After all the bitter, here comes the sweet :)

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
With the last step taken, I savour the sweetness of success
And it warms my heart to know that You were with me all along
Even when I fail to see...



This song spoke to me at a prayer meeting last year when I first heard it and it was the first song that came to me last night. I felt like my heart could burst and I was just trying to contain it, so it doesn't overwhelm me. It feels like being high on sugar and yet my physical body was tired. I was worried that I couldn't sleep and it will affect my work today. I think I really worry too much haha cos I just fell into a deep sleep after. No more dreams after a long time. Thank you God :)

I am loved by the king and it makes my heart want to sing (Words alone is really not enough)

This is my dream 4 years ago when I step into this organisation. Hit many walls, felt disappointed when it didn't get approved and I had to wait for one year and then another and when I am finally at it, the struggles I faced in juggling it all, the lack of understanding at work, the overwhelming feelings all the time and all this till the end. Today. A day I have always imagined and it's here. It's tasting the fruits of my hard work, faith and perserverance and I know deep down in my heart, it's all worth it. It is something I have always wanted and I have never regretted, not once...even in all the struggles.

"...because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:4-6)

Is this my sweet spot?

I have just gotten my results for assignment 1 of research methods... I thought that I would absolutely fail cos I am seriously, COMPLETELY clueless as to what I was writing. I mean, as I write, I was simply wondering what I was doing, nothing related to what I am doing, my job. Commenting and interpreting and analysing a set of numbers, sample size blah blah blah. Actually the textbook and seeing the question itself already makes me yawn... But I actually passed and I guess my saving grace was my written expression which the marker commented that it was very satisfactory. Surprising in a way cos she is excellent in her language and extremely experienced in writing reports, with published works and all. I know that God is good to me because I heard of pple failing and I was shocked cos I thought that they will not fail us... no matter what. So far, all my grade on written expression has been good. Makes me wonder if this is the way to go, in the area of writing. Till now, it still puzzles me cos I am more of a do-er kind of person, like to put things in place, trial and error, experimenting till I get it right. Also, my language, compared to many others, is definitely below the mark YET God has blessed me in this area again and again. Makes me rethink if training is the way to go or something else. Well...I have been thinking alot. The year-end syndrome picking up on me again. This year the feeling of anticipation is even greater. I am looking forward to the future yet I cannot be exactly sure what I am looking forward to. Cos things are still tentative. Possibilities - tons of them.

Released - my word

Am watching Kurt Weill: An Homage To Wayward Women with Zhiyong this Friday...

I am so looking forward.. first time at the Arts House watching a performance

MY FIRST DAY OF FREEDOM!!!

3 more days :)

I feel so............................................. (phew) Released

Addicted ?

http://keepmeout.com/

cute :)

Honesty and Love

I thank God for the people in my life who love me enough to be honest with me :)

Looking in the wrong places

There is an old story about a policeman coming upon a drunk crawling under a stretchlight. The policeman asks the man what he is doing and he replies in a slur, "I lost my keys and I'm looking for them." The policeman decides to help the man. However, when, after quite a bit of searching, they still haven't found the keys, the policeman says, "Wait. Let's retrace your movements when you lost the keys. Where exactly were you when you dropped them?" The drunk pointed across the street to a dark corner. The policemnan, frustrated, rebuked him, "Why weren't you looking over there for them, then?" The drunk replied, "Cause there's more light over here."

God, I made it (soon) :)

An email received from my boss today:

Hi

I note that most of you are struggling with the report on your work objectives. Jasmine did a tremendous job on her report on work objectives - case management. If it is ok with Jasmine, do give this a read, as her paper responds to the questions asked in her work objectives.

Gerardine
 

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Though not like it was a big deal, I feel very thankful to God how He has carried me this far. Without Him, it would not have been possible. Not even near.The improvements that was noted of my performance. She said that I am strong and I said, "I hope so". It was really affirming for me :) Those who see me through this 4 years will understd. She said that if not for my studies I will not know that I have so much strength in me. Self-discovery - the word she used.   
 
I want to be a testimony :)
 
Maybe it is becos I know how weak I actually am and how many times, I just feel like crumbling inside or the many tears held back. The little girl trying to be a grown-up, the feeble arms and weak knees. The pounding heart and uncertainty on where I am heading. The many fears I have and the anxiety I often faced.
 
All these let me know that it must be God, through and through...

Clueless

If God does not give me what I want, can I still be as happy?

It feels so real

Today the world seem a little brighter, a little cheerier and a little more colourful :)

I forgot to set my alarm for this morning and woke up late but somehow I was not anxious at all, just did the usual and went to work. My timeoff approved and at work, my boss actually gave me a smile and thanked me. It's being a long while since I saw that smile. It actually looked kind and kinda sweet... Maybe I haven been noticing.

