to be Jasmine too, same as me :)

Labels NOT

"Is this the first time you know people like us?"
"When you say "people like us", what do you mean?"

.......

There was a sadness which came over me. I hate labels, any form of labels and sterotypes and to hear someone accepting a label brings an almost defeating feeling to me. It gives the feeling of hopelessness, as though nothing can be done about it. Who are we to decide that we are better than others or place ourselves in a certain hierachy decided by the society? Afterall, God uses the tax collector and the prostitute, didn't He? What makes one person less human than another. We all have the same needs, as a human. We all long to be heard, to be loved, to be accepted as who we are. We all stand a chance to know God and to go to heaven. Not determined by the skin colour, our appearance, how smart we are or whatsoever. It's a decision we make to allow Him Lord over our lives and His blood has been shed for ALL.

I hope we take off that label and put on a new one - Child of God :)

Good news

I thank God for 2 blessings today :)

Before they came, I was telling my colleagues that "no news is good news" cos there have been so much admin wrk to do we are all kind of like swarmed, literally. Having to come back to work on a Sunday and having to conduct weekly night group work plus the many meeting, reports, appointments. Work will never end, it just adds on or pile up.

Good news #1
My boss just hire a new youth worker and she is reporting to work on 1st October. Thank God because I was worrying that I have to share the workload of my colleague who left and now is not exactly a good time for that.

Good news #2
I just got a new case and his name is Rain. It is divine because not long ago I was just praying to God for a challenging case and I believe his unique situation will allow me to understand myself better, especially in the area of sexuality and stretching my comfort in talking abt the topic. Also, he shares the same name as the ficticious character in my story. I believe God has something planned out :)

Indeed, Your ways are higher than my ways and your thoughts greater. Always and forever more.

Though my plan to end placement is disrupted and I have to end later, I still pray that God will let me end in 2nd week of october so I have time to rest and do my assignment in between the breaks.

Every day is an adventure :)

Some things just can't be done alone

Yes, I am missing those friendship days. When my studies end, I am going to get them all back again :)

Looking forward :)

One assignment down...

What lies ahead:

3 more assignments
2 more intensive weekends
24 more sessions

JIAYOU JIAYAN!!!

I love you too :)

Thanks for the postcard :) It brought a smile to me in the midst of my work cos it's so cute... and sweet.

I thank God for how He has brought this relationship to where it is now. Every single step seems to break down whatever defenses I have in guarding my individuality and whatever resistance I have towards relationships. It's amazing how things just happen one after another without any planning and at the same time, progressing and deepening. To me, there's no manual for such things cos each relationship is so different and it's not static. Probably when it takes too long to figure out, it ain't the real thing cos one does not need to know how to love, you just love.

You do silly things like picking a plant for that person and asking out of the blue, hypothetical questions. No why but just because. That's because most of the things just reminds you of that person and it can be anything and everything. I love the silliness and the simplicity in it all. It feels like sharing life together at a deeper level, that as though the person is there to share it with you even when he is not physically there.

You just want to know the other person and be known. The questions you ask does not need to come from following any theory or being an experienced interviewer. It just reveals the intensity you desire to know the other person and what you share just means how safe and understood you feel. The more I know, the more I realise things I didn't know. Being real about yourself and allowing the other person to be honest about his feelings towards that. This is something I am constantly learning and trying to grapple with the issue of pride.  

Zhiyong, thanks for everything you did which convey your love and care for me and is prepared to do to be more involved in my life, though it may take a bit of courage :P 

I love you too :)

Trust needs to be acted out

It's been a long long time since I feel so nervous about something, it's like no amount of rehearsing makes any difference when it comes to the actual thing. Baring your heart to someone else does take a lot of courage and that kind of risk is something I am not used to. Asking me to speak in front of a group, meeting a new person, seeing clients for their issues or even doing something adventurous cannot make me feel that way.

It's almost like I am reduced to a little girl, at a loss of what to do next. It's perhaps the real me which many people have not yet seen, only reserved for people I trust enough to allow to come close to my heart.

Though fearful, nervous, awkward and embarrassed, I placed myself there on the line. A line, that if taken, signifies something significant to me. Trembling hands, heart beating fast and words coming out in pieces. I learn that trust is an verb, it needs to be acted out and tested before you know whether it is there. I am glad I did and looking forward to what follows from the first step :)

The Climb

Happy Birthday Pris :)

Happy 24th Birthday Pris :) Yes, you are still young. Take joy in that!!! hee

End with a BANG!

9/9/10

I really enjoyed tonight's session. It was a fun one and I think I know why - their love language is just quality time, simple as that. Sometimes I feel like I am part of them, fooling around. Their smiles just brings joy to my heart. The little ones. How can I ever think of doing my own stuff and compromise with meeting them? Looking at my own life, I am glad I pursue my dream relentlessly and is nearing my graduation. The first day I came for interview, that was what I knew I wanted to do and I never stopped asking till now. I was so sure and till now, as I think about it, I can't believe how sure I was. It was amazing...

