The girl - me

I received news of another colleague who has tendered last Friday. It has certainly become a norm for me, yes, another one leaving. My colleague told me during lunch that in Boys' Town, the workers are all there for at least 5 years. Maybe I should pack my stuff and head there or somewhere where leaving is not the norm. Maybe I have an issue which people leaving or maybe there are just too many or maybe just too many at one go. Just 3 months. It's just a bit too soon for me to be able to accept it gracefully. Well, it's like ... emotional? Prob it's the timing I tell myself, now is not a good timing. It's important to learn how to let go cos it will happen inevitably, just a matter of time, as we all agreed on during lunch. Sad, but true. As I was going home last week, suddenly I was imagining how it will be like when I leave the organisation. Halfway through it, tears was welling up in my eyes, it was hard to continue. I seriously dunno how I am going to go through with it when the day finally comes. Maybe it will come when most of the kids I am closed to are discharged and my close colleagues not around anymore. God is gracious I believe. After the conference, I was thinking of my memories in church. 10 years, that has been a long journey. Many of my first times in Hope. Sweet memories and bitter ones, sad ones and happy ones, unforgettable ones. When I learnt how to crawl, to walk and to run. A place where I grow from a awkward schoolgirl to a lady. Transforming, I like that word. It was used by the worship leader on the first day of the conference. God wants to transform us. So many times I felt so small.

I remember myself crying at the floor of TPY mrt becos I din wanna go to church alone. How childish but that was me, Joyce and JT must have been shocked haha. I remember telling Meiyan that I din wanna lead the worship 10 minutes before CG started as I felt far away from God. I remember crying in front of June at the bball court in PGP becos my sheep was not responsive. I remember crying tog with June at the back of the auditorium during praise over an issue we both know. I remember writing a script word by word when I hosted for an event for the first time. I remembered the first time I asked someone if she wanted to receive Christ and got a shock when she said yes becos I had never led the sinner's prayer before. I had to ask her to wait, go out and asked Meiyan how to do it. I remember how scared I felt when I led discussion for the first time in CG. I remember that I stayed in the hostel room and blasted loud music when a person I was sowing on blocked me on msn, how qiaoping and weizhu came to encourage me. I remember the first time I raised my hand to want to be a CL. I remember my first retreat with Trac and Jason in Austin Hills, how we planned till late into the nite. There are just so many ... never ending, never forgotten. Sometimes I wish it starts all over again.

Me with my short hair, big T-shirt and fav bermudas. Just me. A girl who will do something as silly as cutting her fringe short because of a show. A girl who cried at the hairdresser in PGP because she thinks her hair looks ugly and the person did not charge her a cent. A girl who cooks egges and bread for breakfast, lunch and dinner. A girl who waits in the kitchen pretending to be doing something cause she is just so lonely in the small room. A girl who sleeps at the bench in front of the lecture hall for a few hours because she is so tired. A girl who got the verse Eph 4:29 from others more times than she can remember. A girl who liked to ask, "Why?" in a challenging tone. A girl who often argued with guys.

I kinda miss that girl. Maybe it's just one of those days...