The meeting went well. There was the feeling of belonging as I sat there. I felt that I knew exactly what I was saying and what I have done and even why I was there. The smiles and the friendliness I was experiencing once again. Was it cos I felt lighter? Perhaps. or prob they could feel that I was back on board again. The children started streaming in again with their stories and their laughter, their touches and their smiles. No more asking me where I am going off to again and why I am leaving so early. The whining begins again... haha.

Yup, I am feeling connected. Connected to the Me in this whole equation. No more of traveling elsewhere in the middle of work. No more of disrupted work. No more of chasing kids away cos I am rushing some reports. No more of "Sorry I am busy now". Always not enough time, always not able to give of myself fully.

I look forward to the appraisal tmr. The meetup with my favourites this Sat, the catchup cum bday celebration at night, CG on Sunday, bday celebration for ML at MY's new house and the many things. My graduation party. Things which have been parked aside for ages. Today my classmates said that I will be getting a prize at the graduation party cos I was the first one to respond that "I am Going!" to the party. haha..I love prizes and surprises.

It's happening. I can feel it, so real to me. Sigh...finally... :)

The time is now

When we were sharing about life after getting our masters, I shared that I want to slow down my life. It has been 2 years of activities after acitivities. No doubt growth is taking place in the mind but the body is depleting and my heart waning. The inner me growing thinner each day. I want to be Mary and not Martha. Only one thing is needed. I am tired of the rushed life, I want to be ministered, to enjoy the moments. To go on sporadic retreats, to catch up with long-lost friendships, to get in touch with who I am..

The time is NOW. 

11 more days.

Eat, Pray, Love

To me, the two words for the show is to learn to 'let go'.

Well.. not a new concept to most but the act of doing so is certainly a tough feat, especially for those who struggle most part of their lives trying to understand and grapple with forgiveness. I am not an exception. There are lotsa emotional baggages the female lead holds on to, which weighs her down, causing her to be unable to move on. Indeed, she does have "control issues" as rightly pointed out by the guy in the temple. Surrenderedness, the heart of devotion - not easy for the modern working woman who takes on multiple roles and is expected to think on the feet before the situation occurs. Yet the beauty of being able to let go of the so-call balance far outweighs all things else.

I love the simplicity of living to enjoy the pleasures of life, the "sweetness of doing nothing". It's excellent, though far-fetching for the typical singaporean who slog day and night and plop himself/herself right in front of the TV wearing his pyjamas till the next working day. Sad. A total contrast to the ferocious appetite for life reflected in their appetite for good food... Maybe I am feeling kinda deprived, which explains for all this feelings surfacing or maybe it's just spelling out what has been going through my heart in the midst of all the mindless acitvities. Possibilities sounds like a good word. It gives me something bigger to look forward to :)

I love my life but I want to love it more each day till the very end :)

workaholic

I get this rush when I am at work, it makes me wonder if I am a workaholic...

Not a good thing cos I think a workaholic makes a lousy girlfriend

I hope we manage to catch our movie this week :)

Week of departures and that's it :) Whoopee

This is the week of closure... Departures, good byes to my clients.

Today my client whom I have seen for 29 sessions cried during the session as she thanked me for how I have helped her thus far. It is a warm feeling to go through the challenges in life with a family through a period of time till they tide through it, while you yourself is also going through stress in life. It's a process of growing together and overcoming together, like holding each other's hand, pulling each other through the hurdles and here we are, standing here. In victory, with a sigh of contentment :) Basking in the satisfaction of overcoming the barrier of our own disbelief and weaknesses.

She said that she wants to date me after our session next week and wants to treat me to a meal :) Though I would really like to, I can't but I was touched by that thought. Last week, I received a box of dumplings from another client. I seriously can't believe it's going to be over this week. I have met some of them twice a week, discussed their cases over supervison weekly. That's like a whole load of my life for the past few months.

Goodbye :) I thought of a good gift for my agency. A cake I am going to decorate for them to thank them for their help this period of time. Fantastic.

Now is just the assignments and I am done.

Keep going !

I am afraid of the feeling of not getting used to it when my studies is over but heck, just going to let go and enjoy myself! The day I can say, "THAT'S IT!" Yes, That's it. That's it. That's it.

YES!!!

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The last day

Yin Tian De Xiang Ri Kui

Yesterday I saw this MV on tv and felt sadness in my heart. The sunflower is supposed to be bright and cheerful, facing the sun but yet in the down times, the flower slowly forgotten its purpose. It's not happy because of the many troubles but this morning, God gave me a song, Light of the world. He is like a light coming down into our darkness, open our eyes and let us see.

:) To my dearest friends, Jiayou! :)

Each step with you :)

Even though it was pouring this morning, there is a lot of sunshine inside of me as I thank God for the blessings one after another, after another. At a time I feel I simply cannot continue anymore, he send people to be advocates, he changes the situation, he just makes my day a better one. Without Him, I really dunno how to go on. The song came to mind, "I wouldn't take one step without you, I could never go on...I don't have the strength to make it on my own" and also, "Because He lives, I can face tmr..."