16/09/10

I used to think I am a decisive person who is clear of what I want in life but the time has come when I start to wonder if what I planned is really the best. I realised that the more I know, the more I do not know. Another paradox in life which always baffles me. Maybe such is the thrill of life. Little surprises, unexpected twists and you become a new person. Is that a sign of growth? The ability to embrace uncertainty and ambiguity better than before. Perhaps so...but I can't help yearning within to take control of some things, to at least keep myself sane for the stressful moments. Work, studies, placement, groupwork, relationship, ministry...if I can survive all this, I must be superwoman. haha...no, it must be super GOD :P Two nights free immediately in November. This makes my heart leap with joy. Yes, I guess I have started to grown tired of a rushed life. Not another blink of an eye for me this year. It's going end with a bang! :D

RELIVE

I wish to re-live the experiences with 10 times intensity!!! :)

The Journey not the arrival that matters

It's been more than a week since I last dropped by... the internal world and the external world sometimes in conflict with each other. One keeps chasing you to move, the other just keeps moving on its own in different directions. This morning, on my way to work, I took out the itinery to Korea and read through it, it makes me happy as I imagine the experience. It brings a little sunshine to my heart. Today is my colleague's last day- another. On the way to lunch, they say that it's very fast, my studies is ending. Everyone has been reminding me of that. My calendar too which I happily marked, "THIS IS THE DAY!" Fast? Feels like a long, long journey. Each step filled with memories good and bad. No matter how 'experienced' I am, now that it's the last semester, it doesn't stop the feeling of stress and anxiety from coming. Some things never fade I guess. It just is. I thought to myself just now, "What if I fail my assignment?" Unknowingly, the thought just came. Scary. Yes, I am looking for a miracle once again. Today, I want to think and feel something different. I want to only remember the journey, not focus on the arrival.

1# My first lesson which I brought my laptop and typed everything down. One and only time! (haha)
2# My first time introducing myself in the class and realised that I am the second youngest
3# My first assignment which I was so excited I spent a whole day at SMU to do
4# My first time counseling another person in class and I was so super nervous, I spoke super slow
5# My first time sharing my real problem to be counseled by a classmate and I was dead nervous
6# My first time going to NUS after a long, long time to borrow books for assignment. I was speed photocopying till the last minute before the library closes
7# My first placement which I didn't get what I want but still thank God for it. Keep going!
8# My first client who didn't come back after the first session but I got to know more about loansharks after that
9# My first couple whom I counseled in the office cos there were no other rooms available. Funny

10# My first time finishing the studies. To be continued...

Breathless

Head throbbing ... it's a horrible feeling but nothing beats the thought of the many unfinished business. Nothing gets forgotten, nothing gets sidestepped...a responsibility remains a responsibility, a deadline remains a deadline. There is no need to keep track of it, the internal barometer does the job well enough. Rain or sun, the heart gets it first. The body almost feels weakened, is it the part when I have to sprint again? Why is it that the body is not rising up to the occasion? Maybe it's feeling tired or maybe the heart is. It's hard to tell which is which. Like the chicken and egg theory. Sometimes I wonder if its something only I face and everyone else is doing great, like how it should be and I am like trying to flow along, pretending that I am part of all that. I can't pretend to be ok when I am not. I don't know how to do that. Trying to get the passion back... it's going further from me now.

--------------------------------------------------

My mum and sis were talking about her boyfriend and saying that he smokes and the conversation went into one on the bad effects of smoking and blah blah blah.... on and on it went...somehow my heart just cringe at how someone can evaluate someone else's life like as though it belongs to them. It's probably human nature to think that the other has to fit into this perfect mould that we have. If not, it's either he change or the deal is called off. Who are we to set such conditions for another. Who are we to hold a measuring scale when relating to another, even if that person is our boyfriend or girlfriend. Won't it just get more tiring each day, to have to meet up with that scale which just keeps increasing as the day goes by. Never good enough. When it gets to that point, there is no longer an equality in the relationship. One is deem to be superior over the other. The relationship becomes imbalanced. Who can say he is good enough?

Only one person has the answer and that is definitely not any of us.

It happens

Life is like standing in front of the revolving door. Day in and day out, many people pass through the door. People you barely know but people whom you have become familar with. A polite smile which gradually becomes a friendly wave overtime, just before the person disappears through the door again, into the space of his/her world. So it goes on and on and it becomes part of your life. Then one day, they stop coming through the door and you wonder what happens. Before long, new faces start coming through the door. The cycle repeats itself. Polite smiles slowly becoming friendly waves as they come through the door. You learn that it will yet happen again. You stop wondering what goes on on the other side. You stop expecting. It happens.

Today a sense of loss has slowly start to creep in on me. The all too familiar feeling. I am glad that my heart has not become numb yet. It's been a long time since I feel that way, the feeling you get when you graduate from school. Two years of camaradarie, of working hard together, learning together, sharing our hearts together... the list goes on. This is a very special group for me. It's a support group for me when I feel disillusioned about work, when I feel fearful about life. It's pple who believe in the same things together, having the passion to work in this sector.People from different walks of life (different ages, different nationality, different life experiences, different make-up) and one common heartbeat. I will miss everything, every one of them.

Our graduation party on 30th October - durian party.

Not sure why but it feels like losing a part of myself. Maybe it has slowly become a large part of my life...

梁靜茹 - 情歌

Nice song ...reminds me of JC days...

Wanderlust Hotel

wanderlust (noun) \ˈwän-dər-ˌləst\ – an irresistibly strong desire or an impulse to travel far away and explore different places.



Address: 2 Dickson Road Singapore 209494
Website: http://wanderlusthotel.com/

 
This place is real cool :)

The 9th Lap - Keep going!

The 9th Lap! 2 more to go...

KEEP GOING!!! :)