Yesterday was a super lousy time for me as my client had terminated his session with me and that will mean that I may not be able to clock enough hours which means that I will have to extend my placement or end later. Both equally bad. As I was feeling real helpless and discouraged, I made a short prayer to God and the next moment, I opened my mail, he had decided to put his counseling at the other centre on hold. I was literally screaming 'Hallelujah' in my heart!!! I thank God He answered to my helplessness. The meeting with the difficult parent went well and the rainbows session went very well.

This morning I was thinking I really need a break cos I am slogging daily, this weekend's presentation yet to read up and discuss. Thank God for a coursemate who wrote in to the lecturer to ask to cancel the class presentation all together and to extend the submission deadline to 18th Oct instead of this Friday. In my faithless mind, I was thinking it was a waste of effort on his part though good intention. But this morning, to my delight, when I opened the email, they have changed the deadline, criteria for assignment and no more presentation...whoo hoo... God IS good! I dun have to meet my classmates tonight to discuss anymore, I can rest earlier and prepare for my assignments.

I just got back my assignment grade and did pretty ok. Considering I submitted late, spend a few days on it as there was simply not much time to do it on top of work and million other things, I got a 'good' grade. Though I still expected more but at least it gives me a booster to continue with assignment 2. Now I am just crossing my fingers that nothing will go wrong, it's like walking on a tightrope but God reminded me today that when it is His will, He will make a way. Indeed, He will and I just have to obey, trust and follow :)

Thanks for putting courage into this weakened heart :) I love you God :)

Keep going - the end is near :)

By next Monday, I will be down to...

2 assignments
8 more sessions

Jiayou! :)

The first gift

Recall some memories...

When I received my first gift from you :)

Typical young adult

The life of a typical young adult.

How does it look like? :)

Growth

Tonight I am wondering about growth. Is it the wrinkles that start to form on our faces or the white hair growing on our heads? Well, to note these signs of aging will be merely picking out signs of physcial growth which all will face as time goes by and youth passes us by... I guess I am thinking about growth which goes beyond appearance, one which resonates from within and is not seen by the naked eye. What is the measure of real growth I wonder.. can it be determined by the individual alone based on the gut feel that, "Hey, I think I have grown". Perhaps that is quite a good indicator as it takes consciousness for one to note that growth is taking place. The unconsciousness part of it is then, the process which eventually leads to a sense of awareness. What then, is the purpose of consciousness since it does not make a difference to one's degree of growth? To me, it is the first step to intentionality and purposefulness. With a clear direction, the growth can take on greater depth and diversity. More importantly, it celebrates and reminds us of the gift from God :) 


"that as we grow in our knowledge of God, through his divine power he gives us everything we need for life and godliness." (2 Peter 1:3)

"And he shall be like a tree planted by the streams of water, that bringeth forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also doth not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.” (Psalms 1:3)

"This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples." (John 15:8)
"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight." (Philippians 1:9)


"We ought always to thank God for you, brothers, and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more and the love every one of you has for each other is increasing. (2 Thessalonians 1:3)
"Filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God." (Philippians 1:11)
 
"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge."
(2 Peter 1:5)
"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." (2 Corinthians 3:18)
 
"All over the world this gospel is bearing fruit and growing, just as it has been doing among you since the day you heard it and understood God's grace in all its truth." (Colossians 1:6)
 
"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained." (Philippians 3:14-16)
 
"Nevertheless, the righteous will hold to their ways, and those with clean hands will grow stronger."
(Job 17:9)

Only hearts can touch hearts

It was an enjoyable 2 days of class with all of us taking turns to lead groups. So far there have been a group for single woman above 30, another for work issue, one for caregiver stress and one on us - students who are completing their masters.

I enjoyed the session very much and as we were asked to draw who we see ourselves BEFORE and AFTER the masters. I drew a cactus plant. The cactus plant before was a small one who faced the sun and the rain and the after picture was a bigger one with red flowers. It was delightful to know that my classmates actually KNOWS about the cactus plant, that it only flowers for a while and all that :) After the session, a friend just came to me and told me that she felt the same way as me as well. It was a nice feeling. I share that I have grown in depth of thinking and resilience through the process, having personal breakthroughs. I believe it does help to relate with people who are in their 40s and 50s, married and unmarried at an intellectual, social and emotional level for this 2 years.

I was experiencing performance anxiety during the session but after the ice-breaker, I felt things just went smoothly and I felt I knew what I was doing. It was a good session. It was encouraging for me to know that I did well when a coursemate came to me after the session to say that she felt very connected during the session when I was leading it and said she felt that I was really engaged and that I really knew the group. I know in my heart that the things I said, I said it from my heart. I always believe that only hearts can touch hearts, not the mind or empty words.

Tmr we will be taking a class photo together. I know I will miss THEM. Some things hits harder when it is here. I know it is not now yet.